No schedule -- usually I go to sleep at 5--6 am, and wake up 1pm; and do nothing all day long and pretend to work.

No wonder you are depressed.

You could try being a volunteer on a kibutz in Israel. I think you can stay there as long as you want. It's free, they'll feed you and you'll work - hard. You'll meet lots of Jewish people who volunteer every year, and you'll have a real schedule. You won't need your parents. You'll be independent but with a simple life, surrounded by nature. Now and then you can travel and see things in Israel.

>> You could try being a volunteer on a kibutz in Israel. I think
>> you can stay there as long as you want. It's free, they'll feed
>> you and you'll work - hard.

The problem is that my grandmother here needs my help very much.

How old is she, what kind of help do you provide for her?

She does need my help very much. I prefer not to go into any details about the issues related to my family.

I would be happy to be a part time English -- Russian translator or to do any other work, especially for Jewish community. I hope to get into the phone partner program soon.

R. I feel for you. I've had times in my life when I was unemployed or otherwise had nothing to do and had no set schedule. And I know the feeling of useless and emptiness.

Is there anything you can do to volunteer in your community maybe even in a soup kitchen or a hospital? Something that will get you out among people, give you some routine in your life, and make you feel useful and wanted.

Hatzlacha we are all here to support you.

P.S. 37 is my favorite number

I do not know. I just want to ESCAPE SOMEWHERE from my situation.

In the past I have committed many sins against my parents -- I told bad things about them to everyone. Now I just want somehow to start an independent life as an adult.

You defamed your own parents? OK. But doesn't that shame you as well, that your own father or mother is messed up or bad? Wow, you must have had some strong motivation to do that. You must tend toward being manipulative as many of us here are.

You are not alone.

But have you spoken openly with your parents - or with anybody else - about the exact bad things you did to your parents and to other people? If not, how did you do teshuvah for those things? Have you begun doing Teshuvah for them?

If not, then living in the guilt of the past and pretending it did not happen and that you bear no real responsibility today, is childish. How do you 'begin to build a new life as an adult'?

You can be open here, without giving identifying details. If u think you cannot, then please find someone with whom u can truly open up.

>> You defamed your own parents? OK. But doesn't that shame you as
>> well, that your own father or mother is messed up or bad?

I do not know. Yes, I have wronged others. Even though chronic tale baring is a very severe sin it is not illegal. Eminem has said very derogatory things about his mother in public. Many authors gave horrible recollections about their parents and other relatives in their autobiography.

The secular culture taught me to care about the ways others have wronged me, and not to think about how I have wronged others.

>> If not, then living in the guilt of the past and pretending it did
>> not happen and that you bear no real responsibility today, is
>> childish. How do you 'begin to build a new life as an adult'?

I have sinned in many ways and I do not even know where to start repentance. I am still partially observant.

Even if I have many sins, I have always been religious. I have acted as a "normal" Conservative Jew. But now I am unemployed and have no chance of getting a job and accomplishing anything.

Maybe I should do Teshuva and become more observant?

I don't get something, here, tovarish.

You write about the issue of what u have done in the past as though it is a religious matter, and ask about becoming observant and dealing with it all then. Do you have a sense of right and wrong? The Torah and Halocha and Chassidus all talk about a thing called "Derech Eretz". In yiddish, it means 'respect'.

That is not strictly a religious issue.

So I ask you, why wait to become observant to start and deal with the mistakes of your past? What about your conscience?

You have blamed a lot so far on 'society'. That is convenient, yes, but will be necessary to become a mentch. Who needs an observant and pious Jew who is not a mentch? There are many. Do you respect them? I doubt you do. Just look at the non-Chabad Jews who you said "do not accept semi-religious Jews like me." U have no use for them, do you? Is that just because of expedience - for they just would not further your religious goals - or rather because u do not respect them for you consider them non mentchen?

I think you are using religion as a shield, here, sir. And I suggest that you are using the 'sin' issue of your masturbation as a shield to avoid looking at the bigger issues in your life, whatever they may be.

I respect you, that is why I took the time to write all this out. I hope you respect yourself a lot, too.

>> You write about the issue of what u have done in the past as though
>> it is a religious matter, and ask about becoming observant and
>> dealing with it all then. Do you have a sense of right and wrong?

I have done many wrong things against G-d. I have not kept many of the laws between person and G-d and between person and person.

>> You have blamed a lot so far on 'society'.

I do not think I have done anything unacceptable even by the secular society's standards.

>> Just look at the non-Chabad Jews who you said "do not accept
>> semi-religious Jews like me." U have no use for them, do you?

I would be happy to be part of their community, but they would not.

>> I respect you, that is why I took the time to write all this out.

I understand that I am wrong, but it is hard to change all my values and lifestyle.

I just want to live somewhere away from my parents. I understand it is sinful to share all the issues but I DO WANT TO LIVE ON MY OWN.

Where can I go? Can any Yeshiva accept me -- I already have $40k Student Loan debt? Can I live on disability (Aspergers)?

Your parents are the first people to speak with about all this, obviously.
How did that go?