I am fine Newlife.
I was setting up a make believe scenario, which in the not too distant past was all too common. I was night in any real danger last night. I've found however that when I am in danger, it helps me a lot to give chizuk to others. When looking at the situation from the outside in, it becomes extremely clear how ridiculous acting out is. So sometimes, it helps to advise others, and then read what I wrote to them. By the time I am done with them, it seems so stupid to act out, so many times, I just wouldn't. That was my intention last night. Sorry to be deceiving, but if you knew it was a trick it would not have worked as well.

In the future, go on the site and maybe look around for someone to give advice to, instead of waiting for your own help. That has worked for me in the past.
Hatzlocha!!
Reb Yid

I have been "pretty" good for a over a year -lately found myself surfing a gain getting into the old"rut"
like in the gemara ben durdiya I can only do iy myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  > gotta be michazek

That's truly amazing that you've been good or pretty good for a year!! Keep it up. I don't know if you've fallen or not but either way, go do something fun and forget about today or the surfing whenever it was and keep strong. Cry out to hashem!  And if you are in pain from holding back, I promise you Hashem feels your pain and is crying for you. Give him Nachas by staying strong.
                  Newlife

Do you have a filter? i assume yes bec if not then you couldnt have been good for a year so why now do you have?

get rid of the access!

gevurah wrote on 01 Nov 2011 08:22:

You can only do it if you get out of G-ds way and let him do it. Hatzlacha!

Not surfing the web is not recovery.  Whiteknuckling it is not recovery.  Dealing with life, accepting our troubles and emotions, working the steps, that is recovery.  iMHO

got a filter but no flter is perfect
can minimze surfing but nee it for work
and yes its up to Hasem  we have to do our initial hishtadlus
thanks for the support  this site is hatzolos nefoshos!!!!!!

Hi Everyone -
This is my first time posting. Because of this site, I have been completely clean for a little while now (almost 4 months). Suddenly, the last few days I have been getting very familiar urges and am trying to fight it off but its not so easy. I find myself taking an extra look here and there all of the sudden. I really want to stop this before it starts to spin out of control again but I am not sure how. Any chizuk/aytza would be really helpful.
Thanks,
Avraham

Dear "Avraham613",

You are are an advertisement for GYE already, whether you realize it or not, I think. It is impossible to give eitzos on the forum, really. You are still quite a stranger to anybody here, so far. And each person is holding somewhere else! General eitzos are always good, but still, everybody is different...so:

Can you, where you are right now, share a bit more (or a lot more) about yourself here (or elsewhere) and get anything you are hiding about your insides, 'out'? There is no question that the 'details' we hold onto as the most precious secrets, are the greatest poison we possess. And if since using this site has been helping you so far, that's great! Just consider that if you are now having a hard time, this means something. It means that staying in the same tools is not good enough any more for you now. It is the way it always goes. People find something that works for them, but when it stops working, they flop, and are shocked and disappointed.

But how does it make sense that recovery does not grow? When I use porn it always progresses, either in intensity or style - the old schmutz eventually stops doing the trick, and I need a bit 'more' to get the job done.

Recovery is the same, lehavdil. You have grown, sir. That means you have changed. If you are a little different, certainly what you now need is different, as well.

Too often well-meaning people get a bit liberated from the same old porn and shtuyot. They find some relief...and what an awesome mechayeh it is!

But to be so foolish as to think that we are done now? The goyim of AA were gifted with enough humility by Hashem to have discovered long ago, that today's sobriety guarantees NOTHING for me tomorrow. Nothing. There is no real momentum, in the long run. If we do not continue growing up, then we will eventually fall. 100% guaranteed. We can rest on our 'laurels' - for a time. But eventually, we will be made fools of by our compulsion again. Dotage is always a possibility waiting around the corner for us - just as big fools as we were made before we started to grow.

It is actually quite shocking to us. There is no difference between my totally slave-like devotion and trance-like compulsion to search through wickedly shocking porn for hours and hours (or much worse) if I'd do it today vs. what I used to do fifteen years ago. Same pathetic fool. Same sweet, good man. Same powerlessness once I take the first drink.

Posting here is a big step! But what do you aspire to accomplish? The world is actually open up for you, in recovery....it is closed for us when we do what we used to do. Posting here means you are peeling away yet another layer of isolation, of doing it your own way, of going it alone. It was our trip till now -all of us, especially since we are frum. The terrible isolation and shame that a masturbating ben-Torah feels is indescribable to others. This move of yours now, to reach out here, is huge!

Please do not wait around for lust to catch you. You must either continue to grow, or lose. Not grow in yir'as Shomayim - you tried to grow in that before and yet you still ended up in all this trouble. Then you started to open up and and face the truth about yourself and your behavior...and you have 4 months of clean time!

Yet by the same token, running away from lust is not the real answer - a good tool usually, yes. But not the answer. Pretending it is the answer is destructive, cuz it distracts me from the real answer, c"v.

Having desires and feeling compulsions to look at schmutz (or to do whatever it is that you are you are referring to) is to be expected. Humility says to me "what do I expect from a guy like me? It's so great that Hashem has helped me till now....what can I do to get with Him and stay on the right path today?"

Freaking out about it is a big mistake. It is the kind of thinking that got us so screwed up in the first place. ("Oy! How could I ever have such a disgusting desire now?! A guy like me? Clean for four months! I should be far, far beyond such things already! After all :, I only spent ten years staring at porn - with the devotion of 'kriyas Sh'ma'; focused on my fantasies and masturbation - with the focus of shemoneh esrei; and hid things and worked hard for a decade or more already to produce sweet little opportunities to engage in my sexual gratification in the bathroom - with the yichud hama'aseh of the kohen gadol lifnai v'lifnim." It's a nutty expectation, after our record, no? Nutty and stupid.

Nu. Such silly expectations are gayvoh, plain and simple. Poshut not sane. In fact, the 12 steps of the program do not even mention lust (or whatever drug brings us here) after the 1st step! Zip. Cuz the steps and recovery are not at all about controlling lust! They are about learning sanity, period. If we are working on sanity, Hashem takes care of us and we remain free from needing to act out our lust for this day.

Now you tell me: is it sane to expect that I will have no desires and no slips? Me? May Hashem save me from my own gayvoh today, so that I will succeed at honesty rather than more hiding, recovery rather than 'conquest', and giving rather than taking! Amen. 

You are so fortunate so far! It's really beautiful. You are beautiful. Keep doing what works, and please don't get fooled into using the well-intentioned things that got you into the bottomless of your problem in the first place.

Continued Hatzlocha Chabibi!!

Hey Avraham613,
    Sometimes it helps to know that someone else is in the same situation. But if this gives you Chizuk for me its only 2 weeks and its starting to get shaky.  Think about how far you've gone. How much you've accomplished. How many people would love to be able to say 4 months clean.
    You know, tonight I was walking and saw a pretty woman and tried to not look but I couldn't control myself until I said to myself "I have no power" my power comes from Hashem and that's when I was able to turn away. Keep on trucking and just know that every member of GYE is supporting and rooting for you. But most importantly, the Eibishter and yourself. You are your biggest fan just pat yourself on the back every moment you don't give in. Hatzlochoh and Keep up the Great work.

        Newlife

Hey you  guys are great- unfortunately we tend to "get use to" an altered state and let the yeitzer hora slip in from the side
(hey this isn't really porn/ I'm only human/ I'm tired just want just wanna wake up..............etc )
every day is a new b'cheira- we are never "off the hook"(untill.....at 120)
tefilla tefilla tefilla ask Hashem to help- get involved in a mitzva- think of a dvar tora--
i will say some thillim and get back to work
HATLACHA Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOS SOS SOS

I have no contoll over myself for a week now!!

The only thing holding me back from זנות.... is "sex with self" (it may be assur, but at least here the halacha calls for it)

*no I don't think masturbation is the right thing to do, just bemikreh that keri is the better of 2 wrongs.

Hi, What have you been doing to stay sober til now?

I've been 'taking little sips' of issur... and my wife was mutar for 9 months strait, so I had an outlet that allowed me to feed my lust.

Now I'm a dady, and I have to deal with my isues.

The sad thing is that this is preventing you from focusing on the Bracha you've been given.  I look forward to hearing good news from you!