It's getting close to Yom Tov so I don't have time to write much.  I will try to continue at a different time. 

Here's my story.  I watch porn downloaded from the internet and masturbate to it, and I'm sick of it already. 
I want to stop.  But I can't. 

I'm married over 15 years and have 4 children. 

My marriage is basically okay.  That means we get along, don't really fight, and really have no issues. 
Except for one, and I'd argue, it's the most important one.  There is virtually no intimacy in our marriage.

Our sex life was great until the second kid was born.  Then with two kids to deal with, wife was tired all the time
and went to sleep late.  But it was still okay.  Then the third kid was born.  After wife went to mikva, sex life was
bad.  She was always tired, and always swamped.  If we had sex once a month, I was lucky.  That was a rough year. 

Then she stopped nursing, got her period, and kid number 3 got a little older.  Sex life picked up and was decent. 
But nothing compared to the first couple of years we were married.

Then kid number 4 came a few years later.  Sex continued to be good during pregnancy until it physically became impossible. 
Kid 4 is now a year old and wife still nurses.  Sex happens MAYBE once a month, and when it does, it's horrible.  I feel like I'm
having sex with a log.  She does it purely for me, and has zero interest.  She has said she's not interested.  I never "do what I
need to" because the whole thing is just such a turn off.  She doesn't sleep much and is way overwhelmed.  She said she prefers to
sleep to have sex.  I really believe that if we went for a year without sex once, she'd be okay with that.

So here we are now.  We have four kids we cannot handle (physically or financially).  I wanted  to stop at 3.  She insisted that "any normal
frum family has atleast 4 kids" so like an idiot, I gave in. 

So basically, I resort to videos and self-pleasure because I get virtually nothing from my wife.  And when we are together, frankly, it just
isn't worth it.  I get more satisfaction from my videos.  I know.  It's really sad. 

So what do I do?  We've spoken.  She agrees it's not good.  But she's always up late doing laundry, cooking, nursing,
whatever.  She doesn't waste time.  She doesn't watch TV, doesn't sit at the computer or talk on the phone.  She's just
busy doing stuff that needs to get done. 

She said she lost interest years ago when I didn't help enough with taking care of the kids at night.  My arguement
was that she was home during the day and could sleep when the kids sleep.  I can't sleep at work.  And I need to
be awake to function at work.  I guess she never really bought that. 

So she lost interest in sex years ago, but was still plenty willing as long as she wanted to get pregnant.  Now that we've
hit our quota of 4 kids ans she finally realizes she really can't handle another, all of a sudden she's not interested any more. 

So what does that mean?  I was taken advantage of all these years?  She never really wanted me?  She just wanted to
get pregnant? 

Just for record, I have a history with porn movies and masturbation going back to when I was teenager.  I gave it up
for the most part during marriage.  I occasionally lapsed when we hit a dry patch and I just needed some relief.  But these
past several years have been pretty bad.  Maybe some guys are okay with sex only 10 times a year, but I'm not. 

So I don't know what do.  We've spoken, she said she'd try to be more attentive, but that hasn't gotten too far. 
I've briefly considered divorce, but that's really not what I want.  I've actually considered finding "some friends on the side"
but I really don't want that either.  And besides, I wouldn't even know where to look if I really wanted to do that.  I'm just
not that type of person.

So I need help.  I really just want my wife.  But that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.  And honestly, I'm losing hope
that it will ever happen.

Sorry for ranting.  I needed to get this off my chest.  Chag Sameach to all.

wow I feel like I just read a mirror.

I think one of the (many) things you might hear is that this is a "disease" of the ego, and if you notice, the main theme of your post was about you, and how your pleasures are not being satisfied, and your needs.

Have you tried for, say a week, to totally tap into your wife's needs, put in 110% to ease her tremendous burdens with 4 kids, all the work she has to do and kids to keep up with.  what would happen if you spent the countless hours per week you spend watching p** and mzl, and channeling all that energy and koach into your wife, and helping her.

Let me tell you what happened to me: I tried taking care of my wife's deepest worries and challenges for a week, and the results were tremendous.  I cleaned the table, took the kids out, cleaned up more, massaged her before she fell asleep, and my goodness, she was a different woman!!

Anyhow I'm still in the struggle, all this to say, I totally relate to your struggles, and your honesty is courage for us all.

i cant in any way judge what you are going through. all i can add is that i also went through a similiar situation with my wife some years back after my second child and i was what you would consider pretty holy. and now i have no such problem what so ever (as far as intimitcy) and i am very far from what you would consider a saint, so it realy does have lot to do with a mind set

Sound like you are in a tough spot. I am single & probably should not comment. But have you tried having date nights?, were two of you could spend some time alone without kids & other stresses. Maybe this will re-kindle the flame.  I do unfortunately have experience with sleep deprivation & it sucks. For a lot of people sleep deprivation lowers sex drive. Maybe if you or you get help for her so she would be less fatigue this could help also.