It's the day after yom kippur and if it wasnt for the day prior Id have fallen already.  I'm bored and lonely, a dangerous duo and its been four days since I last fell, so I'm starting to feel edgey.  Just before yom kippur I talked to my rabbi and set up covenant eyes.  its like webchaver, but a different company.  THis has been enough to stop me so far, but I'm really craving.  I'm not sure what else to do.  I admited that I couldnt do this alone, but thats not making it easier..  How do I let Hashem in to help me?

GUITAR!
Get Up; Into Truck And Roll
go out into the street and count how many esrogim are being sold
how many holy yidden will be zoche to do the mitzva of arba minim
you don't want to fall
you're bored
GUITAR!
hatzlacha. keep on striving

Hey guy!
Stay strong! You're four days clean, you can do another day.
Boredom is a danger, especially when you're vulnerable.
Promise yourself a treat for staying clean another day, a nice cappuchino, maybe, or a muffin.
A gute kvittel!

Ugh.  It's so challenging.  THeres smutz all over and even without the comp I can get a quick fix.  I found my roomates magazine with triggering pics in it.  Its hard because due to my problem Im spiritually bogged down, like dirty and without that siyata dshamaya who could withstand anything.  I just need to trust in Hashem more.  But how can one trust in Him if they feel disconnected from Him. Doubtful almost.  I know He's there I just dont feel it right now. I feel more attached to my lust than my relationship with my avinu shbshmayim.  HA! how could this happen?! yerida ltzurach what aliyah?!

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 09 Oct 2011 23:55:


strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 10 Oct 2011 13:27:


In my view recovery is an all or none proposition.  This is clear if you think about step 1.  Once I admit that I am powerless over lust and my life is unmanageable as is, it follows logically that I cannot face that which I am powerless over.  If there is a tank bearing down on me and I'm unarmed, my only defense is to avoid it.

This means not looking at women.  Period.  Not their faces, not their clothes, not ugly ones, not old ones.  Not on the street because I'm curious who she is, not in the newpaper or in People magazine.  There's a reason this website is called Guard Your Eyes.  This is the critical step we must all take.  At all times.  And every time you avert your gaze, every time you don't pick up that newspaper or JC Penney flyer, you are bringing yourself close to Hashem.  After a while of consistent shmiras eynayim, you will start to feel it.

How do I let Hashem in to help me?
Personally, I speak to Him whenever I feel the Y"H of lust is about to attack.  As early in the attack as possible.  Early interception.  One little stray thought and I start davening.  Here's what I say, based on the Torah 12 steps:
"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust

One day at a time.  One challenge at a time.  Just get through the challenge in front of you.  That's all you ever have to do.

I fell again!  I cant believe this.  I'm so mad.  I just want to be clean but my hands dont listen.  then I stop myself before its too late. then I start again.  I make these great decisions to stop looking or doing and then I go right back and before I know it Ive gone too far. and I have the nerve to act surprised.  I was doing so well and then todays trip into NYC plus the friends magazine made me want more.  so I looked at more.  but I could only get so far with the filter. and I stopped... over and over.  I just want it to be done with.  I think I need to do the 12 steps. but is it possible to do them without a group, as I dont have one to go to?  I just want my relationship with Hashem back and I cant have it with this problem. with this addiction...I know i need to pick myself up and keep on trying, but I'm getting sick and tired of failing.  I was talking to my old friend from prior to becoming frum and I felt so hypocritical.  and he was asking if Im happy and I know that I would be if I could get over this.  I'd know I was legimate, sincere adn happy.  but Im stuck.

Friend,
you are sick and tired of falling.
What is the alternative? To accept that you cannot control your own life and give up?
Well, the answer is YES! and no.
Yes, it doesn't seem that you can control your own behavior. If you are ready to accept this, then you need to give the fight....over, not up, to Hashem. Instead of starting and stopping and starting and falling, give the good G-d a shout out, ask Him to take away your lust (see earlier for the full text). Start reading the emails DAILY, and read the handbooks. Try fences, like promise to yourself that you will give $5 to tzdoko after the next fall, or run around the block 200 times (borrowed expression).
Stop waiting for this to go away. Do something proactive.

isn't it amazing that i wrote this
TehillimZugger wrote on 10 Oct 2011 04:10:

so soon after i wrote this
TehillimZugger wrote on 10 Oct 2011 03:38:

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 11 Oct 2011 02:48:


That's all I'm doing.  You can find info about the steps on the Guardyoureyes.org home page.  Mouse over "materials" and click on 12 steps.  There are also phone groups.

You're right.  You do need to try something new, take a new tactic.  Take advantage of some proven recovery tools.  Fighting doesn't work.

Hatzlacha!
Alex

I have come to realize that "bored and lonely" are my two biggest triggers, especially "lonely."

Bored, I think, can come from loneliness, and may stem from  "lonely feelings" that make us not want to do what needs to be done, or not be interested in activities that might otherwise spark and maintain our intertest.

I think lonliness is a HUGE factor in the world today and in our own communities. I do not think it is a new problem.

Pirkei Avos tells us to open our homes to people.  I would like to add that we need to acknowledge when we need to find some open homes for ourselves, and go to them.
If they do not exist, we need to "open our homes" by finding ways to interact with others, relieving their lonliness and our own.

Sadly, opening our homes can be a lot of work, but we and others need it.

Get up, get out, get social.  You will be too busy, BE"H, to go on the internet.

I'm doing worse than ever.  I found a dvd (not mine) and watched some.  I fell, not because it was inevitable but because I tricked myself into thinking it was.  I keep delaying working the steps.  I dont know why.  I'm really ready.  I dont think I'm ready to maintain the spiritual level that comes with being clean though.  It's hard to stay focused, and my lazy days that come with the sloth I feel like after acting out are easy.  but i want to do it.  I keep giving my sisters advice about things and I'm not listening to it.  WHy?  Because I havent done what I need to do.  the emails dont help, if I dont have internet access (I'm being monitered by covenant eyes right now) I still fall, I just cant kick it on my own.  and I dont know how to let Hashem in.  Granted I do, just follow the halachos regarding shmiras anayim but I cant get myself to do it.  AGHHH.  I want to slay the YH with a double edged sword. 

you don't want to slay the yetzer hara. you want to have lazy days without guuilt.
nothing is easy.
stick around gye and eventually you'll find enough encouragement to slay the YH in a real way- by slaying your "self"

sorry if i was a bit harsh  :-\

you werent harsh and you were right.  the lazy days are a cause and an effect.  when I'm bored and alone I have the strongest urges (hence my recent fall) and whenI fall I get depressed.  I also am more likely to fall, hence 2 days of chol hamoed down the drain spiritually.  I wish I had never started falling.  It's so true that this organ becomes hungrier the more you feed it. 

i'll tell you what i feel are strong tools by me. Not that I have that much experience, but i'm just sharing my thoughts and if it helps you then it was worth it.

A day that i have entirely planned out in advance, from the moment i wake up until i go to sleep, is much easier. Now it isn't easy to work out my schedule to such detail each and every single day, but I feel it helps. Also when planning, I need to make sure that no part of my day allows me to be in a situation where I have an easy opportunity of falling (i.e. internet access. you need to know in what situations you tend to be more vulnerable). If i don't have a full schedule, I just end up finding myself searching for it. and it's not that hard to get it.
Now, the catch is that that when you are relying on yourself to do this every single evening let's say (for the next day) then you wont be doing it for long. At least that's how it worked (or rather didn't work ) by me. recently I have someone who I have to be accountable to all the time. About planning my day too. And it's working wonders! Thank you Hashem for helping me stay clean now for 43 days, and counting...

Take it or leave it.
One thing is for sure: NEVER EVER GIVE UP! one day you'll get out

Hatzlocha!
willgetout

I'm so glad youre doing so well!
I need to work on my blocks of time with nothing going on.  Those kill me.

also, I wrote a diary piece for the first step. I know its soon after my fall, but I wanted to get something out of me.

I watched a dvd and fell today.  I fell yesterday too.  I fall a lot.  I don’t necessarily believe how bad it is, but I know I waste full days after.  I feel so bogged down by spiritual tumah.  I cant stop.  I don’t always want to stop.  It’s much easier to just let it happen and have a lazy day after.  The problem is it kills me.  I am not who I want to be.  I am not who I am.  I am a liar, a thief and a mental rapist.  I have lost the sensitivity to spirituality that I once had.  I have lost the ability to see females as souls.  I have lost the ability to go more than a week clean.  I cant stop it.  I really cant.  I want to.  I’ll stand there, with it in my hand debating.  I often fail.  Sometimes I succeed but it only lasts so long.  The craving is so strong.  I come up with reasons why I can but they are never as good as the reasons to get clean.  I want that glow that I get when I am clean.  I don’t want to feel so dirty, so dishonest, so evil.  I want to feel pure.  I have to.  I cant make a difference in the world, in my soul if I keep falling.  I’m sure this is a tikun I need to work on.  I’m not ready, but I want to be ready.  I cannot do this without HAshem and His Torah.  I know that. 
I often see Hashem in the world.  I cant appreciate it when I am stuck like this.  I often watch my shabbos get ruined by my weekday activities.  Days ruined.  I cant fix that without doing this.  I need to open myself up.  To break myself down.  I cant do it alone. Please G-d help me.  Help me to believe, help to heal, help me to overcome.  I cant do it alone.  I dont believe that, but I know it's true.