Hey guys,

I feel like I'm in not such a good place right now. I feel like I'm losing steam.
What I'm going to do now is write what comes into my mind and hopefully come out with the answer on my own.
So here goes:

I'm holding around day 60 being clean. During the last 48 hours, I've been having a major struggle which has been intensifying during the last 10 days or so.
Where did I do wrong?
Well, starting from Rosh Hashana, my eyes have been exposed to a lot of tempting stuff. We had female guests during the 3 day Yom Tov. Thank G-D they weren't too attractive. But my approach with female guests is to not create awkwardness. I try to strike a balance where, on the one hand I am not trying to not think of pink elephants, but on the other, I don't get too friendly. I'm still working on finessing that balance and I could have done better.
The situation worsened last night when I decided to edit the unclean parts of a video for later watching. Dumb move. The obvious outcome was, that as I was deleting those scenes, I still got snatches of them and it got my Yetzer going. These weren't very bad scenes and that's why my Yetzer had the strength to get me to do that.
Then, today, I watched a couple "clean, disney" movies. I got the inner strength to walk out on the rest of the family finally. But I had already scene beautiful women and my YH was ravenous.
I came across an unfiltered iPad later. My mind said that I should go have fun, it will be so amazing.
Thank G-D, I didn't do anything. In the last couple hours, my mind's been telling me to go have fun with all the available tools at my disposal.
Sheesh, it's so tough.
Ok, I know where I went wrong. Shouldn't have spoken to those girls so much (5 points from Gryffindor), shouldnt've edited that movie (15 points) and shouldn't have watched today's movies since I didn't know what they were really (another 15). Blah Blah Blah. It's so annoying. Why do I have to put up this big fight all the time?
So Dov would probably immediately ask me: "how much do you value your recovery?" I would say "a lot". He would say "so nu, what are you crying about?".
I guess he's right.

So... Bottom line:

My urge to sin is not me. It's my body. I don't want to be controlled by my body. I also noticed that the urges are especially strong when I'm feeling anxiety or upset about something. My brain screams "quick fix!" I learned something so powerful from OMottel the other day. He said he came to the realization that P&M doesn't make him happy; It just makes him feel good. And then it's gone and he's as empty as before... So, I don't want any quickfixes. I want to face life head on.
I don't want to be an addict. When I look at an alcoholic or drug addict, I see someone who puts his addiction before EVERYTHING else in life. He loses family and friends. Money and work. He puts his value in some dumb powder or drink and he's dead. So dead. Dead to the beauty that can be found in all of life. He is not happy. And that's what the addict inside me wants. It wants the pain of life replaced with death. It wants to ignore real pleasure and ignore life. It is a lazy bum and a loser. It wants to cause me more pain on top of what it already has caused me.
How could I want to do the thing that has caused me such insanity as to land me on this website where I need to spend so much time fighting for my life? Look at the monster I've become! I don't want to "solve" the problem by making it worse!
I want to be in control of my mind. I want to have happiness that comes from knowing and servicing my creator. I don't want to use the G-D given building blocks against the purpose for which it was created.

I want to be sober for my wife. Wherever she is, whoever she is, she might be sitting somewhere thinking about me right now. Fantasizing about the Tzaddik she's going to marry. I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to ruin your life along with mine. I have no right to ruin myself. I want to be strong. I want to be good.

So, I am an addict. I am hopeless. All I have are my fences. Once those fences are crossed, I am in mortal danger. Do I really want to break my clean streak and restart again? Do I really want to restart the whole process and prove to myself that, yet again, my dreams were futile? Do I want to put my care in Hashem's hands? Well, he won't let me unless I keep  my part of the deal. I have to do my best. Put those fences back up. Get some Torah into the life (the YH finds his homes most easily where there is no chochma. chochma=torah).
Be productive. Start reading the handbooks again.
Keep posting on this thread.

Ok, I'm so tired.
I'll keep posting on here. Please, any comments are welcome!

what an honest reality based post.I am going through a very similar situation and can not seem to get a handle on my urges.HELP

It's only been a few minutes since I posted but I can already tell that posting all that stuff helped. Maybe you want to share like I did?

It is allways heard for me to share honestly one because my wife checks the forum often and two I spent most of my life manipulating others about what they think of me and never being myself so when I am vunurable I automatically try to protect ,myself.The last few weeks I have felt tension and I was subtly medicating my feelings by not watching my eyes untill over the weekend thoughts about other woman have entered my mind.

Just keep writing here if that helps.  We will keep
reading it.  The yetzer hara never makes any sense.  Just writing down the rationalizations that run through your mind will help you realize how silly they really are.

Keep it up, brother!

thank you KH and mechazek for sharing, it is great to hear you facing your struggles and trying to deal with them and not throwing in the towel

KH that was a beautiful post about the struggle we all endure, especially in the early stages of recovery.  When I felt the battle fatigue and just wished I didn't have to fight this so hard any more, one thought more than any other kept me going:

I'm going to fight a raging battle in my mind no matter what.  Even in the years (decades actually) before I found GYE, I tried to quit my sickness, drive the thoughts out, not look at every woman in my field of vision until it hurt.  It is HUGELY FRUSTRATING to be a lust addict.  To always want what I can't have.  To always wish I could clean up my act, but never have any lasting success.

So it's this battle or that one.  One feels good, one feels very bad.  One frees, the other imprisons.  One gets easier eventually (it really does), the other just gets more intense until it kills all of life's pleasures.

Choose life!

One more thing.  Shmiras eynayim is much easier, and this whole recovery thing is much easier, if it's all the way.  Take a break from movies and TV altogether.  There's always womens faces and clothed bodies, which will lead you to want to see more.

Get some fresh diesel in your truck and back on the highway!
Alex

mechazek wrote on 03 Oct 2011 13:07:


Set up a new name so you can be honest....

KH i'm with you the YH works extra hard during eseres yemi teshuva don't be fooled by him keep on working on it you can do it.

well i just decided to share with my wife that I have been lusting after our neighbor again,and that allways helps to get it out there,and ofcourse she was suspicious anyways about it.
Thanks kh for this thread.

mechazek, your courage is inspiring. I'm so happy you told your wife. You have to work on being open and being yourself. Not doing so can lead to low self esteem, among other things.
Thanks everyone for all your replies. I really want to respond and thank everyone individually b/c all the posts mean so much to me. I read what everyone said 2 times or more. Unfortunately, I don't have the time and energy to respond to each reply. Also, in this thread I'm being more of a taker and less of a giver. Thank you everyone!
----------


So...

I'm going to repeat yesterday's performance style and just... write;

I didn't watch any movies today. I tried not to put myself in extremely dangerous situations.
But just a little while ago, I came across a very interesting bit of news about a young woman who was attacked se*ually and murdered. It was a really interesting article b/c it spoke about how some of the originally accused murderers had appealed and won and they were released. Well, I started reading the article and as it described the timeline along with the details, certain keywords kept causing my mind to visualize the s**ual attack. I didn't allow myself to dwell on anything and sincerely wanted to read the article in peace. But the thoughts persisted and eventually, after having a bit of a physical reaction to a more explicit word, I finally just left the article.

In a way, this is a repeat of what happened yesterday and the day before, on a much smaller scale. It was not actually visual so I'm not left with lingering images to haunt me. But I could have completely stopped myself had I not even started reading the article. But I feel cheated. Am I really supposed to not read articles that have any hint to s**uality? Alex made a good point: if I take things all the way to the extreme, the struggle will be much easier. When I started out 60 days ago, I knew that to be true. It was so obvious to me. I felt so weak that it was easy for me to decline an invitation to an amusement park. I am still avoiding populated places. That's not so hard. I know that if I see certain things, I will be turned on, that's no question. It seams though that I have a very hard time with the grayer areas; "clean" movies, interesting articles, socializing with frum girls.
The YH tells me that it's ok, or important or necessary. So, I really need to strengthen my fences. But how? I love watching those youtube clips, I love those interesting articles.
But I know the answer; I love myself much more. I love and respect myself and my needs. The urge to read these articles and see these movies is not coming from the holy place within me. It's coming from the less alive part of me. From that place inside which wants to be oblivious to reality. Well, that's ok sometimes but not when it might damage my core. I can't sacrifice myself on the altar of my needs.
So, what's it gonna be, the article which I'll forget about by tomorrow, or my sanity, my life, my integrity, my happiness?
Really, it's not so hard. I have to do it a few times and I'll get used to it. Just don't go to those questionable articles. If you went, leave immediately.
I am in constant danger of falling because I am an addict. I can't afford to get any closer to the cliff's edge.

forget what WAS

look at what can STILL BE

TRUCK ALONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a powerful exchange! Thanks so much for sharing all that, it's just what I needed right now.
One day at a time, my brother, one day of normalcy, and then another.....
I feel that only by totally cutting myself off any possible triggers I can live. I had to run out of the post office today, because there was no place to rest my eyes. I found it a little easier to look above people's heads in a supermarket, but it is an everyday battle.
I say alexeliezer's prayer (or a version of it, anyways) about three-four times every time I'm out of the confines of my home and work, and it makes it bearable to move about town.

obormottel wrote on 04 Oct 2011 07:40:


that's amazing that you just left the post office... For me it would be a big struggle...

articles about sexual related stuff are on my no-no list too, if i read them it is feeding my lust, no doubts about that

this is good for me to remember:alexeliezer wrote on 04 Oct 2011 15:28:

and thank you KH for sharing again so openly, i see some of my own though-processes in yours and it helps to air them out
keep on rocking