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Maybee I'm trying to hard
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TOPIC: Maybee I'm trying to hard 1995 Views

Maybee I'm trying to hard 09 Dec 2008 02:05 #1206

  • shmuel
It feels like if one really wants to avoid tumah, pritzus and etc, they must put an enormous amount of effort into it nowadays. However, the effort itself seems to cause one to think about the very thing that they are trying to avoid. Am I wrong? Maybe just putting forth a little less effort will enable some people to have more success (perhaps just by getting busy doing something else).
Additionally the very thought of I have to watch myself can cause one to think about what it is like to not watch themselves. It’s like the way one thinks of food on a fast day. Some people think about food more on a fast day than other days, even if the other days they might end up fasting accidentally. The very thought of it being a fast day can cause one to think of food. Am I making sense? So what is a good solution? Anyone have any ideas?

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Re: Maybee I'm trying to hard 09 Dec 2008 02:49 #1210

  • elya k
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Shmuel, again you raise some very good questions. There is an axiom which says, "What we resist, persists."  The more effort you spend pushing away every obstacle and constantly thinking about how to avoid it, the more you will think about it and eventually act out.

that's why the trick is to accept the fact that there is Pritzus in the world and you have no power over controlling it. Hashem took away the Yetzer Horoh for Idol Worship but not for this.  If he did, none of us would be born!!!!!

It's a good idea to read recovery books instead of thinking so much about how to avoid it.  books by Rabbi Twersky like "Self Improvement? _ I'm Jewish is a good one.  Also any books by Patrick Carnes.

You are right.  Finding other things to occupy your time when you're bored, tired, hungry or upset is another key to staying clean.  Pamper yourself with things which are permitted.

HOpe this helps.  Keep up the good questions and your particular situations.
Elya K was the first  GYE hotline moderator for couples struggling with Shmiras Eiynaim issues in their marriage.  Elya is the author of 6 books, among them Navigating the Phases of Sex Addiction Recovery, Help Her Heal with Carol Sheets,  Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on their Heroes’ Journey to Healthy Intimacy with Michele Saffier. 


FREE EBOOK ON THE GYE SITE AT: Mask In the Mirror (guardyoureyes.com)

Elya K. has been coaching people worldwide for over 10 years for Shmiras Eiyanim issues. 
For a free 15 minute consultation call 901-248-6001.
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Re: Maybee I'm trying to hard 11 Dec 2008 15:16 #1282

  • battleworn
The basic answer is, that it depends what works for you.
But there are some clear guidelines, that are always true.

1)R' Avigdor Miller zt'l said that shmiras einayim is pointless, if you are not also guarding your thoughts.

2)The mindset has to be that it's all a bunch of nothing and stupidity. Not guarding your eyes allows the menuval to get in and make something out of nothing. But if you think "It's paradise out there but I'm not looking" then you're doomed to failure.

3)Your life's focus must be on the positive. You absolutely can't go around the whole day concentrating on what you're not going to do. Someone who does that is simply not living and of course it can't work. The first thing is to make sure you know what you are trying to do with your life and then you can concentrate on accomplishing that goal and start living. When you think of guarding your eyes as a means of getting where you want to in life, you won't have that problem. It's tested and proven.

I Love you and I wish you tons of hatzlocho!
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Re: Maybee I'm trying to hard 11 Dec 2008 17:53 #1295

  • kookooreekoo
work the twelve steps, is a simple program...
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