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losing my way
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: losing my way 7338 Views

losing my way 08 Dec 2008 18:16 #1194

  • andsm1
i am a new writer here

i tend to ramble and get off-topic because of the all-encompacing nature of the suffering i deal with on a daily basis and how it has begun turning me from the one of a kind to just another failure

my life or childhood to be more specific was one of statistics

according to statistics because of how i grew up on the one hand i should be a murderer on death row by now or dead already

or i should be the next great rabbi

i went to some of the best yeshivot in my childhood and dealt with a very difficult home life soo the fact that i never had these problems till my late teens/early adult time is deemed by many nothing short of a miracle though i view it as a convinience thing really

you see till i was much oldr i was extremely shy and my natural developmnt prevented me from having these kinds of problems on any level except the most basic like shomer negiah that never went too far (or soo i thought at the time now i know ven that was too far) (im sorry the "e" on my keyboard is stuck hense the typos)

but now i am married with 3 kids and i only now struggle with both taharat mishpacha ...........mostly lack of knowlege because of a lack of a rabbi i trust

and with mas---------tion on a level never seen in my life

i know this is weird to many that soo well a person falls at the time when most have it easier but there was a kohen gadol once who went 80 years being the only man who could see G-ds presence in the kodesh kodoshim on yom kippur to being conservative-like i know its not soo alike but it just shows you ..........never let your guard down

im trying to beat this with everything i've got just like my many other problems because if i dont succeed there are countless others who look to me to see themselves who will give up too

p.s. i hope ii dont come off as full of myself or something i just know that evry prson has their utimate potential in dirct connection with how they got where they are and also my self beliefe in this one area is the only shred of self-confidence i truly have
Last Edit: 08 Dec 2008 21:01 by .

Re: losing destiny 08 Dec 2008 19:05 #1196

  • Chasdei Avos
Welcome andsm1:

I am sorry that you struggle so much. I can definitely relate to struggles, as can each of us in a different way.

We are here for you. Guard is a tzaddik as many others on this websight too. Rambling is the beauty of this sight. You get to vent and often venting is the first step in a healthy start, as often we have no one to vent to or vent with.

Let me offer one thing: Please please feel free to ask any specific or general questions regarding taharas Hamishpacha and we will get you an accurate response. Obviously, though, the best thing is to have someone u can discuss these issues with. Do you really not trust any rabbi? Can you tell me why not?

I am zoche to have a few rabbanim, all of whom love me and direct me in the derech Hashem. There are many such rabbanim out there. I hope you can find one.

Also, feel free to email me directly at chasdeihashemm@gmail.com

Chasdei Avos
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Re: losing destiny 08 Dec 2008 19:13 #1197

  • andsm1
its not that i dont trust rabbis i just dont have a keshr with any rabbi who i can see as a mentor yet

this is mentiond in pirkei avos "aquire yourself a rabbi" but i have none to aquire at the moment

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Re: losing destiny 08 Dec 2008 20:42 #1200

  • andsm1
what scares me alot is the punishmnts and consiquenses of failing ven not to look at the forbiden in the street

this is often the root of my recnt failures as my mind rationalizes " whats the difference what you do now you have enough curses on you from previous mess ups to make your head fall off in broad day ligh G-d forbid "

anyone know how to deal with that kind of thought or how to actively and ffectively deal with past damage in a way that doesnt seem totally impossible at times
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Re: losing my way 09 Dec 2008 02:04 #1205

  • WeWillNotBeForsaken
If I understand you correctly, then it seems that I too once went through a similar thought process: "who cares what bad stuff I do now - I already did enough bad things anyways." But now I understand that this is just one of the many tactics of the Y'H. Because, as we all know, it is NEVER too late to repent. So true I have done bad stuff, but that doesn't mean I should give up hope. In fact, I remember hearing that the sins of one who repents are turned into good deeds. Hatzlacha!!!
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Re: losing my way 09 Dec 2008 17:45 #1226

  • Chasdei Avos
I once wrote the following vort on this forum and it may help.

Small vort: Mitzvah observant jews are a tiny tiny portion of jews in general. Further, mitzva observant jews who are pro actively fighting this war are a very small portion of mitzva observant jews. Although Hashem loves every single Yid more than any love we could ever imagine, the more we strive to do Hashem's will, the more we open the channels to receive and appreciate His endless love. EACH OF US are not only loved endlessly by Hashem, but we are unclogging the pipeline through which we connect to Hashem's love. Every second that you fight this war is a second that Hashem's love flows through a sparkling clean pipe with no junk clogging its path, directly into our system. Perhaps thats why I have heard that at the very moment that one is nisgaber (wins) over his evil inclination, it is a very opportune time to ask Hashem for anything you need from Him. (UNtil here is what I previously posted}

Many people may not realize that Hashem truly loves us with a crazy unspeakable love, no matter what kind of terrible things we do. But then you will ask: But why do i feel so distanced from Him when I do these terrible things. The answer is NOT that Hashem's love deminishes chas vishalom. But rather, as mentioned above, we clog up the channels through which His love connects to us.

So think about it. The amount and degree of bad things we did in the past is irrelavent. BUt with each and every good thing we do and every time we battle the yetzer harra, we are opening up those channels so we can better receive and feel and connect to Hahsem's endless love.

Hatzlacha
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Re: losing my way 09 Dec 2008 21:13 #1228

  • Mevakesh Hashem
andsm1,

WELCOME!!

You are in good hands  onthis site. Many of Hashem's finest soldiers are here to guide you, help you, talk to you and listen to you.

We have all struggled and many of us have overcome. YOU TOO CAN!!! Don't ever give up on yourself.

Remain strong and before you know it you will be telling us how awesome it feels to finally be clean and free!

Chazak V'Ematz!
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Re: losing my way 11 Dec 2008 07:29 #1271

  • andsm1
hello

thank you all for your support in all this that i am trying to reaccomplish and letting me feel like i havent gone as far as i thought in the end

please put the following out to as many people as humanly possible

at this moment my family is being persecuted mercilessly by the local governmnt body which seems determined to break up my family into pieces because of reasons amounting to sinat chinum

the more thurough details of what is going on are available to anyone who wants by request through my email: andsm1@yahoo.com

This is a request here for tehillim and prayer that me and my family be protected from this persecution in a month when we were all saved from persecution

this is a solid s.o.s. please send this to everyone you can to daven: for shmuel yitzchak ben eliyahu moshe and family ; שמואל יצחק בן אליהו משה ומשפחתו 

i normally wouldnt come to here for something like this but asking locally is impossible and since you are all such wonderful people i thought maybe a combined prayer effort would help

i am in turn willing to pray for all of you to accomplish whatever it is you all want to accompish

i know i am crossing my own anynomity right now but that is how serious my situation is ...........

thank you all
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Re: losing my way 11 Dec 2008 14:41 #1279

  • the.guard
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This is easy for me to say - but hard to do. A Jew must hold on tight to Hashem. There is really no government and there are no "people" and there are no "problems". There is ONLY Hashem. And he is causing these misfortunes, to call out to you. To remind you that HE is behind everything. As soon as we hold on to him tight, and believe with a full faith that only HE is behind everything, he will remove the problems. Talk to him. Cry to him.

Also you should know, that the divine channels of blessing are closely tied with the sexual channels according to Kabbala. The Seffirah of Yesod, the sexual channel - is the Sefirah that channels all blessing to this world. If you accept upon yourself to guard the bris with all you've got, and to learn the laws of Tahas Hamishpacha, then in the name of the Koach of our entire guardureyes network, I bless you with a reversal of all your problems and a new light of blessing and happiness in your life.

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: losing my way 11 Dec 2008 15:35 #1285

  • battleworn
andsm1, a blessing from guardureyes, should not be taken lightly. I assure you that he has a whole lot of "pull" in heaven.
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Re: losing my way 11 Dec 2008 17:09 #1291

  • andsm1
thanks to everyone who has come out and given me alot of chizuk and good feeling at a really difficult period in my life

now i am on week 1 of just learning not to look at porn

i dont try cold turkey on everything else yet because perfectionism has been my downfall

now whenever i feel the need i listen to eli mansour on learntorah.com and all its sister sites as he is a phenominal speaker

if any of you heard his recent shiur on vayishlach it was just "mwah!"
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Re: losing my way 11 Dec 2008 17:18 #1292

  • the.guard
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I blessed him with the koach of our network. That koach is not from me, it comes from people like battleworn, be holy, ano-nymous,  and all the holy yidden doing teshuvah and struggling for kedusha over here. And THAT is a powerful Beracha indeed. So take the condition seriously, because if you do, I am sure Hashem will fulfill the blessing!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: losing my way 11 Dec 2008 17:47 #1294

  • kookooreekoo
andsm1;

As it appears to me that you may be a Sexaholic like myself, which nothing absolutely nothing in this world could make me stop. Actually I stopped a million times but always went back and never to the same as before, I always needed something more, something better, and something hotter. Until my life became so unmanageable that I became suicidal. Rabbi Twersky introduced me to the twelve steps, that didn’t work either because I tried to do it my own way. The only way that Hashem keeps me from going back out there, is by "working the twelve steps" in my daily life. When I have faith in a system that works and know and believe that it is Hashem that made this happen, and I am nothing more then monkey see monkey do, the Hashem takes care of the rest.

Yours truly,
kookooreekoo
Last Edit: 11 Dec 2008 22:57 by .

Re: losing my way 11 Dec 2008 21:59 #1307

  • andsm1
i do take this very srious and it has given me streangth for a huge push to do the right things

im getting there 1 day at a time
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Re: losing my way 15 Dec 2008 06:39 #1386

  • andsm1
last night i had a major collapse in self control and i feel sad and depressed from it and i feel like i let everyone on this list down

i dont know if im recovering or getting worse

i used to have a willpower of iron in a city far larger and supposedly more dangerous in this area but i did better there

here all i feel is depression and fear and anger

so im moving

hopefully this will help m get a grip on my current downspiral

im sorry to all those i let down :'(
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