dear GYE brothers, a lot of family problems at the moement and a LOT of looking at very VERY vERY bad youtube videos. I spent the last two hours solid, ignoring all my family problems and chaos to concentrate on this very important thing.  Boruch Hashem my wife kept walking in so i had to hide what i was watching but i have to say to all of you I feel pretty bad and i'm sorry.  Not as bad as I would have felt if i did ... 'that'

Anyway dont know why I am writing in.  I am not asking for help as I really know what I got to do (i.e. not THAT) but i feel pretty BLEEUUCH with myself for what i watched.

So ok.  have great Shabbos.  And keep off google y'all. 

It sounds like maybe the family problems and the youtube vids are connected.
You needed to escape the chaos which was causing discomfort, so you took the fake meds.
If I'm right, you need to start facing life and not pushing uncomfortable realities under the rug.
If I'm wrong, please elaborate.

Good Shabbos!

DEAR 5770!
the choice is entirly yours, you have to choose either or, you cant keep both.
either you elevate the family problems to a nonbarrable state, and at the same time you indulge deeper into p***, falling down further and further in your own grave, like an ostriche hidding in the sand in order not to see the lurking predator
OR
you make a FULL SUDDEN STOP to that bbehavier, and abruptly stopping to look at p***, and any other triggers, then slowly and gradually you will see your family problems might dissapear, you might need help with that, but thats the first step.
never run to p*** just because you have a hard time in life, it only makes matters WORSE
if you need any help, courage, guidance, advice, just airout, we ar all here for you
welcome for youe first clean day
have a great shabbos

Youtube should not be considered a site that is normal to see on the history of ones computer. The amount of garbage there is terrible.. all without going to a website that has an "x" in its name.

ninety

i agree with Shmeichel u have to find the root of the problem because just working on the porn doesnt help the problem and will always resurface some time or another find the roots work on those and things turn out much better. and remeber hit bottom while still on top.
gut shabbos, and hatzlocha

tryhard wrote on 16 Sep 2011 19:14:


EXACTLY! When things start getting tough and you feel the need to escape then thats prime time to reach out to somebody to help you stay within reality and not lose yourself to fantasy land.

5770 wrote on 16 Sep 2011 03:28:


Google is not so bad if one has a good filter. Lately I am having issues with Youtube also. There are a lot of good stuff on it, but there is also a lot garbage. Did you try putting it on the block site list? I am considering doing this, but I do not want to retrieve password to my filter, I am worried that once I get it I will go straight to bad sites. Good Luck!     

I know exactly what your feeling bro. It's such any easy escape for all the tzurus.

If Youtube is not a problem for me, then I can use it. But it is. If my sobriety were not precious to me, then I'd risk it by using Youtube. What is precious to you? Really asking, not judging or munning. Just asking.

dov wrote on 18 Sep 2011 22:04:


"Just asking?" Is that really honest? Or are you asking so as to guide him to what you believe to be the correct answer? (I'm not just asking )

If I really believed there was a "correct" or "real" answer, then that would indeed be judging and munning. But I do not believe in such an answer.

I ask simply to have the writers of those posts answer for themselves. Whatever answer a person gives - if it comes from his honest heart - is his correct answer, and the only answer that really matters anyway. You just have to trust the process and leave it to do it's work. None of us fix ourselves - we just take the steps. Hashem guides us and it works.

So? What's the answer?

I agree with Dov's "question" (as I often do  ).
If your sobriety is precious, and youtube gets in a way, how can you not throw away the youtube, the key to youtube, and the directions to youtube, and anything that can take you back to youtube? And if you're not throwing it away, then maybe the sobriety isn't so precious and you gotta make it precious first. I imagine Dov disagrees with "gotta make sobriety precious" because it's stylistically incorrrect, but I bet the concept is on the money.

obormottel wrote on 20 Sep 2011 06:52:

this very true but when your stuck in the dirt u have to get up and try because u dont realize its bad when u have been doing it for so long and then you can work on the realizing its so bad

I misunderstood your question Dov I thought you were asking something else. I think you are asking is if his sobriety is precious to him. Is there anybody in the world who,deep down, their sobriety isn't precious to them?

Yossi, if 'deep down' really mattered, then we would not be unzipping our pants so often. It doesn't. It's how we really feel right now that really matters. The heart and the body, not the mind, and not the Neshomah, either.

Obbermottel, I agree with you in practice: there is no real way to "make sobriety precious" except by it becoming precious. Either it is, or it isn't. I sufferred enough, saw I could not afford to act out, and being clean suddenly became precious to me, after a decade or more of 'fighting it'. It no longer felt like my best friend. If we still masturbate and act out our lust, then it is still our best friend, that's all. Why would I try to wrestle somebody else's best friend from them? It is precious to them, so why argue with the truth? See, the religious angle of shaking a finger (even "lovingly") and saying "you really don;t understand. It's horrible for you. You must stop lusting!" - is ridiculous, as far as I can see. We each need to go through a journey of education by experience. If the porn queen and her fantasy affection for me that I employ every time I have sex with myself is my friend, then she is. When the wreckage, blood and gore finally grow to ridiculous enough proportions for even me  to see that she is my greatest enemy of all and for all time, then I will want to stop. Some need to ruin a lot of good stuff to come to there, some do not. That is where my recovery starts. In my own heart, rather than in 'the Torah'.

So, yeah, "you gotta make sobriety precious to you" seems like a waste of time. It will be, if we need it. If I do not really believe that I must be sober, then I will not be ready for it even if it is 'given' to me. Like 'Rachmonah liboh bo'i.'

So I would not try to stop those who are throwing it away, actually. It's their choice to do it, or to not need help. That is why AA does not promote, it only attracts, waiting with open arms for those who agree they must have this thing called sobriety. Wishing we had it, 'believing' it is right, or admiring those who do, means nothing.