Good Morning,
Today is day 5, but I am scared! I am confused hashkafically on some issues and hopefully someone who really understands these things can give me some guidance. Obviously because of the sensitive nature of sexual issues I have never been able to go up to my Rov and ask him things straight out. It is brought down in chazal that everyone has specific things they are brought down to this world to fix. I am convinced by the amount of nissyonos I go through with sexual issues that Yesod is my nissayon. I have also found that the harder I try to break it, the more impossible it becomes. It is almost as if the yetzer horah launces an assault that is impossible to beat. To the point that on the days that I make a hachlata to not give in adn daven for Siyata Dishmaya, on that day I end up giving in and sometimes more than just looking at the computer. I have ended up doing some really bad things.
So I ask the question, why when I daven for Siyata Dishmaya and when I focus on it do I end up failing. In an ironic twist maybe I should not focus on it or worse, is it actually shayach to WIN??
I think I have a neshomah that understands deeper spiritual things, which is quite ironic considering what I do and I have done. In yeshiva, I kept a diary and worked very hard on this. I would learn Tharas HAKODESH AND nEFESH hACHAYIM and really felt I understood these things on a deep level. But then I ended up being Mezaneh and doing terrible things!!! It is so absurd!!
Please can you try give me some hashkafic context or if you know of someone who really has a clear havanah of these things I would appreciate it. I wish I could talk to my Rov/Rebbe (even though I am not chassidish) but I am too embarrassed.
Thank you for listening to my rant.
Kol Tuv
A Poshut Yid

i want to make one point from what youve talked about - that you find when you daven thats just when you fall worst. A rebbe once said that the best way to fight shz'l is to ignore it. there are two points here: one is that you are focusing on not doing something, the whole time. how long can you last like that? much better to involve yourself in doing something good, and not to think about it. secondly stress and worry are wonderfull for the yetzer horah, he feeds off them! obviously it is a terrible thing -  it is G-ds infinite power in this world and were throwing it down the drain, but we cant dwell on that the whole time, it will make us depressed and well probly end up doing exactly that! my rebbe told me this and it was a great help. the other thing that was a huge help which i discovered on this forum is the addictive aspect, which im sure elya and the crew will explain, and youve proble read on this site.
Btw - if it wasnt possible to succeed, in the end, why would G-d give us the test? He tends not to make machines that dont work;)

Dear Pashut Yid,

The answer to your question of why you fall davka when working on it, is very deep. For starters, I want you to read carefully Chizuk e-mail #344 on this page. If you are a smart person, you will understand the answer to this question from that e-mail. But you will need to think about it to see the connection, so let me give you a hint: Your falls are davka an answer to your teffilah and striving. Why? You tell me.

More later bl"n. G-d luck!

Dear Poshut Yid,

    The yid may be "Poshut", but this battle certainly is not. That's not what it was meant to be.

  I have also experienced waking up feeling refreshed on a particular morning. Feeling the kedushah,and then returning home from shul after a wonderful davening. I would be ready for a day full of deveykus to Hashem, and filling the day with lots of mitzvos, teffilos, and learning. I could feel that "this" day was the "perfect" day for a new start. The day started good, I felt good, etc.
  But,.....I noticed the pattern. Out of this almost picture perfect day, ....out of no-where, I would have the most unusual and unexpected nisyonos as if the carpet was pulled out from under my feet. I began to give up the "self confidence" that I had when these days began.
   As GUE has said many times over and over again. This battle with Mr. Menuval is one of gorilla tactics. Gorilla warfare. There aren't too many rules here except for perhaps the 12 steps, but the gorilla certainly has no rules to speak of. He has no rules that we can be completely prepared for.
  And for this reason, you must go straight to the one above, and by doing this, you are fulfilling the next step as well, which is .......NEVER, EVER give up. Don't be frightened. If you do in fact go and literally throw yourself on Hashem, then you won't be frightened. Why, because he his holding you. I remember once the tzadik Harav Asher Freund Zt"l told everyone to go out to the fields and tell Hashem, "Ribbono Shel Olam, help me, I can't hold myself".
   We throw ourselves on Hashem and ask him "you please carry me", I can't do it myself.
   I once thought that the fright was something that I needed. Something that would protect me, BUT, it does just the opposite. It weakens, and makes us feel like breaking.  So,

1)By throwing yourself on Hashem........
2) the fright will go away.......
3) you will become stronger and thereby
4) NEVER give up which in the end will lead to your ultimate.....
5)VICTORY

Oy. Hashem should please see our struggling for avodas Hashem and bring the yeshuas Hashem right now. We are all worn down and tired from fighting this long drawn out war with the Y"H.

Reb Yid: First of all, do Not see the only victory as the 1 that comes after finally winning the yetzer haraa and never falling again. As I mentioned once: Hashem, ruchniyus, and winning the battle on the yetzer hara, are all higher than time and not bound by time. Therefore, every second that you fight this war, is an eternity of victory in avodas Hashem. So even though it is a very tough war, we win the war just by fighting in it. Then, of course, the level of our victory is enhanced each time we hold ourselves back from ...

Thought: I have heard several times from rabbaim that the yid who is just coasting along in his yiddishkiet may seldom have struggles with the Y"H. Why? Because the Y"H has no reason to fight with a yid who is sliding by himself down the slide to knowwhere. However, the yid who is climbing the ladder of avodas hashem quickly, will often ask: Here I am trying so hard, and yet I am faced with so Many obsticles and nisyonas that it makes no sence. But in fact, the Y"H is trying to combat the quick growth of that yod who is climbing. Similarly, when a yid shows Hashem that he is about to shtaig in crazy ways and asks Hashem for siyata dishmaya, that is prime time for the Y"H to jump in.
BUT, the beauty is that if you know this secret, than you know 2 things: 1. It is a good sign when the Y"H bombards u like crazy, bec. its a sign you arer shtayging; and 2. Hashem is haguufa sending the nisayon, perhaps, because u asked for Him to throw u a tool to help u grow. Well, the only real growth of leaps and bounds happens at the moment you win that nisayon.

Hatzlach Rabba and sorry bout spelling I just need to run now.

Hatzlacha Rabba ad miod.

Chasdei avos

dear poshut yid, i dont know why you call yourself poshut yid - if you are here that means you are way above poshut - i am told there are many, many people who dont admit they have a problem wuth this.so you are already ahead of the game.you should change your 'name' to non-poshut yid.
anyway, this is a very difficult battle! if anyone out there thinks, hey look at jack, look at jack, he has it so easy - a nechtiker tog! i must call in every week and speak to someone to make sure i dont slip.i hope, as long as i can, to keep up my kesher with reb guard and elya and mevakesh and everybody here so i stay clean.
thanks everybody!! it is all of YOU who make this all possible!

Dear not so poshut yid,

I can relate very closely to everything you wrote. I have a lot of experience with these situations and I've given these questions a lot of thought. Right now my head is not clear, but for the mean time I'll try to do my best.

1) Hesech Hadas and simcha are necessary for fighting the drive. Of course it's very tricky to keep your guard up and keep davening and at the same time not to think about it to much. Here are a few tips: The Baal Hatanya and many other tzadikim said that a person needs to make up specific times for remorse for his sins, and the rest of the time he should only concentrate on the simcha. These special times have to be far enough apart, that they don't interfere with your simcha. (For some once a week for some once a month and for some once a year.) The same is true for Davening to be saved from the meuval. While you're davening, daven your heart out, but as soon as you're finished stop thinking about it.

Even while you're davening it's important to remember that the taiva is really just a bunch of hot air, only the menuval blows it up way out of proportion. It's that sheker that you're davening to be saved from. The same exact mindset is also crucial for shmiras einayim.

The main tool for hesech hadas is to keep your mind busy. I believe there are hundreds of people like you that go to R' Tvi Meir's shmoosen and by concentrating on self improvement they keep the menuval out.

2) Every Tefila that you daven is saved up for the time that Hashem knows it will help you most. The Zohar Hakodosh says that no good ratzon is ever lost.

3) MayHashem mitzadei gaver, Hashem obviously wants to push you to take steps that you would not have taken otherwise.

4) Our job when we have a nissoyon, is not to win but rather to try our hardest. I must have heard R' Tvi Meir hundreds of times saying "Hashem wants from us the little that we are able to do [in our situation]". There's a special kind of nachas ruach for Hashem when someone keeps fighting as best as he can even though he doesn't have the good feeling of success. In fact, making this special nachas ruach, is obviously one of the main purposes of our lowly generation. And if someone keeps trying his hardest, then in a short time he will become a tzadik.

Please don't hesitate to share your feelings with us, we all end up benefiting.
We all love you wholeheartedly and Hashem loves you much more!

                                                                            CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!

Please also see my post in "maybe I'm trying to hard"