I'm a Jew in pain. I've been struggling with this addiction for quite some time now and although I'm doing the steps now, I'm still really struggling in this area. It hurts so much, especially because I keep on going back to the same garbage time and time again. I know I'm powerless over it and I realize I am so flawed as a person but it just hurts, and I need a place to let that out. Of course I feel like a failure, but nu I know that attitude will get me nowhere. I'm on the road to recovery and I want to stop this and start living anew, but I'm just in pain...   Feel free to share your thoughts.

oh! its a lot of pain, so dont just plain make a short stop, that sounds too much, to it in baby steps, stop just for TODAY ONLY, not a single glimpse or thought, then tommorow again, just for one day
then get yourself a powerfull truck, and start driving it forward, one mile at a time, and never reverse or look back

Truth,
Your username is unfamiliar to me, so Welcome!  Or Welcome Back!
Where are you in your recovery?  What do you mean by "doing the steps.?"
Maybe if we have a little more information, we can help.  There are also phone groups.
Alex

Hello Truth: I feel your pain, especially since I was clean for a long time and recently took a nose dive.

Please smile from ear to ear that you are venting here to us on this sight, along with all of us fighting the same war together.  The fact that you are venting shows a ratzon/desire. The first step is a true ratzon/desire to stop the garbage.  Of course, even that takes asking Hashem to give us the ratzon we need to keep moving forward in the fight.

It took me a long time to realize not to look into the future at the big picture, but rather just deal with the moment. One step at a time, one time looking away, even if the next time I stumble.  '7 times the rightous one falls and then gets back up.'  I once heard a pshat in that, as follows:  Simply, it means despite the falls, he gets up.  But the other explanation is that specifically from the falls, as a result, he gains the strength to win the war, by getting back up and trying agin and again.  It does not just all of a sudden become easy.

In short (too late), each battle is chashuv miod (very beloved ) to Hashem.  So even staying clean 1 day, or 1 hour, or 1 time on the computer, is a huge success.  My savier was and continues to be this sight, with Hashem's help of course.

Best of luck.
 

Sorry to hear you are in suffering. I am not a doctor, but it's possible that you might be suffering from Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have been suffering with P & M addiction for some time now & every time i would tell myself this is the last time, however the same negative thoughts / behaviors would repeat. I have install filter on my computer & I have been taken B12 Vitamins and I feel much better.   

You know its so true that nothing stands in the way of a desire to do something. So true also about looking at it in terms of baby steps so so so true. If only I could start leaving myself reminders throughout the day, to focus on just today and just this moment. Let's break free together. Thank you all so much for posting, you've brought me chizuk. Please keep postin! Struggler - B"H It's my good ole' addiction talking not OCD, but I appreciate your honesty about your struggle. I totally relate. 

Alex -  thanks for the welcome. I haven't posted on the forum much, but I've been doing the nightly phone conferences which are great. I did my 5th step phone call last week, it went great.

truth11 wrote on 31 Aug 2011 02:40:


I hear your pain!!!

I think that struggling with this addiction is not nearly as unusual as it may seem to you.
You are struggling? Welcome to the human race!!!

Also a person's will is often times not enough to stop him...
A persons drive in this area is huge, the fact that someones will isn't enough to stop him doesn't make him a failure!!!!

Hope things ease up for you!!!!

T11,
Hashem wants you to do tshuva, which does include regret.  But he wants you to move on, not wallow in pain.

You've started recovery.  You've found the way out and are on it.  You're ready for a big change.  Ready to give up lust.  Ready to appreciate reality.

Let go of the pain.  It's ok to smile   It's ok to be happy.  And there's no happiness like doing the right thing, making the right decision every moment.  Life is good  :D
Find good things to do.

Happy Ellul !
Alex

Amen Brother. Well said. I just feel right now that I should be feeling more spiritually fit, and for some reason I feel a bit disconnected.

Feelings follow actions.
The more spiritual things you DO, the more spiritually connected you will FEEL.

I have one more thing to say about this though, because a lot of chaveirim on this forum share your feeling of disconnection.  Don't worry.  Just keep doing.  This world is for doing.  Be koveah ittim l'torah, daven at least the first bracha of shmona esrei with kavana, make a slow Shabbos kiddush, think frum, dress frum, act frum, speak frum.  Some feelings will come (and go).

The fruits of your labor, the reward (an unimaginable feeling of connection to the Shechina) is in Olam Haboh, not here.

Wow, thanks Reb Alex, I appreciate that a lot. I once heard a quote that read - we have to act our way into a new way of thinking. Meaning, we can't just wait around until we start thinking differently, because we've tried that and it hasn't worked. Instead, the idea is to act spiritual, live like a Torah Jew and the feelings will come... Good Shabbos

Have a wonderful Shabbos!