I had one of my rambling moments with my accountability partner and I sent him the following, tell me what you think...

There is much to consider about what life really means to us which can help us to change: on the one hand how am I feeling about myself being at day one... again. in addition where is this road that I am on going to take me? What happens if my wife catches me in the act or my children? What if i "decide" that it's not enough and I need to take it further? How many times have I found myself considering find "someone", even though I have a loving wife to whom I am devoted? What if I actually took that road? Where would that lead me to? What if my wife or children found out then? How would I feel? Would they ever be able to respect me any more? Would my wife ask for a divorce, chas ve shalom? How would it affect my work and social relationships? What if they found out?
On the other hand: what if I said "NO!" and overcame this Yetzer? How would I feel then? How would I feel knowing that I was worthy of the respect given to me by my wife and children? What if I now had more time to give them, to share myself with them, to see them grow up to become mentchen? To spend more time with my wife and deepen our relationship? HOW THEN WOULD I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF??????
I would venture to say pretty darn good!
THIS... is called cheshbon hanefesh and we have to learn to do it every single day. I know that on the days where I have felt good about myself it is because I actually took the time to do this. The times that i found myself with the strength to say "NO" to the Yetzer were those days that I took a bit of a look at myself and the path that I was on. It doesn't always help, but that's because this is a process, learning to say "yes" to the right things and "no" (or rather NO!) to the wrong things. The important thing is that we are headed in the right direction.
THIS ALL STARTS IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME WE MAKE TO THINK ABOUT LIFE - PARTICULARLY OUR OWN - AND CONSIDER THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE PATH WE ARE ON VS THE PATH WE WANT TO BE ON.
In short: no thinky - stay stinky.

After having tried unsuccessfully for a while to keep a journal about my "steps", both forward and backward, I feel that maybe the problem is that I am only writing it for myself and not sharing it with others.
As I stated above it's clear that we get nowhere in this struggle if we don't think, but perhaps part of the problem is that even when we DO think we think that we have all of the answers as well!
Part of the 12 step program, steps 4 and 5, are that I have to make a stark and thorough self-assessment of ourselves and then take the steps needed in order to do something about it.
Again, we call this "Cheshbon ha Nefesh".
I am a product of the Yeshiva world and in the Yeshiva world we have a daily "Mussar Seder". I learned many a book on the subject and yet as much as I learned I forgot one vital thing: that these books were made not to teach us "about" the moral issues, but rather that we then take the information and act on it!
How many times have I actually gone and done a real Cheshbon ha nefesh? How many times have I used that cheshbon hanefesh to actually make a plan of action.
How many times have I taken that plan of action and acted on it?
The funny thing is: if I never start step one... I'll never make it to step three.
SO... B"H and bli neder tonight before I go to bed I'm going to post a cheshbon ha nefesh for today and we'll see how things progress from here.

Ok! So it's time for my first bout of "thought" concerning the past 36 hours.
Unfortunately it's seems to be taking a lot longer for the "water" of the Torah and the phone group to penetrate my rocky heart, but I'm not despairing! It will happen.
I have found myself riddled with RID for may days now for all sorts of reasons and as a result (maybe because I have not taken on a sponsor yet?) I have gone right back to my favorite "fix". Spent several hours ogling girls and then... :'(
I find it very hard to focus on what I need to get done, even though my parnassa is dependent upon me working at full capacity. (And my parnassa is not what I need to support my family as it is). >
During the day, in order to keep my mind off the various stresses of my day, during my food breaks I watch something. What I watch depends on my mood: some days its a documentary, some days a movie (broken into 3 parts for 3 meals), some days I'll read something.
Most days I have a pretty consistent schedule: get up at 6-6:15 daven 6:30, mikvah, help at home, go work in my "office" until 4:30 PM go learn with a chavrusa until 6:30 PM mincha, join on the 12:00 PM DUvid Chaim call, (7:00 PM Israel time), eat dinner (sometimes with family) then until about 12:00 AM work on writing-up some topic that I am interested in for various reasons.
When the house is quiet and I'm sitting there (here, as I am right now) in my office/learning room all by myself. All of the family except me are sleeping. I'm a little too tired to really learn well, but I tell myself "I can't go to sleep just yet!" (I'm still trying to figure out why not)... that's usually when the thought hit's me: Shlomo... WHY don't you look at that...? You know how to circumvent the...! You KNOW that you really just want to... and my mind just shuts down at that point. And an hour later I find that... it's the morning after again! AARGH! >
But my day is not all bad. True I didn't make it to Shachris on time, joined a little late, I davened Mincha and Ma'ariv be yechidus because ... just because. (Mincha I didn't really have much choice as my wife went to the hospital today. B"H she's back at home already! Everything's ok). ??? I missed my chavrusa because I had to go to the hospital with my wife. No bittul Torah there, Chesed in it's stead. Went for a physical at the DR. today, ve nishmartem. Finished off an article that I was working on. ;D (Talmud Torah).
Now here I am at the end of this long day (B"H after I finish here I will go to bed, go directly to bed, I will not open up an internet site, I will not pass "go" and will not collect a measly 100$ of cheap instant pleasure) doing cheshbon hanefesh. That's a good thing. ;D
I must repeat to myself 10 times "I don't want to do an aveira! I am an Eved HaShem!"
I will say Krias Shema with kavvana and I will see you all motzai Shabbos!