I have no problem admitting I am an addict when I am in a triggering situation fighting with all my might to avoid acting out.  I have no problem right after I act out.  But what about those days in between?  I was doing great.  No stimuli, no gazing, no anything bad.  all of a sudden I knew I was in trouble when I felt triggered.  so I left my ipod somewhere.  and then I was careful where i usually fall.  and then i was fighting. and then I won!  and next thing I knew I had fallen.  this is in 10 minutes!  I have no excuse.  i gave in way too quick, but what else to do?  How do I admit I am powerless when I am not always powerless?  YEs, I have to admit Hashem is my strength, but if I have control for days at a time and then alll of a sudden collapse, how do I admit I am I powerless over my addiction?  I got so mad right afterwards, I was cursing and couldnt believe I had done it,.  and another thing, I'm ready to start again, but I'm not really committed.  I want to be, but I'm not.  how do I make the commitment to say, I really want to do it this time.  or is that what taking it one day at a time is all about?

I was wondering where you've gone.... Listen, you fought for 10 minutes or ten days? You are amazing and G-d loves you. Get up and start again, brother. I'm sure others will chime in pretty soon, but my thinking is: you're powerless over you addiction NOT because you occasionally fall, but because you CAN fall at any moment, so streaks of clean days mean nothing in the realm of recovery. It's a long and tedious process, and part of the process is to (sometimes, hoyo loy tihye) fall.
One day at a time means just that:  past success is no guarantee of future performance, and at the same time past faillures are no indication of lack of current progress.
I would love to hear from you on a regular basis. Maybe you would like to join our accountability group? The rules are simple: after you've been clean for three days, shoot us a message here http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4306.msg116645#new; you have to post at least twice week, and pay $5 knas if anyone of us fall; or pay $10 knas if you fall (C"V) and we'll each pay $5. This maybe a great tool to help you in your DAY to DAY struggle.
But at least read and post on this forum.
No reason to beat yourself up. It leads to nothing except depression and more acting out.

yeah i get silent when im in beinoni mode.  I cant afford that group (bocher/college student) but I do need to be on more often.  I realized a few days ago I was already having trouble identifying as in recovery.  I also want a pro telling me i need it and guiding it.  i mean counseler.  i have one arranegd to meet with in a few days G-d willing.  i dunno. its almost as hard to really head out on TRUE recovery as it is to stop acting out.  2 years ago I went through so much that led me where i am today thta i consisered recovery, and its hard to think that i need to do it again.  i know i have to allways be doing it but its easier to coast knowing youve made leaps and bounds.  but it really is important to me.  i want to have a good relationship with Hashem and my future wife (whoever she may be), and I cant do that with lust so engrained.  i dont know if I can ever get it to go away entirely, but a bit weaker would be really nice.,..

I did not read your posts in full just trying to feel your pain,glad to see you back.

I know the place you're in. You don't feel committed and you don't want to be, either. You just want to want. You're in your comfort zone.
Well, stick around here, post a lot and soon enough, you'll feel an urge to get back into the zone.

Do you really want to approach Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur full of lost? (rhetorical question).

Your Hishtadlus now is to change your Ratzon. You can change your ration by sticking around here, posting, reading, etc. Eventually, you'll become inspired and want to change...

im dangerous in this zone.  i fell again. my logic: might as well mess up so elul can be day one.  it will be, but it was stupid and i didnt feel like i had control of it.  i didnt, but thats the nature.  i se a therapist wednesday. fix that and other issues maybe in time for the big ddays...

I think that being a part of an accountability group would be good for you. The knas ("a fine") is only when someone falls, not a membership fee. So far it only happened once, maybe twice. And as long as you're not the one who fell, you give only $5 to charity of your choice. But it's a great tool of accountaability - you know I'm not gonna be happy to part with my five bucks, so it may give you an extra incentive to hold out.
But I wanted also to address what you said:
strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 29 Aug 2011 01:59:

here is a quote from the Attitude handbook, available for free download on guardyoureyes.com:
"Although we have an addiction, determination is completely up to us. The trick to ultimate success is only to want enough. So let’s be honest with ourselves. If we find that we don’t want to let go fully of the lust, let’s ask ourselves “why not?” Do we really need the lust? What is it doing for us? There are so many far more important things in life! When we try to hold on to the poison of lust, we are acting like little babies who kick and scream when their father tries to take the colorful little medicine pills that they thought were candies away from them. Lust is poison! If we keep feeding it, it will ultimately destroy our lives. Let our loving Father take it away from us."
So I just wanted to ask you: Why do you want a little bit of poison? Take a whole jar...
I'm sorry to hear about your ups and downs, buddy, but I beleive you can do much better than until now.
Stay strong.

Of course I don't want it but I can only expect so much to go away. Thanks for the encouragement. I will ponder joining the group. Maybe at a lower rate. I just need to be careful with my limited funds.