I have been looking at stuff around lately, and I see that there are others in my boat, or that I am in theirs.  THis is proving to be a hard battle, and I cant wait (well,I can and have to, but am excited) to get somewhere safer on the eyes and that I can get into therapy. I talked to my rav about this and we still dont think I am an addict per se, but I do need a doc who is frum and understands the standard I am shooting for, as I do have a problem.  THe problem is in an addictive setting, but for some reason I cant allow myself to be labeled an addict full on.  I think this is because whenever i do that I fall harder.  If I just admit I am weaker than others I can set up a system for myself and work the recovery like an addict, being honest and sincere. 
I have beat a few tests last night and today.  I am also trying to put a stop to the things that get me triggered that I do, as thats all I can do.  I need Hashem and His Torah to combat the rest.  I need to remember He is there, or I cant do any of this.  The next thing I think I need to work on is accepting that I need His help, and getting myself out of the way when He gives it.  not just in this arena, but many others as well.  I think this might be the first of a journal, and I feel better with others reading it.  Maybe its still a part of being weak, but I can live with this .  thanks for the support.
kol tov nd Gut SHabbos!

Plow on!

I have been.  its hard, but worth it.  I had a nocturnal that I probably inspired but havent done anything willingly!  now I just need to keep oon with that...

I hear you loud and clear.Keep on thinking about your g-d,even in middle of your breathless lusting.bring him in right in middle of it.I say: hashem whatever it is that I am looking for in that woman or picture or that fantasy vision let me find in you.What that means to me is that when I see a trigger I have very strong feelings or a strong interest in investigating what it is all about.So I am praying that let me have these strong feelings towards you,such a lusting relationship with my g-d.It works for me for today.Hatzlochah Rabah.

mechazek wrote on 21 Aug 2011 19:54:


That certainly puts a different spin on things, mechazek, I have never thought of praying from that angle before you said it like that.
Keep on Trucking, strugglingandstrivngBT (as we apparently say over here, maybe if I say it enough I'll convince my yetzer to stop pestering me in that regard) and I look forward being insprired by your progress
Nebulamud