I have been looking at stuff around lately, and I see that there are others in my boat, or that I am in theirs. THis is proving to be a hard battle, and I cant wait (well,I can and have to, but am excited) to get somewhere safer on the eyes and that I can get into therapy. I talked to my rav about this and we still dont think I am an addict per se, but I do need a doc who is frum and understands the standard I am shooting for, as I do have a problem. THe problem is in an addictive setting, but for some reason I cant allow myself to be labeled an addict full on. I think this is because whenever i do that I fall harder. If I just admit I am weaker than others I can set up a system for myself and work the recovery like an addict, being honest and sincere.
I have beat a few tests last night and today. I am also trying to put a stop to the things that get me triggered that I do, as thats all I can do. I need Hashem and His Torah to combat the rest. I need to remember He is there, or I cant do any of this. The next thing I think I need to work on is accepting that I need His help, and getting myself out of the way when He gives it. not just in this arena, but many others as well. I think this might be the first of a journal, and I feel better with others reading it. Maybe its still a part of being weak, but I can live with this
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. thanks for the support.
kol tov nd Gut SHabbos!