I gave in to my teiva tonight.  That was after being won over multiple times today, but never to completion.  Now I let him win.  I knew I couldnt do it.  I'm not overly remorseful, I'm not panicky.  I am calm and ready to take him on now.  Everytime I would fall I would get on here and vent about how bad I was doing.  Now I'm going to sincerely try to do good.  I'm not going to call myself an addict, that wouldnt help.  I am aware that I have serious addictive tendencies, and that I have a problem.  But labeling something that clinically I am not is not helpful.  I am simply in a bad spiral of spiritual falls, sucumbing to something natural that I have within me that with the help of Hashem and His Torah I can overcome.  I just havent been.  And now I am ready to. 
I was flirting with mas in the car while listening to a shiur on sexual ethics. The shiur helped as much as it hurt, which is why I am calling this one a tie.  I fell because I had a computer with to weak a filter.  My new one doesnt have that problem, and I'm doen with the old.  I also had too much time on my hands.  I dont know how to fix that, but it will be soon.  I need excercise.  I will also be getting that soon.  I need to keep from going into the  "hot state".  That I will have to do now.  The only reason anything has soon is because when I am in the house I live in now (parents) I also fall more often.  THere is so little to do and it is so inbetween good things for me.  So I'll daven, I'll try to remind myself that I want a kedusa filled marriage one day, and that the only way to do that is come clean now, and I will do my best.  I hope that is enough.

Hey Struggling,

It's human nature for a guy's mind to wander to lustful thoughts when he is idle. It is important to keep as busy as possible with productive activities so you are distracted without having to fight the YH head on which is really difficult and ultimately doomed to failure.

Don't get down on yourself if you fall: the main thing is to pick yourself up and to try harder next time. With a sincere desire to improve and break free you will. It's the strategic picture that counts not the loss of one or two battles.

Setting yourself a long-term goal like having a happy marriage one day is great as it gives you added incentive and strength to achieve your goals. God gave us this energy so we could use it for our own happiness, and not to destroy ourselves. If we can only learn to focus and use it for what it was meant for then we will be free.

BW,

DL 

thanks.  I needed the boast.  Last night I was calm and determined.  Now I am a bit more iffy. 
What's actually fascinating that I found is that usually right after I fall I am down and the next day I am emotionally off.  Today I was off, even though last night I was fine!  That is actually more incentive to stay clean.  I do need to stay a bit busier still.  I learn what I can but my skills arent yet honed to do so much on my own.  I also am on break right now, so it's a slow time.  Hopefully come next zman it will be smooth(er) sailing.  I know I will ahve to put in the effort, and I am willing, but at least I hope to have less falls and more effort on other things.  bzrat Hashem!

struggling i feel for you today.so happy to see you posting.
I am not so familiar with who you are so please tell me if I am out of line.I noticed that wrote alot about your hopes for the future and not much on what you are doing right now, today even this hour.You seem like a very smart aware kind of person.What is there that you can do to grow from your down experience?

I usually grow by reminding myself that this (the down) is what happens every time.  It also usually goes away after a day or so.  I tend to link days together with this: a day I am clean is good, a day I am not is bad.  That way it's one day a t a time.  The problem comes when there are teivas that last days and I just give in.  A momentary desire is one thing.  Days of intense urge is another.  That is where I am stuggling right now.  And of course, th more you feed it the hungrier it gets....just gottat get out of this spiral. we should all just get out of our spirals....

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 16 Aug 2011 01:36:


You are just thinking your brains out here and wondering why your best efforts at finally figuring all this out keep working you back into your underwear. Good luck living inside your own head. You really believe it is a safe place for you, it seems.

I beg to differ...and not based on philosophy or hashkofa, but only on my own experience. I am not interested in what is nice, but in what will work for you.

The inside of your own head may be the most dangerous place on the planet for you. Only you can know this, and decide for yourself. That you looooove to think and think and think is no proof that it is good for you - kind of like masturbating. You love the way it feels, but it hurts you terribly and wish you'd be free of it. Same deal with thinking it out of your system.

The only way we each can know if our derech is right, is if life actually gets better and better inside and outside us, without having to resort to cumpulsive sex or lusting. And that trial does not take 90 days, but more, for most of us.

The ironic thing to me here is this:

You are beating yourself up so hard about the rather automatic lusting you are doing - yet still see the 'labeling' as some kind of 'failure' in your self-esteem. Which is worse for you? Which has served you well?

I wonder, and wish you hatzlocha again.   

Hatzlocha.

I just type out a long excuse and then deleted it.  I am  not sure you are right, but I nor am I sure I am.  I am now loking into meetings in the area I will be moving to in a week, and may make this a part of my elul contemplations...
for future, please give more concrete advice.  The philisophical pieces are all true, but they dont help one that is such in nature...

I did not mean your down feeling after your acting out I meant the actual acting out.
What did you do ?How did you get there ?what were your feelings leading up to it?Try to be as honest as you can about your thoughts and your actions.It is very helpful to express your thoughts to see it on paper it helps me be more real about myself.Sometmes I write things and people comment and I say  ofcourse I know that I am not so stupid or inexperienced.but then I realize hey but look what you wrote about what you did and I realized I can know fun heint biz morgen but that doesnt mean my actions are equall with that knowledge so what is going on over here.
sorry for  rambling I am just talking to myself outloud.hatzlochah

Usually there is a trigger that sparks a desire and I flirt with it.  I'll just touch or just peek at stuff.  then i stop becasue I cant do that.  then i do it again and eventually the desire is so strong i feel sick and just cave.  i usualy know I dont ahve to, that I have bechira adn i usually dont want to logically, but emotionally just give in.  then as I am finishing I usually have a wave of remorse.  that is the only good part: I dont enjoy it!  right after I am fresh and decide not to do this anymore.  and then the cycle repeats..  sometimes the spark is there on accident, sometimes more on purpose.  sometimes just hormones racing from lack of exercise or heat.  often I used to trick myself into "testing" my filter.  sometimes I just want an image out of my head from the past, so I replace it with one from the present. sometimes I just want to lust.  I have realized that dep down there is a desire to have inimacy(natural desire) but I wnat control over it.  this has blended the feelings of love/affection with lust, adn so I am triggered by some strange things.  I can think myself through thought based situatuions but anything with touch (even kids) is usually too much for me.  The answer, at LEAST short term is not get triggered.  If I am not triggered I have control.  also if I have a stretch of time under my belt  clean I can use that as leverage to stay clean.  The past two sumers have been similar in spiritual lackings in this area and others, and so I have only made it end of summer to beginign, but until I fell a few eeeks ago I was at 9 months.  My desires existed, but I wouldnt dare act on them.  now I lack that pride that kept me going

What do you mean touch is to much for you?Are you married?Have kids?I am marrie and have a few kids.I dont mean to pry just want to be as real as possible avout your situation.I understood from what you wrote that  you want control,what motivates you is your amount of days of abstinence.Is this working for you?How long has this cycle been goingis  on?
You are obviously very serious about beating this and I am just sharing ideas that have helped me.Doesnt mean they work for you.

I am single and 23.  bad combo, but I really want to get this under control and at least have an idea of parnasa before starting shiduchim.  time isnt the motivator, but it certainly doesnt hurt.

Dear brother,
please listen to what Dov is saying on this and other threads. He is not labeling you anything, let along an addict, but please understand that if you have been trying to intellectually convince yourself out of your problem and have failed, maybe repeating the same thing and hoping for a different result is not reasonable?
Did you read the GYE Program in the Nutshell? Did you open up the Handbook? It's freely available.....You said you were 23 yo. I can so empathize.....I am now so many years past the turning point where I could have used a proven system to stop my obsessive behavior without resorting to heavy artillery..... My guess is you don't need live meetings....my guess is you are still able to exercise self-discipline ....what you need is l'maale min haseichel though.....stop rationalizing your real problem and follow proven steps to reduce your vulnerability to failure: filter, chizuk emails (daily) etc
Let me put it to you simply like this:
If you wake up in the morning in your parents home with an er*****n do you have a mechanism to prevent yourself from acting out? If you run to your computer and read a chizuk email, I assure you that boner will go away....If you have an outlet in a way of a forum, won't that keep your mind busy from drawing dirty pictures in front of your eyes? .........if you have an accountability partner, live or virtual, won't that make you think twice before acting out?
You want to get this under control, you want to get married....follow the steps not THE (12) steps, but concrete, tested and proven (Boduk u'menuse) steps to get stopped.....I beg you......stop making resolutions, start taking action........Hamaase hu hoikar, no?
Love you like a brother,
mottel 

ok so heres a perfect example.  My sister was walking around in a specific type of garment and I didnt want that image to be in my head.  So I convinced myself that itd be a good idea to find a picture similar.  then I found videos.  then I was watching them.  then next thing i knew I couldnt stop and was in the bathroom...
I am so mad right now.  I cant believe I just did this.  I'm going to go read through the guidebook but I need PRACTICAL help.  No thinking now.  But also not just let go of control.  I dont know how to do that.  I was so motivated adn now I am at the bottom again.  I hate this!!  I tried to make  adeal with myself but it wasnt me it was my yetzer and how I am sick of him.ugh...galus...

despite the title of my thread I am desperate right now.  I am anxious and feeling weird, and cant believe I just did this.  I really want to just undo it and never do it again.  the gye book doesnt seem so helpful to me.  I dont need the internet to be triggered, it just makes it worse.  The street starts this. my house starts it.  My yetzer starts it.  I just want to be clean.  Hashem could help me I know, but I have to start,.  Why cant I?  I dont even know what to do.  UGH! Oy to them and their sins that they have been exiled from their Fathers table!

What happened, happened. Don't beat yourself for it. You'll have the entire yom kippur for it and even then I don't think you'll need to do it. If you can't control then you are An Onus and onus Rachmono patrei.
I'll write to you more in a couple of hours, have to get to work first.
Just don't act out for two hours. You can do it, right? And whatever happens in two hours isn't your concern right now. You are a good kid, man, look at you: you are on this site trying to break a habit.
Stay happy!