Hi it is me, Holy Yid. One of the lucky old timers. I have been blessed to have found this place over two years ago. I did one round of the twelve steps call and was doing much better but lately I have been falling from time to time. Right now I have unfiltered internet acsess and it is killing my life and soul.

Just sharing so I would not gloat and just give advice to newcomers while I wallow in dirt.

still helpfull, knowing what NOT to do
wouldnt it be a lot more helpfull by following an example of what TO DO?
if you have been here for so long then just dive in
remmember hashem will fight for you, we just have to our max

Holy Yid wrote on 15 Aug 2011 05:18:


wow, very brave of you to post that; You're right, as a newbie, I always think that the old timers who have posted hundreds of times must be way beyond the Taava since they've done so much work.
But now that we see that even an old timer can fall so hard, what hope can you give us, the newbies?
What is it that you have been doing wrong that caused you to fall back in?
Did you get to sure of yourself and remove the filter b/c you thought you were "past that"? Did you feel like you were in complete control?
I'm sorry to be so nosy and I'll understand if you don't feel like getting into details too much but I would like to know how to avoid falling back in after being clean for so long.

I think you would get a big zechus if you could teach us all how to avoid such a situation.

With love and admiration,

KH

Holy Yid,

your honesty is admirable

we all stand behind you. do what you gotta do, you will be all the better for it
zs

KH,

Recovery, the site, the chevarah and all the rest of this wonderful place has given my gifts that are priceless and have changed my life. I No longer hate myself deeply for the things I did online. I am living a more spiritual life. I have become calmer and more trusting.  I have also met some of my closest friends and some of the most caring people I know, even though I do not know their names.

Even if someone does not break free 100% they still have much to look forward too.

I am glad you asked why I fell. I have not had time to do a full analysis but the short of it is that I stopped living recovery. I thought I was better and did not have to stay in touch with the chevrah and live in a spiritual way. I was not being as honest and aware as I needed to be.  I stopped avoiding triggers and growing spiritually.

Some people call that complacency but I think that labeling is a bad idea as we get caught up in the labels and don't deal with the issue.


Please ask me more. I might not be able to post for a few days but that might be a good thing.

Hi holy yid thank you for sharing your struggles.For me every one of my slips have been a gift it helped me internalize more and more the severity of my delusional thinking and my nonrealistic view on life.they were a gift and I hope it turns out the same for you.
What were the reasons why you decided to recover in the first place?why have those reasons gone away?

I came here because I was loosing control of my life.

I would spend hours online doing you know what.

I seem to have forgotten or never fully accepted that I do not not have control over p***

one of the most important steps of healing an addiction is to realise that:
I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE ADDICTION
then you will look for help to control it
go for it
hashem will help you, he helps all of us here at GYE

Don't worry. Even though you probably have a different name in real life, you are surely a Holy Yid by any means. I am bh clean for almost 4 months and now praying that I don't hit a bump and fall downward. We can never be sure of ourselves regarding addiction. But ashrei adam hamefached tamid. We can still learn 2 appreciate life and enjoy sobriety. What you wrote about not living the solution really hit home for me. If your not enjoying your sobriety there's a good chance you will come to believe you will enjoy acting out more. Keep in touch.

Hi holy yid I have been clean now for over a year with alot of support. I still feel that if I would have unlimited access I would fall. I also find that very once in a while i'm feeling down and the thoughts of getting turned on come in my head. afterall this is the way I always made myslf feel good. I think that it may take years untill these thoughts will stop and instead think of what can I do to accomplish something positive instead.
Untiil that happens I feel cannot have unlimited access.
We have to constantly remember we can't fight this. Therefore I don't feel bad that I have these thoughts. unfortunatly I did this to myself and now I have to handle it by getting used to doing something else to feel good about myself.       

so put the filter back on, nu?
and then start everything over. as Bardichev says, mehayom ul'habo keep on trucking.

obbermottel we will be drinkinking lichaim and dancing yalili pretty soon!!!!!!

bardichev wrote on 16 Aug 2011 20:55:

looking forward to that...
BTW, how are we supposed to keep on trucking if I just turned in my 18-wheeler, and my trycicle is missing a front wheel?

Cmon on my truck brother

who rides a tricicle besides for dov???