I am so depressed. I had a great, almost 6 month clean streak that ended a couple months ago and it's been a terrible down hill since then.
You would think that after such a long clean streak I would have strong mental barriers against viewing all the trash that I had viewed in the past. Instead, it takes only a few hours from the first fall for me to get right back to where I left off half a year earlier, doing the same stuff and much worse. My appetite isn't satiated any more through the old stuff and I need "bigger and better".
This is incredibly tough because I feel I haven't moved forward too much. Won't I ever recover that sensitivity that I had? It took about a year of masturbation for the YH to finally convince me to do legit porn.
In addition, the last 6 months do not seem to have given me more sensitivity to feel more ashamed and upset when I finally fell. To the contrary: I feel more comfortable that I ever felt with porn and I even feel completely comfortable with no fences in place. I don't want fences because I know that later I'm gonna want to view more garbage.
In the past, after every action I would feel terrible and set up some kind of fence to help for the future. Now I don't even care.
The reason I'm writing this post is because I care that I don't care. I'm sad that I'm not sad.
I want to finally break through and finish with this trash but I feel like I don't care enough right now. Like I should just continue with this trash until I care enough. But I want to care NOW! It's almost 9 Av and I'm in this disgusting situation. I feel like dirt.
Is there anyone out there who can identify and give me some unconditional love and chizuk?
That would be greatly appreciated!

KH
i can soooooooooooooo identify with every word you wrote

if u know me

i drive a truck

the only gear my truck don"t have is REVERSE

so  to the geshtaltzemfleeegin what happened

i dont care what you do or dont feel

who cares? your YH doesnt care

addiction has  you convinced that p#@* in the reaction to all situations

bad moood
booom
goood mood
boom

triggerred avaddeh p

not triggered yikes whats wrong with me? agaon p

so this stuff makes no sense

pick up from right her right now

hop into my truck

and foooooooor!!!!!!!!!

Hey,

I don't know about the chizuck but I definitely can give you unconditional love  .

When I can't pick myself up through frumkeit, I try to think of all the practical benefits I get by stopping.

When I succeed, I:

- Feel a sense of self worth/strength/accomplishment (strong self control)
- Don't feel the guilt of living a double life (I may have a hard time caring about it but by doing it I'm deceiving many people)
- have less of a chance getting caught
- waste less time
- bring myself closer to caring again

It sometimes works and sometimes doesn't but it is the truth.

Much hatzlocha and have an easy and meaningful fast.

Dude, I totally feel you. I am having an awful week with falls last Monday & Friday and today. Before joining the site and trying to follow the program, I was having very frequent falls and it had to the point where I just did not care to care, which also bothered me on some level. Since joining the website, I have been aggressively cutting down on triggers and working on improving self esteem. In many aspects  I am doing significantly better. While walking / in the store I have been able to turn away while noticing attractive ladies without problems / second thoughts. I became more selective about what I watch on TV and whenever scene is about to get non-kosher, I have had not problems fast forwarding. But for some reason P & M on computer is still a big issue for me. I not only user on the computer & my parents use it as well. I have install filter, but I set up the password as well, so this arrangement has not been helping much.

I have also issue with fences, since once I set them up & if I break them for a legitimate reason, my Y’H tells me to go all the way & fall. For example, I have been trying to not to use computer  for 3 days after each  fall  & today I went to donate to charity and Y’H said you already on the computer, so just go all the way. In the previous weeks, I was able to put up very minor clean streaks(11 & 9 days), but every time my Y’H would convince me that I have done enough & trucking until 90 days is not going to accomplish anything & I will still be sexually frustrated, which caused me to fall. After these streak my sensitive was some what restored. But after latest falls, it has been decreasing. I think the more you work on being clean you will find your sensitive being restored.  I am planning to not get discourage,instead re-start with the challenge.You should not be depressed, you had a very long clean streak, you should work on rebounding back to it.   

Have a easy & meaningful fast!

Don't worry.

Everything will work out only according to Hashem's plan.

Keep smiling.

That's the whole idea! 

Hi Kiddush -

I can definately relate. I am now going on 1.5 months and BH the YH did not give me any trememdous tests. Hashem protected me. But I know it will come. And back with a vengenous.

Anyhow the idea that you are not more sensitive is a bit troubling. What were the 6 months like for you? Aside for porn were you good with shmiras eynayim? Were you ok with shaking hands with women? Someone who was completely cut off has to have increased sensitivity.

But this all could and probably is a ploy of the Yetzer hara. By getting you not to care you are more likely to fall.

I will tell you this. Your story sounds eerily familiar to the soldiers that conquered the Kosel in 67. All of them were crying. One completely irreligious Jew was crying as well. When approached and asked "why are you crying" he answered "I am crying because I dont know what to cry about.. That is what is so painful". You being upset that you are not upset is a madreiga in and of itself.

ninety

Boy do I identify with that
The Y"H pushing from one side then the other.

That part that doesn't care - that's not you. That's the wool pulled over your eyes.
You do care about not feeling anything - that's the real you.

Perhaps your heart seems closed to this issue because it needs to focus on something else.

I was in that situation recently - I pulled myself out of it by having a long chat with myself.
What is bugging me? why? what triggered this?
Is there something that you're not dealing with, something that you're running away from?

Now is your chance to use your head, to take control and say "I don't want to do this".
Turn off the autopilot on your truck. Stop for a second and say "Where do I want to go?"
The load that you're carrying, does it help you?

it doesnt really matter if you care or not, the fact that you succeded 6 months clean is a fact, and will never get lost, its not like "now that i have sined its all lost", no no absloutly not, start again from where you are right now, hashem loves you the way you are now as well, so start again for ONE DAY ONLY, then for one more day, and so on, go strong hashem is with you.

Dear everyone who answered so far: Thank You So Much!
I know some of you might have hesitated to respond. Some of you may have felt unable to help me.
Getting up this morning and seeing all these responses and all the care people have for me is so strengthening. I want to thank each and every one of you for what you wrote because it made a difference!
I am planning a new start now, erev tisha b'av. I am nervous and scared of failure. I feel like it would be very hard for me to be successful and that I must fall again. It pains me to write this and I know that these thoughts are self defeating but they're there. I don't feel like I have the strength I need.
I guess I'll be davening for something this tisha b'av. I guess it's time to cry again.
Please, all you kind people who responded to my cry; I am telling you that you have helped me so much. Please, continue giving me the support I need.
Thank you!
Love, KH

struggler wrote on 08 Aug 2011 01:04:

struggler- without a full proof filter there is no way to stop, its like being in a room with a unclothed women and told not to look!  how can you expect to resist? even if you dont use the computer, the fact that its there and you can access it is to much of a test, no one will pass that, it has to be off limits, you can get someone else to have the password but you having it is like not having a filter.

sorry to stick my head in but i felt it was necessary.

to KH- we are all with you, one thing for sure you want to care and it bothers you, that means you DO care bec you have a holy nishmah who cares. Keep on posting here and you'll do alot better.

to KH- we are all with you, one thing for sure you want to care and it bothers you, that means you DO care bec you have a holy nishmah who cares. Keep on posting here and you'll do alot better.
[/quote]

Helpfyi-  thank you so much for your advice! I will continue posting BH and am going to change!

B"H, Tisha B'av was amazing! I got emotional and cried a few times and I promised Hashem that I am doing Teshuva Shleima and that I am never again going to sin.
In order to facilitate my Teshuva, I am going to post on this website frequently, read the guides, and get onto the 90 day chart again. I already reinstalled my filter (webchaver) and maybe I'll get a second Chaver to get the emails.
I am feeling much better about my ability to do this. I'm still not feeling completely "in" but hopefully with the continued chizuk I'm getting, I'll get there.
Anyone who has chizuk to share, please do!

KH

JackInShteeble wrote on 08 Aug 2011 09:10:

Thanks so much JIS! Your words are helping me a lot!

I feel for you. I love you. I am totally with you. you are in the right place. in this community every one grows. you will one day be a hero. Milchemes Hayatzer will in deed continue all our lives but we will over come him. as the torah says ואליך תשוקתו the yetzers desire in life will be to get you in his trap. to fall. but the torah says ואתה תמשול בו and you will have the power to on top of him and own leadership against him.
We all suffer from ups and downs.
A choshuva rav told me once to do a mitzvah for one second "is a Nitzchiyus". its there לנצח נצחים ולעולמי עולמים every second of our lives is like a peace of land which nothing has been planted yet, or any type of material which nothing has been created with it yet. that's exactly the description of a "second".
you can plant on each second something else.
but at the end of your life all of these seconds will come together, and you will see the wonderful garden you have planted.
every new second is a new opportunity.
if we really feel bad about wasting so many seconds, so many opportunity's we have an option of tshuva where the Mlachim that are born of your tshuvah locate all these thorns and bad stuff and just rip them out for you and replace them with new seeds. but this is already a bonus "tshuvah is not a senseble thing" hashem gave it to us as a present. hashem says even if you owe me trillions of dollars i will wipe out all your bills with the tears of tshuva. and if it is tshuva maahava i will send your mlachim to repair all your seconds. but hashem wants from us not to abuse this system, so he warned us that if we decide to fall and fall and then do tshuva it wont work. so what we have to do is focus on recovery. build as many seconds as we can. and when we fall we should make sure to rescue the next second at least. and try in deed not to fall. and really feel sorry for falling. and keep on trucking. dont kill the next second because the past second every second is a new opportunity.
my freind i love you deep in my heart we are brothers both sons of the same father in heaven. we are brothers in nature i am an addict for my problems and you are at yours. we love each other we understand each other. lets together get out of the dirt as much as we can and focus on not wasting any extra seconds for this battle.
i cant stop righting just because i love you and i feel for you but my wife says that its time to go to sleep. sorry.
i love you. i love you. i love you.

but guess what Tatty loves us both too. in whichever situation we are he loves us. good night my brother. 
       
   

chazak chazak wrote on 10 Aug 2011 05:54:


Thank you so much for your kind and warm words. It did so much for me to see the care and love that you have for me!
Such a beautiful Dvar Torah...
Sleep well my brother.
Love,

KH