I am in a really tough spot.  I have had problems with the internet ever since around seventh grade and I am a few years out of highschool.  When I am in yeshiva I don't have any issues but during bein hazmanim or out shabbosos i usually have problems.  A few months ago when i was home for a few days i looked at really bad stuff and I told myself that I just had to stop before I get married and it really destroys my life c"v.  So I took action and installed a filter on both of my computers at home.  But I didn't want to risk anything so I created a password for the filter that I wouldn't remember and I had no way of being able to take it off.  I was really proud of myself and it was very redeeming.  unfortunately that's not happily ever after.  I thought that when my parents saw the filter they would understand and wouldn't say anything.  The exact opposite happened.  When my parents realized that some (appropriate) sites were being blocked they thought that I installed it for my younger sibling and they got so angry at me for "ruining" their computer.  It wasn't my place to watch my sibling and worse than that I completely "destroyed" their property.  I should have asked to put it on (which apparently they would have said no to as it blocks a lot of sites) and it was a terrible terrible thing what I did.  I am not exaggerating at all.  This is exactly what they said.  I didn't have the guts to tell them that I installed it for myself, and all I said was "you don't understand”.  That got them even angrier.  My parents wanted me to take it off immediately but I am not able to because I don’t even know the password.  I think if I keep on trying I would be able to but I don’t want to be in that position again.  Even without the filter I still have ways to get inappropriate stuff (like movies) but it’s really different than having easy access to thousands of purely pornographic sites.  Is what I did really damaging peoples property and the wrong thing to do?  Should I take it off and try to do the twelve step stuff?  I don’t think my parents are willing to install a program that they could see everything someone does either.  What should I do?

As someone who has gone through the post yeshiva dealing with parents situation, alot of times, parents are extra sensitive to thier children coming back and trying to make changes to everyone else's lives.  It is possible that they got angry as a result of that underlying worry.  As I have learned from this forum, the best way to approach this problem is head on.  If you appreciate your parents for who they are, and you know that they appreciate who you are, there are ways that you could speak to them about it face to face, have them understand AND not be in an awkward position. 
In addition, some filters, like K9, allow you to make the settings and still keep certain sites off the blocked list.  By opening up to your parents, you can have a filter and they can unblock the sites that they feel are clean.  No parent wants any of thier kids looking at P***. period.  Honesty is the way to being clean.  Honesty with yourself, and sometimes, honesty with the people around you.  HATZLACHA! You can do it!

Agreed.

As long as you feel that your parents love you and want what's best for you, it is kedai to be honest with them.

Apologize for installing the filter, and tell them you will try hard to restore the computers to normal.

You can discuss options for protecting yourself from their computers when you feel the time is right.

Your situation is a tough one indeed.  Many people find themselves in a situation similar to yours where their environment is occasionally out of their control.  It is always best on working on ourselves, rather than trying to change other people or even inconveniencing them in any way.  Also, keep in mind that you yourself may need to work on a computer one day whether you like it or not.  Distancing the nisayon as much as possible is very important.  Even more important is building up the mentch at the same time. 

Keep us posted please. 

Hi Smile4life -

Trying to understand from your parents viewpoint and it is eluding me. Say you did it for your younger siblings. Is that so terrible. Its not like you told them they can never watch movies. Just porn. That is not even a religious thing, that is morality 101. Countless studies show that pornography is very detreimental especially later in life.

ninety

smile4life wrote on 29 Jul 2011 20:07:


Sorry for the delay in responding.  Your original post was erev Shabbos, and I said I'd think it over.

I don't have sage advice for you regarding the family situation, but one thing struck me, as you may guess from the quote above.  The filter isn't a replacement for a recovery program, such as the 12 steps.

But first, are you an addict, or just an opportunistic porn watcher?  Are you frequently thinking lustful thoughts, ogling women in the street and in pictures, masturbating?

Or, do you start getting excited at the end of the zman because you know what's waiting for you at home?  Have you tried to stop and failed?  If so, you may be a lust addict, in which case you would benefit greatly from a proven recovery program.

A geder around the computer is important, but it's not a replacement for a recovery program.

Welcome and good luck!
Would love to hear an update from the home front.

Alex