lamed vavnik wrote on 17 Oct 2009 22:45:
i had a not great experience over shabbos, that ended well. i was bored and restless in the middle of the nite , shabbos nite and my old habits came back to me .i wasn't even in the mood, i didn't even have desire . But acting out is a strong habit you do sometimes just to do.just b/c you can. i thought about doing things that i shouldn't do, that would eventually for sure lead me to acting out . as i started i was asking myself, why am i doing this? i don't need this. just then my little 2 year old boy made a sound . i waited, he got up and started coming to me. i quickly stopped what i was going to do and turned to him. he came to my bed with a stuffed toy SeferTorah gave it to me and left. I said to myself this is nuts. it was enough if he had just come himself , but he came with a message! i got up and found him in the bathroom and asked him if he wanted to sleep with me tonite. he said yes . We both felt safer that nite.
i'm not proud that i was too weak to stop myself but i am proud that H' sent me a PM to stop me . i didn't let myself get down over the weakness b/c of the message . H' wants you closer to him, don't waste time being depressed get closer to him! i had a pretty good shabbos after that . just wanted to share that sometimes H' comes and grabs us in the worst times and shows us "look i'm here with you i care what you do . stop!". May we all be Zoicheh to feel H's love and attention like that all the time.
wow.
for a long time i slept with a stuffed sefer torah as a teddy,and i would pour tears into it.
still my favorite nighttime companion!