RATM,
that was sobering . thank you. i have to think about what you (I) wrote. i am more worried about the status of being clean than actually being clean . stop counting ,just be clean ,one day at a time. just today. OK

OK still clean. 7 days  ;D but feeling dirty. don't know why . it's hitting me hard right now ,. i had a good day, i was feeling relaxed but the thoughts attacked me like a roaring bull! so many triggers evreywhere , i don't even know where they are to stop them. i know i'm not supposed to talk like this but i don't see how i am going to last very long like this.

made it thru the nite. nothing happened ,BH' ,no thanks to me. thanks to my filter and my wife telling me to goto sleep. i tried to find something ,anything that would give me a lust fix .'im feeling pretty pathetic. i wasted an hour and a half .thank G-d it wasn't more.

lamed vavnik wrote on 17 Sep 2009 03:58:

no thanks to you?!
who installed the filter?
you
who sent out the cry for help and support?
you
who resisted the temptations for an hour and a half till the yezter just gave up already?
you

wasted an hour and a half?
every second is gold to Hashem.He takes them all and stores in His treasure chest.
If only you knew my friend
if only all of us knew..
im very happy that you made it through rebbe
stay strong
-uri

lamed vav, tzadik,

uri said it good,

youre working through something thats just not so easy
and youre working (check!)
and youre clearly moving along (check!)
and it's difficult (that means you're working!! check!!)
you good man, you so good

tell the lust you want it to introduce it to some friends
we'll show him who's boss!
and cry out! to HKB"H,
to us...

OK
but
[/quote]
no thanks to you?!
who installed the filter?
you
who sent out the cry for help and support?
you
who resisted the temptations for an hour and a half till the yezter just gave up already?
you

wasted an hour and a half?
every second is gold to Hashem.He takes them all and stores in His treasure chest.
If only you knew my friend
if only all of us knew..
im very happy that you made it through rebbe
stay strong
-uri

[/quote] fine . but it's like locking myself in a room and then trying to break myself out.  why did i do it if i just want to break it ? no, i mean why  can't i just not break out and not need to be locked in....... there is no way i can hold out forever with this attitude . i am daydreaming buying a laptop and hiding it . i had a whole fantasy about buying private sales po*n dvd's .i am terrified that i will actually do it . i am also excitedly hoping  that i will actually do it .  i held back b/c i don't want to destroy my marriage if she finds out .i don't think i'll ever do it but ....... 

Dear Lamed,

I had a brief temptation yesterday when I was making some changes to my cell phone plan: what if I would subscribe to Internet access?  But, I kept telling myself, "that's all I need - having Internet access 24/6 - and unfiltered access at that!

I ha d a realization todaY THAT IT'S VERY POSSIBLE  ,the fact that i'm such a perfectionist and have no patience is a  factor in my anxiety about acting out.i think when i had a tekufah that i was feeling OK and relaxed even when i did it, but didn't go nuts about  it  , i did it less and it helped me . one of my main problems now is i dont allow myself to be human and fall . if i see a wrong i must right it .i'm a very intense person.i tried to work today on one idea i know that gives me pressure .i feel i have to give in to people that pressure me , that i cant say NO.  tonite i said No and it wsn't easy but i think it was the right thing to do,. i am aloso working on getting some private time for myself to do a hobby .something i haven\t done in ages ! i feel sometimes the pressure to stop is what i feel b\c i 'm "OCD" about it .b/c i can't accept a failure.if i would chill ou t a bit more,and  take on life head on i would be OK.

does anybody relate to this idea?

I can relate to it.  

As with all aspects of Avodas Hashem, there needs to be a balance between intensity and Simchas HaChayim.

i relate to a lot of what you wrote as well

i have started opening up to my wife and have found it very helpful. as long as i keep out pictures ,movies and other women .she can handle it as an obsession i have like smoking or eating chocolate to feel good.    H' should help us Vaiter that we can keep the YH away together . having a partner in the house is very strengthening. 

Awesome step in the right direction! Don't share details, though... Like you said.

going strong , feeling good ... want to try and share good news too.

Right OK Guard,
no details just good news ? when i don't have good news she'll know it's bad news but she won't know how bad .?