So I havent been on in a very long time, and I really hadnt needed it. I was in Israel learning and I was 9 months clean. Then I came back to my parents town for the summer and the heat, surroundings and easy internet access has me slipping almost once a week. Today was twice in a day. I have filtered my internet and for the most part that is under control, but despite feeling sick physically, having insomnia when I act out and feeling despondent and numb I keep at it. And of course, the more I do the more I want. It is throwing my emuna off drastically, and I just feel like a fraud teaching kids every day at a summer camp and giving dvrei Torah at the shabbos table. I really dont know what to do. I dont want to do this, I really dont but something comes over me and I just give up; I dont care for that moment and then get mad at myself for a week and avoid it. It is SO hard to be shmiras eynayim here and even when I can be at least avoidant of intentional viewing the heat is an environment that biologically makes this struggle worse. I know that's an excuse but I keep getting to the point where I cant even think the teiva is so strong. I am signing up for the chizuk emails but I need help. I have another month here and despite davening that I never wanted to do this again 2 hrs ago, I was back at it. I cant do this anymore. I have to get clean and I have to do it now. This is not the life I want to live. I want to authentically be what everyone thinks I am, and what I know I have and can be. Anyone got any advice?
