As you might recall from my welcoming thread "A new start for an Old Freind", i have relapsed after an extended period of recovery. And I use the word 'recovery' since an addict never fully recovers and is always liable to relapse. I am currenly rolling in the shmutz, destroying myself a little more every day. Feel sorry for my neshama, it has really been taking a beating recently.

Anyhow I need help hitting rock bottom!!

Set aside some time each day to reflect on how this is affecting your life.

Read the attitude handbook. 

If you want, I can tell all your friends and relatives about what you do.  That would help wreck your life, and you would qualify for hitting rock bottom......              What you REALLY want is to "hit bottom while still on top."  That means you don't want your life to turn into a wreck.  You just want the influence of such a reality to get you to work on yourself.  The trick is to have an awareness that if you don't stop, things will get worse and worse and worse.  What's the difference if it will send you jumping off a cliff today or in thirty years from now.  The result is the same.  Focus on that.

So bnasicly go to a hgih place, adn look over the ledge, thinking that in 30 years I may jump to there....  It might get me somewhere.

Thnks, no seriosly

Old friend, do you have people you can talk to openly about how and what you are doing that is "destroying myself a little more every day"?

talking about it, besides for the shame it might cause and be useful as a deterrent, it can give you a perspective and a less clouded picture of what your actions are. you might not feel so overwhelmed and under the spell of the imaginary power of the next lust-hit.

DO the thought of like " should i just jump" ever cross your mind? how the heck will i get out of this? I know lots of people that have those thoughts after they act out and don't realize that those kind of thoughts are actually showing that life is unmanageable. Its just that we let ourself move on from those thoughts fast. Maybe try to write down all your thoughts on paper how this is effecting your feelings. maybe once you see it in writing you will feel it more and have something to look at (even when we move on).

This issue is a hard one- but once we dig in we realize its usually alot worse only that we forget... so start writing... keep a daily diary of your actions and that can help you look at it as well.

I'm thinking along the same lines as Z.
What you're doing now isn't working, isn't enough.
It's a huge step to talk to someone real.
Your YH has you convinced you'd rather lust than be well.
Don't believe his lies.
You don't want to lust. (Say it, "I don't want to lust.  This isn't me.  I'm getting help.")
Wish I could give you a hug (and blow up your computer!).

Gut Shabbos/Voch
Alex

Bardstown, Kentucky on the line:

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 22 Jul 2011 15:22:


See http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-macinnis-selfcontrol-20110710,0,4111598.story

heuni memass wrote on 22 Jul 2011 16:04:

Actually I have done both!            The jumping part I never did jump, but I knkew exactly how and where to do it. And the note, well I left in in my jacket, which someone else switched for theirs...  he couldn't sleep that whole night, until he ran to the rosh Yeshiva/ Rosh kollel about the suicidal avreich.  I beleive his words to me where 'Don't ever leave such a thing in your pocket' (that's funny because i thought they might want to know why they find me hanging, if they do)

I am over that depression now, and although I'm in almost the same matzav, I can now DEAL WITH IT, in a healthy way. And whomever swwitched my jacket thinks I'm a suicidal addict (ouch on both)

You have done it before, so you could manage lust now. You just have to rebuild, slowly, one day at the time.

Old friend wrote on 24 Jul 2011 03:20:



Me thinks you definitely hit rock bottom.
You just didn't realize it.
bit of a stirah.
but hey... you left a suicide note in your jacket pocket.
what in heavens name are you waiting for?
Do you need to actually go splat and turn into old friend apple sauce before you'll consider yourself at the bottom?

WAKE UP!

Thanks Zemmy for the likutim, it's been a long time since i talked to 'the rebbe', and I still remember the hashgacha pratis of his first call to me. His vort beshaim r tzvi meir, and all the other stuff he was mechazeik me with, that promptly forgot.    But to see how great a ben-torah (cyber Rebbe) can fall, does gove me  tremendios chizuk in this avodah.

yeh forget rock bottom, just use those Police traps to make a U-turn in the middle of the Garden State (מגיעה להם). I hit bottom before and it isn't fun, i might as well pour the cement where i am holding now, and practise doing a flace-plabnt into it a couple times.    When i regain contiosness, I can grap a copy of the handbook, and lick my wounds.

going to print the handbook, and my wife will have my modem in her purse.


Thank you everyone.                 

Old friend wrote on 25 Jul 2011 05:34:

just fyi, what i posted was not recycled likutim of toras bardichev. the rebbe himself texted me and asked me to post that to you.
cheers
תמשיך טראקקינג

Tried-123 wrote on 22 Jul 2011 19:19:

thank you Tried for the article, point well-taken
and greatly appreciated

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 25 Jul 2011 15:06:


האדמו"ר שלי"א בבחינת רואה ואינו נראה
or was it simply ruach hakodesh  ;D

Thanks for the Chizuk, and especialy for remembering me in your farewell letter!!