This is going to sound really awful but I can't handle this any more.  Talk about being in a rut.  I'm ruining everything.  I've totally lost control.  I feel terrible.  I feel lonely.  I feel sad.  Stressed.  I can't find any alternatives.  So many times I've tried but just fall back down into oblivion.  I need to speak to someone but can't afford any professionals.  I can't have my wife knowing.  That will be the end of our marriage.  Al tashlicheini le'eis zikna.  I think it's going to happen.  You think you can do it but you can't.  I can't be bothered to just try again and then fall again next week.  I've lost the strength to handle this.  I'm feel that everything is black.  Hypocrisy.  Lies.  I've become a victim to a filthy habit.  I want to break free.  I want to get out of it already but I'm chained in.  All the time different ideas - I'll only do it once a week; I'll read about it for 10 minutes a day; I'll tell my wife I figured out her password on the internet block.  Where does that inner ratzon come from?  How do I get up, get out, stay up and stay out?  I've messed up. 

Dear yossichaim

Yes YOU can, yes WE can. We all have feelings sometimes that we can’t make it, but, we are not suppose to accept it, because its not true, it’s just otzos hoyetzer. Please don’t give up, we need you here, we love you and we can’t have our friends leave.

Looking back at your posts, you had once 45 clean days, which is awesome. You know how many people here struggle to get to 45 days. (I’m today at 41). Back then you were concerned that it was to easy.

I’m not sure what caused you to fail, maybe you became to comfortable, maybe you were just waiting for a trigger to be able to proof that you can handle it and you failed on it. Don’t give up, do it one day at a time and don’t try to find a trigger and say, hey, I made it.

You did it for 45 days, you can definitely do it again for 1 day, 2 days 10 days, 45 days and forever, but, just ONE day at a time, don’t focus on yesterday or tomorrow.

I hope to see you here tomorrow saying that since your last post you were clean.

Yossi Chaim, I read your post and there are alot of "I"s in your post.  Maybe it's time to let go of you trying to be in charge and leave it to the RBSO.  He can help! He wants you to succeed!  But you just have to give your will over to him.  Fortunately, you don't have to pay for any professionals, there are plenty of experts right here on this site who will help you for free.  Reach out to anyone of them.  There is a wonderful chvra here who can help you.  Hatzlacha.

Dear Yossi Chaim,

your poignant words are what many people here have said at some point, including me.

GYE can be a lifeline for you to break out of the dark and dreary corner you perceive as your life. we also felt like we are the only ones hiding these dirty secrets. you are not. as the saying goes "you are only as sick as your secrets".

stay on GYE and post about your situation, build relationships with fellow GYE people, give and get chizuk and ideas. If what you were doing till now did not work consider changing battle plans. There are phone groups of various sizes and shapes. There are SA meetings. Try something new, you can listen in on a phone group to see if something that can help you. read around the forum to see what others have done.

All the approaches incorporate group support. We are here for you. You can find a way out. B'ezras Hashem.
wishing you the best
zs

You are never alone! Always remember that every day is it's own battle. And EVERY victory counts, no matter how small or short lived.

Yossi,
I read through your posts from back in November.  You were wondering why it seemed so easy and were worried if you were going to get slammed.  You got up once and you'll get up now.  For me, shmiras eynayim at all times is a great constant reminder that I'm at risk, to remain vigilant.  Shmiras eynayim is never easy.  It keeps the addiction (and the YH) in check.

Maybe now that it's more of a struggle this time around you'll be better off.  Why?  Because you won't want to go through this again.  Being on a clean streak feels much better. Doesn't it?

Curious now.... when you were on your clean streak, how were you dealing with the addiction?  Was it raw self control, or were you working the steps?  I haven't joined any groups or told my wife, but I did turn my lust over to Hashem.  It's much safer with Him.

Yes you can.......small achievable targets......small steps......Get an mp3 player, get those trainers on, get out run the thoughts out, get angry with the thoughts, run them off. Cool down, read, relax read some more, log on here. Yes you CAN do it.