Hi all,

I have a few challenges that Im sure many of you share and I was wondering how to best go about it.
Baruch Hashem I dont have an issue with pornography. However my issue is more like sime kind of obsession with women and their physical bodies.

1. I find that I am almost magnetically drawn to look at women in the street. Granted it is likely due to the many years of willfully looking for the prettiest girls on the street. But it seems like this habit is strongly ingrained and it is very hard to stop. I personally find that on a typical day where I am out on the street and do quite a bit of walking I may have to control myself from looking at 100's of girls and married women. My eyes are like a very powerfully honed "radar" that pics up attractive women from all directions especially the non Jewish ones who arent properly dressed, and I feel like every time I dont look its a battle and it feels draining. Whenever I do slip and look at a girl for more than an accidental second I tend to "mentally beat myself up over it, and feel really down on myself and like an animal who is out of control, and cant contain control his basest desires." I know that such thinking is very counterproductive. I would say I certainly succeed more than I fail at shmiras eynayim. Im just way too tough on myself. I would love to know about some positive and uplifting ways to think when walking down the street and some effective positive self talk for the times I slip and look.

2. How do I avoid the built up stress of fighting to "not look" at every girl/woman I pass in the street? I will sometimes look down and feel my neck get tense from wanting to look up, or to the side...I feel like walking down the street leaves me stressed out and drained. It leaves me thinking that theres only so long I can submit myself to this "torture" of walking with my head down focused a few feet ahead of me. Do any of you guys feel the mounting stress of repeatedly "not looking?"  How do you guys do it in a more manageable way? Is there something you tell yourself before leaving your house to get you focused and on track...?

3 . How does one change his perception of women to one of respect and dignity? For many years I have viewed women as sexual objects who exist for my pleasure. I would like to change how I think but it is very difficult, especially when it is clear that many women are dressing, walking...in a way to attract our attention and want to be objectified? Any thoughts, or good Jewish reading material and seforim on the subject?

Thank you for reading and for any and all input. I have the utmost admiration for all of you mighty warriors and wish you all much Hatzlacha in your fight against the dark spiritual forces that constantly threaten to destroy us in this day and age.

Look for thread shimas eyneim not internet.

Hi and welcome.  I would read through windows of the soul, available for download here (www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/Windows%20of%20the%20Soul.pdf) and see if it helps.  Hatzlacha

Thanks for welcoming me! Not sure what normal is but I have had issues in the past and I have acted out with women, had a gf...
Baruch Hashem I have changed my life but I still suffer from an obsession with the female body and struggle very much with shmiras eynayim. Its almost automatic, I look at a girl and I size her up instantly by her various appealing physical attributes. Its like my eyes jump instantly to the parts of her body that i have no business looking at...
I also struggle with masturbation and the longest I have gone without it is maybe about 10 days I think.

I feel like telling myself" don't look" "don't look" just makes me want to look even more. So even if I don't look I feel an inner build up of wanting to look. Does that make sense?

TheJester wrote on 23 Jun 2011 07:39:

Ok ill see what I can find although my issue isn't just shmiras eynayim per se.Holy Yid wrote on 23 Jun 2011 07:59:

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

TheJester wrote on 23 Jun 2011 16:34:

Thank you for asking those questions. They got me thinking and helped me bring into focus what I think the core of my problem is.

I think its actually 2 or 3 things.

1. I have always been very into physical pleasures such as overeating and other luxuries. I think its a way to feel good, to fill some inner pain from my childhood. Probably due to feeling unloved, or not as good as those around me and maybe I was using pleasure as an escape and as a way to temporarily feel good.

2. Theres another thought I have, and that is that I think that I have an overactive libido. Maybe my body produces too much testosterone I dont know....
Like I said above, I have had a gf in the past and we spent a ridiculous amount of time doing "things."
It was almost like I am insatiable. Or have a very hearty appetite.

3. This one may tie in with # 2, but I think that on some level Im obsessed with women and with sex. I spent countless hours learning about women, learning about how to give them pleasure reading books and articles on these subjects...Im literally a maven and "boki" in these inyanim. I know what to do and when to do and how to do and I love doing it. Im not just about my own pleasure. I also enjoy giving pleasure to the person Im with whether she is being paid for her services or if shes my gf. So I think it may be part of my nature to be into sex. However I dont know if this is necessarily a sickness or just a nature that some guys are more aggressive or macho and have more of a sex drive and are more into sex.

Well anyways this is what I have to say for now and if you have any comments I would really appreciate it as I really would like to get to the bottom of this and understand myself and figure out what is at the true core of my lust.

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 23 Jun 2011 17:17:


Thank you very much for your warm welcome and for all that info! I am sure that the ebooks will be of great help to me.

I have removed a couple of posts that were overly harsh.  I sniped, and picked at some semantics from our dear OP.

I have, until now, been using a screen name that I became - "Jester" - one who picks on at others.  Vatching and I have since communicated via PM, and it appears that I dredged up some of his ancient history.  I apologize.

Sometimes, I see in the posts of others, things that I see within myself.  Rather than deal with them in myself, I get angry, frustrated, or at the very least unhelpful.  I must thank Vatching for his acceptance of my apology, and tolerance of my behavior.

Hopefully, shedding the awful pseudonym will help me to avoid this in the future.

Humbly,

Yossi