Forget the aveira. This is an addiction.  If not intercepted, it will only worsen. You need to get well so you can live.
With love, good Shabbos
Alex

לא עליך המלאכה לגמור
You sound overwhelmed by the prospect of beating this addiction. As UAJ said, that is a hidden blessing, because it is the truth. You cannot beat it. But Hashem can.
ואין אתה בן חורין לבטל ממנה
your job is to take steps right now to allow Hashem in

although it sounds hard and some steps might be unpleasant, it is worth it and you will be happy you made the effort
wishing you hatzlocha
zs

WBH - I thought of you, today.

I was saying Tachanun, and was musing over the collective nature (Ashamnu) element.  It occurred to me that "I have sinned, I am failing, etc." would just bring a person to depression.  Sinning in isolation is a nasty little experience.

But when you consider that your struggles are the same as those faced by the amazing people in this kehilla of GYE...  It should maybe be a little easier to keep away from the depression that ensues.  And that the power of a group can help.

Please, keep posting here.  Because you are helping all of us, as well.  Your victories are ours.  And your challenges are ones that we face, anyway.

Share and stay! Ask and tell! You have back up here !

wannabehappy wrote on 23 Jun 2011 15:26:


The ADDICTION is where the mind games are at, buddy.

Recovery is the chiropractor of the mind.  It'll twist your mind to be straight again!

--Eye.

WBH -

Can you give a bit more background as to why you feel it is so hopeless. How long have you had this problem for? And the real question I have is.. What did you try that did not work that is making you so depressed.

If you did not do a 12 step program or some other form of aversion therapy (can I call it that) then you never tried.

Its like walking into a supermarket without money and getting upset that you cant buy milk. Doofus, if you dont have money the milk is not going to jump in your car.

The 12 step program, and social groups are currency for breaking addiction.

So before you give up make sure you at least tried.

ninety

Dear Wannabehappy,

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

hi doomed
      I'm really glad you said that.Now you can join the others who think their doomed.I once heard from a big gadol the biggest koach of the yetzer hara is to make one be misya'aish,to give up.Once you give up there is no fight and he wins easy.the Ramban in shaar hagmool says how there is no test that Hashem gives that we cannot pass(or else whats the point of the test).I read how you mentioned that maybe you are supposed to fail this,that is just impossible,Hashem would never force us to fall. Hashem wants us close to him more than we want to be close to him.And for the record thinking that you are doomed to fail is one of the biggest tests a person can face.And since the Ramban says you can pass you will pass.

  With best hopes and davening for you emunah17

did something real happen as a result of something your having problems with ..............i myself many times feal that i am out of it too long ..............that the forces of evil have gotten me ..........but then i kinda remember that if i give up so will others including my own children................. also maybe your looking at it the wrong way i often find that instead of thinking that im limiting myself from things i want i am actually channeling my strength where it will do the most good ............sorta like having a choice between just rolling a rock up a hill or actually doing something ................i use to be involved in a lot more things wrong and now i got it down to a much lower level by using things that i know i can look to or do instead ..............the nets a big place there are real things to do besides stare at girls all day i also stumble on this a bit nowadays but when i do i remind myself the above and go to something else like a torah class (or you can learn other topics if you want )

Thank you all for your loving and caring words.

Im going through a dark time,job insecurity,a little debt and in between apartments. Very unsettling.

I do feel that the steps I took so far are way better than what I was doing b4 gye.

I know my mind is hardwired the wrong way for so long and its not gonna change so quick but I need the patience and serenity to not give up everytime I fall.

But in the meantime I feel schizophrenic. That's what I mean by mind games.

Part of the problem is,that when I don't know for sure if I am getting better,patience is not a virtue but a hindrance.

I wish somebody could tell me for sure where im holding based off their knowledge of my self described personality,problem and  steps taken so far,plus their experience with what worked for them.

Does any of this make sense?

wannabehappy wrote on 06 Jul 2011 19:14:

not a professional shrink but you sound very much human and are facing challenges and confusion. welcome to the club of life. most of us here are survivors of lust wars. with all that that entails. our job is to make the best of what we got.
we are all here for you
keep taking steps
keep at keeping at it
wishing you the best
zs

p.s. chilling out is important too. you can always chap a drink and a joke in these:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1065.0
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1609.0

wannabehappy wrote on 06 Jul 2011 19:14:


What steps have you taken?  That would be interesting to hear?

The schizophrenia is part of the double-life an addict leads.  The more time we spend in recovery, the more our private lives (including the thoughts in our heads) and public lives align with each other.  The more peace of mind we find, and the more serenity we experience, no matter what our circumstances may be.

Good luck to you,

--Eye.

emunah17 wrote on 30 Jun 2011 03:48:



--From Teshuva B'zmaneinu, Dr. Sorotzkin

Thank you.....
and here I was already doing tshuva.... ;D

hey wannabehappy,

We are all attacked by competing thoughts.  I should do tshuvah, I shouldn't, I need to fight, I should just give up, I can do better, I should just accept that this who I am....

How do you know which one is right?

Ask yourself honestly, how do you feel when you listen to the voices of surrender?

You might be scared at the road to recovery, but I bet you don't feel good about yourself when you rationalize giving up either.

Don't worry.  Be happy.  You've already made a major step by joining us here.