Hello and thank you for the encouraging responses!

Yesterday was a VERY difficult day to for me as I find that I am very vulnerable when I am tired.  For this reason I have tried to stay off the computer at night and get to bed early.  Due to my line of work, however, that is not always possible.

I agree that I need to come up with a long term lechatchiyla strategy as watching movies is NOT a viable option.  That being said, however, as I do not have nearly as much clean time as many on this board, I am not willing to close the door on anything just yet that will keep me away from porn under times of distress.  I have found that when I set hard limits with regard to what sites I will and will not visit, I have often ended up slipping because I view any deviation from my pre-designated website as a nefilla.  And once I have fallen in one regard, I have tended to quickly regress into much worse activities.

So here is how I see things today ...

My hard limits are no porn whatsoever.

My soft limits are no movies and other secular media exposure that I deem offlimits.  (I do read certain secular websites pertaining to 'parve' subjects such as business and politics briefly during the day.  I also have an adblocker installed on my browser so there are no banner ads).

Whatever concessions I make to the yetzer will NOT come without a fight.  I will not turn to online videos and movies indiscriminately and will only do so as an option of last resort.

I will continue to try and strengthen myself in Torah and Yirash Shomayim.

Just wanted to end off with something I saw in the Michtav M'Eliyahu from Rabbi Dessler z"l.

Chazal tell us that "im puga buch menuval ze, mashveyhu l'bais medresh" (If you encounter this 'mevuval', drag him to the bais medresh).  Rabbi Dessler is medayak in the lashon of this statement and asks ... why does it say if you encounter this 'menuval'.  It should say if you encounter the yetzer hara, drag him to the bais medresh.

Rabbi Dessler goes on to explain that in order to fight the yetzer hara, you must first realize that he is a 'menuval'.  Rabbi Dessler elaborates that the yetzer is "oseh meseh nevelus" (performs actions of nevelus).  The yetzer promises a person that he will bring them satisfaction and contentment, but leaves them only with sorrow and despair. 

Today is day 11 ...

Kol Hakavod plus!

I see that you consider youtube like a porn site, that shows that you really know what you're doing.
Please see chizuk email #237 (it's very short and if you want elaboration I can provide as much as you want, from the same source)

Hi Battleworm,

Will quote chizuk e-mail 237 here for clarity ....




This yesod is indeed very important for anyone struggling with Internet addiction to know.  After we are nichshul once the next thing the yetzer does is tries to get us to be nichshul again.  I certainly have fallen into destructive binge patterns after acting out once, because why not, we have already fallen one time.  After a slip, we tend to rationalize and tell ourselves, you have already sinned and have already fallen, so let yourself go, you will anyways need to do teshuvah tomorrow.

Any elaboration you can offer on this point will certainly be a benefit to those of us on this board. 

This is one of R' Tvi Meir's big yesodos. If I were to write everything I know from him about it, it would take at least 30 pages. So I will bli neder try to come up b'ezras Hashem with a very short summary within a few days. 

The following is a small sampling, based on the shmooze of Shvi'ee Shel Pesach 5759

The Chozeh Milublin, The Beer Mayim Chaim, R' Hershele of Ziditshov, R' Tzadok Hacohen and other tzadikim said: When a person feels "I blew it already - I messed up this time, and still he doesn't give up, he keeps trying to salvage what he could - ignoring the fact that he already failed (R' Tvi Meir calls it "Kum B'palgus Laila" in the words of the Zohar Hakadosh) then the Nachas Ruach that he makes for Hashem, is greater than, when one is completely successful.

This is the epitome of Shechina Bitochtonim, which we know is the purpose of creation.

It is the greatest form of mesirus nefesh, because it is completely against human nature, as there is no short term satisfaction.

The yesod is hinted to, in parshas Vayishlach. "Vayeiavek ish emo ad alos hashachar" Chazal say "He'elu avak ad kisei hakavod" R' Tzvi Meir says that it means that by this struggle that Yaakov Avinu had with the samech mem, he made the greatest nachas ruach out of the dust of the earth - the lowest situations.
[This is in keeping with the pushut pshat. We don't find any hint in the pasuk that Yaakov overpowered the malach. On the contrary the malach actually wounded [i]him[/i]. But just because Yaakov wouldn't give up even after he was wounded, the samech mem was forced to "agree" to the brachos - which is a "siman" to the tikun hashalem that will come through our not giving up]

Perhaps the greatest illustration of this, is by Yoseph Hatzadik. The gemoroh (in sotah 36b) says, that Yoseph actually came in to Potifar's house to sin (as Rashi brings) Then the Gemoroh says that he actually spilled seed at the time, thereby losing Ten Shevatim that were supposed to come from him. And, when after all that, he held back from sinning, he became the Merkava for Midas Hayesod and one of the seven "Royem".

R' Tzadok and other tzadikim explain that this is what really constituted the nisoyon. The menuval said to Yoseph: Don't you see that you already messed everything up. And don't you realize what a goner you are. The Shevatim have already poskined that you are chayav misa, including the Shechina Hakidosha in their Beis Din. [Even Yitzchak Avinu who knew where Yoseph is, didn't tell.] Nobody cares about you any more. You're lost and cut off in this world and the next. And now you failed so badly. Face the facts, it's over!

But Yoseph Hatzadik said no! I don't care about anything - not even about being a tzadik. The only thing that concerns me is: What do I need to do at this moment?  What does Avinu Shebashamaim want from me right now? It was in that zechus that he was zocheh to everything. That is why he is called Hatzaddik. And that is why Krias yam suf was in his zechus as Chazal say "Hayam raah vayonos - ma raah? arono shel Yoseph!"

Battleworn, you should write a book  on this subject!
If I ever do, it will sure include a lot of your wisdom!

This is the first time I am updating this thread since a slip last Thursday.  I had to be up late at night for work again and unfortunately the yetzer got the better of me.

I joined Elya's Sunday call for the first time and he was nice enough to put me in touch with some people from my area that may be able to help out.

I still feel somewhat shvach, but I was able to pick myself up relatively quickly again with regard to my learning.  Whereas I would have been watching online video all week long, I have been able to refrain from such activities since the slip.

I am beginning to think in terms of recovery through group participation.

As is quoted many times here in the name of Rabbi Twersky.

Therapy is the icing on the cake but meetings is the cake.

Today is day 5

You hit the nail on the head!
- Keep in touch with Elya and
- Join the groups,
- read the Chizuk e-mails each day and
- keep posting here and
you'll be well on your way to a solid recovery!

Oh, and prayer of-course. Lots of it. He is in charge.

Dear Shomer,

I hear from your message that you do not like what you are doing, when you are doing it, or afterward (especially).

C'mon. Get a filter. You don't want to go to those sites, as you said. So, make it difficult. A lot of people like Bluecoat, which is free and very customizable.

YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE LONG RUN.

edit:  MUCH BETTER.

Hatzlochoh Rabboh. "Haposeach pesach koton poschim lo.... ( I forgot the exact words, you probably know them.)