I managed to get to about 150 days without porn/masturbation.  A miracle in of itself.

Then in recent weeks my YH convinced me "hey you got no lust anymore dude, that is not healthy - - go on, fire it up, make sure all your equipment is working down there still"

So in secret, I got my favourite hobby back again ... (in secret of course, I don't mind if Hashem knows what I am doing)

Now my wife hates me more than ever imaginable.  Her contempt for me has reached new dazzling heights.  My poor, miserable sick child is worse than ever before.  No sleep for anyone in our stupid family (obviously).

OK so thanks, I got my punishment (just like the ten spies).  But I still want to do it, and my family is suffering - regardless of my lust.

So to anyone who is still reading--  why don't I have any emuna? why don;t i have any fear that Hashem is watching me when I act like a stupid idiot? why can't He just tap me quietly on my shoulder and scare me straight or do something?  Punishments do not create emunah for  me, i wish they did!

How about a trip through the "Attitude Handbook", eh?

Are you a lust addict?  If so, emunah isn't the issue, and won't save you, just maybe make you feel guilty on Yom Kippur.  You need a program for addicts, like you'll find on this site.  Like working the Steps.
          ?
Hatzlacha,
Alex

5770 wrote on 19 Jun 2011 04:07:


I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you used that adjective in a state of ruach shtus.

If not, I don't see why your wife wouldn't feel badly towards you. Calling someone stupid isn't very endearing. Sometimes, thinking that they're stupid is worse than saying it, because maybe there's emes to it. make sure your shalom bayis problem isn't something else entirely before blaming it on your addiction.

Also, you have emunah. You beleive that H' is watching you and has total control. Emunah isn't action, though. Emunah menas "hakol bidei shamaiyim chutz miyiras sh'mayim". You are exactly what the Gemara is talking about. Knowing and understanding H's omnipotence doesn't make you a tzaddik. Action makes you a tzaddik. If it was easy, it wouldn't be a challenge. If it isn't a challenge, then what's the point? if we don't fall, how will we learn to get up?

Before anybody here offers any criticizm of my friend 5770, I'd like to offer a little context.

He is a Baal Teshuva whose wife in anti-religious. She will not go to the mikva, so it's been years (yes years) since they have been together in the way of husband and wife.  He is only in this marriage for the sake of his daughter in the hope that he can cause her to be frum.  His wife makes his life miserable.  For some reason he feels that his wife's attitude about religion is because of his failings.

Despite this he was on a 150 day clean streak and he does his best to get along with his wife even putting in the effort to do extra things for her.

In my book 5770 is a Tzaddik even with his recent fall.  Anybody here really feel they are qualified to criticize him?

I'm not qualified to criticize anybody.

I'm qualified to point out that if you want to keep a marriage healthy, calling your family stupid isn't going to help.

Staying in an abusive/destructive relationship for the sake of the children is frowned upon by many marriage counselors. I know absolutely nothing about 5770's situation, so I am in no way passing any judgement (I'm certainly not qualified to do something like that), but it's something to keep in mind.

My point was less about the marriage, and more about blaming the marriage issues on the lust. Me3, you have only made that point stronger. There is obviously a whole lot of backstory and other issues going on here, so I wouldn't be so quick to blame in on the lust.

5770, I have some very close friends who suffered (some suffering) through failed relationships. I have seen firsthand the damage it can do to the "normal" one in the relationship. The pain and suffering that your child is going through only make your situation that much more undeniably hard. I hope that you find some peace eventually, and I'm in awe that you are able to make time to fight this fight with everything else you have going on. We're always here for you.

5770--
My heart goes out to you.
Did you receive a psak that you should stay in your marriage?
Now I'm just an anonymous guy on a forum who knows little about your situation, but it seems to me that getting divorced and building a new, true, loving, respectful jewish home for your daughter to see and experience might do more good for everyone involved.  You matter too!  I have some life experience in this area, and would be glad to discuss it through PM if you'd like.
Alex

5770 wrote on 19 Jun 2011 04:07:


We all believe in שכר ועונש however don't think that what is going on now is punishment, it is LIFE. I have been clean for 4 days now and I truly believe Hashem owes me at a minimum a $1,000,000,000 jackpot! (that is after taxes!)

If life would of been that simple we would not have any בחירה since we get hell for acting out and good bunches of money for being sober!!!

Perhaps everything looks bleaker now, because you feel like a piece of SH*T.
Perhaps you are irking your wife more now, because your self esteem is SHI*T

Love

Dear 5770,

The emunah problem is something I have felt before. But it is really just a distraction from your recovery, nothing more. I will be glad to explain why, but it will be hard to do until I know more about your recovery work till this point.

As Me3 pointed out so well, you are certainly a better man than I. But that is not going to help you in recovery, for if you are lustsick, you are sick. Even a great man such as yourself (which I hold you to be) is weaponless against the reality of this problem.

Your body has a mind of it's own. In Kabollah they talk of the Nefesh, vs the Neshomah that is higher. There are parts of each, as well, I need not lecture you on this stuff I am sure. But your body does have desire that it learns like a dog learns to repeat the same trick with training.

If you are anything like me, then you spent decades training yourself - unintentionally and intentionally - to use and trust sex, fantasy, lust, and orgasm to fulfill the whole in you, and to replace pain and confusion, doubt about life, death, everything. And it works to an extent, otherwise you would not return to use it at all!

But it has obviously become the problem for you - not because it is a sin, of course, but because of the pain that comes with losing such control and being driven by the power of lust against your best interest. Is this true, or am I wrong? Is your only problem with lusting, that it is an aveiro?- And so, other aveiros affect you as exactly as deeply, as masturbating to fantasy does?

If you are an addict, then what is the shayloh? Your body's overriding necessity to have sex with yourself has nothing at all to do with your hakorah or eeh-hakoroh of G-d, because your body doesn't know from G-d, from Torah, from nothing - it only knows what it feels. And fantasy and orgasm feel great to the body. What do you expect? Your gayvoh is actually catching uo with you, as it does with me often. Gayvoh is all it is. You are not rebbi akivah - and even rabbon Yochonon ben zakai the day he was dying blessed his students (tanno'im!) that their fear of Hashem should be as strong as their fear of people seeing them do stuff!

Didn't he? Then he explained, "Don't be dissatisfied with my brocha, for you should know that people are this way. They do stuff and say, "nu, I hope no one is seeing me." Yet they are ma'aminim! It is the body vs the mind, buddy.

So calm down. be happy at least you are a Jew, and that you recognize the enemy. Give the struggle up to Hashem to remove. Have friends in recovery who you get together with in person, and get back to building your life regardless of others.

Love,

Dov