Real teshuva means doing things differently.
Today's going to be different. This time, I really mean it. No, seriously, whatever it takes, this is really it now, it's over. How many times have we all had those thoughts? "It's easy to quit smoking - I've done it hundreds of times!" What an incredible quote (Mark Twain, naturally). Yes, it's easy to quit. But that's not the difficult bit. We need to
change.
If we don't change internally, then our actions are merely a reflection of our mood, not ourselves. I'm feeling frum today, I think I'm going to try beating the yetzer hora (of course we never phrase it like this). Oh dear, today was difficult - or, 'I fell yesterday so...', or 'work's really tough and...', or 'my learning's gone to pieces and...', or 'I just can't this time...' - ...and then it's back to where we started. If we've been battling this for months or years, and we keep finding ourselves back in that place, we need to be doing things differently.
I've no doubt that there are few things more precious to HaShem's Ears than the rallying cry of His warriors regrouping for another attack after a yet another battering from the incessant Yetzer Hora.
That demon never gives up, they have sustained countless assaults, and yet my people still stubbornly refuse to desist from their struggle! How wondrous! Mi k'amcha Yisroel! And yet surely there is a pain in HaShem's heart (as it were) as He watches His men march right back up the hill with the same weapons of war that proved so ineffective in previous confrontations. Your struggle is just, your persistence admirable, your bravery laudable - and yet your battle tactics are doomed to failure! Where are your wise men, O brave Knight? Have you not consulted your advisors on your new strategy? Surely you do not expect to succeed against your enemy with your old weaponry? You need new tactics to avoid confrontation, new armour to protect you from advances, and new weapons for that inevitable assault! What are you thinking in attempting to fight with all that which made you unsuccessful yesterday? Surely you realise that you need to rethink things and do things differently if you want to ensure a different outcome?
As the men throw themselves once more over the trenches and into no-man's-land, you do wonder how long it will be before one of them finally realises that this just isn't working. Without an improvement in tactics and weaponry, you are locked into a prolonged fight which you know you cannot sustain indefinitely. Change, my friend.
We need to do things differently if we want to ensure a different outcome. I need to change myself if I want my actions to be changed long-term, in real terms. This is me doing things differently.
I resolved to post on the forum on a frequent basis to help me with this struggle. I feel that HaShem is helping me to win many battles, but to win the war I need to ensure I have some hischadshus in my struggle. Breaking out and finally talking to my Rebbe about this helped me a lot. That was a major game-changer. But several months later, and still constantly tripping up, I think that posting on the forum will also be a game-changer. Writing about my struggle, being accountable to friends and family (which I consider everyone who posts on GYE - we truly are a unique community of individuals (again, mi ka'amcha yisroel!)), helping others (hopefully!) by the odd individual finding some kind of chizzuk by something I may write once - I hope all this will help me to merit HaShem's intervention when He perceives how seriously and how much I want this y"h to be beaten. I know it is a long struggle, I know it will be difficult, and I'm prepared for the road ahead. I hope that I will find chizzuk on this forum and that some of you will help me to get there.
kol tuv to all out there - Fighters, Veterens and Intelligence
-Shilat
P.S. I apolgoise for the length of this post. Writing helps clear my mind and set myself up for what needs to be done. P"G, future posts will be shorter! (Though no promises - sometimes my thoughts come out like this!)
My first post (and previously only post) can be found on:
http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3247.0;prev_next=prev#newTopic: It's finally time to bring in reinforcements
Thank you so much to all those who posted replies on that thread! I cannot respond to all comments (from November), but thank you for chizzuk, comments, suggestions, and criticisms.
And yes, Eye.nonymous, there is an intersection near Modi'in with my name (Shila"t), but surely you know what is means? And what a beautiful abbreviation it is! I could not believe it had not been taken by another Fighter before me when I signed up to GYE last year!
