I've got a lot on my plate, and I'm feeling exceptionally stressed right now.

I've discovered that stress is NOT good for this battle. I find myself thinking that "I'm so stressed. It would feel SO good to have the physical release that comes with P and M." Truthfully, it would feel good. It would probably feel great. But that's the extent of it. The shame and regret isn't worth it, but the desire was strong, It was strong because instead of being pleasure for pleasure's sake, it had a purpose. I was stressed, and it would help me calm down.

Unfortunately, negating the stress isn't a very viable option. I just have large amounts of work to do in a small amount of time. My usual methods of relaxation (music, a drink, playing a video game) don't even come close to the release that acting out does, and that scares me a bit. It's telling me that I've developed a dependency (a while different beast than addiction) to P and A, and I can't find something to replace it with.

I guess I'll just have to work on my stress levels and coping mechanisms now. This war just took on another front.

If you follow the thought through, and remember and visualize the consequences of the lust and acting out, you'll remember very quickly how short lived the high is and how long the down lasts.  It's easy to forget this when stressed... since during stress we are focused on a few specific things that stress us, and we fail to expand our minds and see the big picture, including how the stress leads to acting out and in turn distancing us from our malchut.  Good of you to catch it!

Definitely empathise with you on this stress really really gets to me to. I sometimes almost convince myself that I am entitled to look at porn just cos of the day I just had or cos of the fight I just had with my wife or for any other rediculous reason. This is clearly nonsense but it nonsense that the YH packages in a way that makes us forget that it doesnt actually work. For the first 6 months or so of falling into this addiction I was just confused - I used to ask myself why am I doing this I DONT GET ANYTHING OUT OF IT!!! And then I realised I had a serious problem.

One thing which I have been doing which has helped me a heck of a lot (and I have mentioned that I saw before here on this forum) is delaying tactics, promise yourself before you fall you must do one of a few things first - either learn Torah, speak the urge thru with someone, learn about the Holocaust what ever just delay and delay with something meaningful that plugs you back into Reality.

Music,
You're on top of your game!
Taking a walk outside (with or without the wife) is a great instant stress buster.
Shteig on! You're winning!
Alex

Hello musicman,

I understand exactly what you mean and have gone down that road myself. It helps alot to pick up the phone and call a friend, and just schmooze. Wether you talk about what stresses u out or just to catch up. I myself am having a hard time today. Hatzlachah!

Hey Musicman,

On thing that helps me is the thought of how acting out will only increase my levels of stress after I've wasted time and energy making myself feel good for a few hours max. Then reality and consequences then come and hit me with a vengeance.

I figure there's no point in being stressed. I'll just relax and try and do the best I can in the circumstances. Guard tells me everything is 'prerecorded and predestined' anyway so as long as we try our best, then there's nothing to fear. Take a few breaks in between work and then just dive back in for another session. Oh and music really does help musicman lol!

Have a good weekend and good luck,

DL   

It's times like RIGHT NOW that I feel the worst, and most vulnerable. It's almost midnight, I've been working on some code for grad school (YAY, Databases!)) for almost 5 hours, not counting the hours I actually went to work today. I'm not getting as much done as I need to, I'm tired, I'm going on 3 hours of sleep, and I just need some pleasure. Italics for emphasis; that's where my mind is going.

I'm about to go distract myself with other enjoyable things, but being this emotionally tired is a horrible state to be in if you want to stand a chance against YH. You're so vulnerable to subtle urges and wants; Anything to get you out of doing whatever it is you need to be doing.

Sigh.

Nobody said this was going to be easy, right?

My current Tefillah: H', I don't want to act out. I know deep down how bad it is, and how happy I've been since I've been clean (16 days). You've given me this test of stress and fatigue, and it's a rough one. I can't do this on my own, and I completely understand that without divine assistance I'm a sitting duck. I'm on this holy forum, trying my best to distract myself, to fight off the YH, and I'd like to think that you could meet me halfway on this one, like you promised you would.

Some chizuk would go a long way right now.

musicman wrote on 03 Jun 2011 04:24:


I've been where you are - often.  There are a whole lot of unhealthy indications, not least of which your sleeping patterns.  If I said that "a Harvard study showed that people who went to bed before 11pm and got at least 7 hours of sleep have an 85% less chance to engage in unhealthy lust behavior", I would be lying through my teeth.  But most people would accept that, because it sort of makes sense.

Of course, an indication is not a cause.  But it is still a symptom, and a contributing factor.

Something I have learned to do is...  Go to sleep.  I don't know if you're at the stage to do this, though.  Coming here to post is a great alternative (not to much-needed sleep!) though.




Great realization   I still procrastinate, and can get compulsive about other things, and it is how I know I am still at the beginning of my recovery.




Such long Tefilos in here!

Mine are simpler:
Hashem, you are the master and provider of all in the world and beyond, I need you to help me.   Please give me x because I cannot do it/get it  without you. (Edit: I lied - I removed the bits I added for the look of it.  I like to think that I imply those other bits.)

When he provides, I just say "Thank you, Hashem".

It has sometimes made me look like a fool (to people on the street, whose opinions I really don't care about), but I have been doing it for years.

Further edit:

Here is something interesting - I have no source (that tefillah is admission and humility, and requesting from Hashem is well-documented in many places), because it is my own thought (the linguistic aspects).  Therefore, it should be taken with a pinch of salt, since I am no lamdan, and I will gratefully accept any criticism.

There is, in language, a difference between the subject and object of a sentence.  I do to you.  You do to me.  The difference between "I" and "me" is (broadly) whether the action is done by me or to me.

In the Amidah, we address Hashem a lot.  For the most part, He is doing.  We are not talking to him, as much as we are requesting from him.  When we mention ourselves (we, us), it's interesting to note the we are "doing" only in the following instances:
We have sinned - humbling and admitting
We have put our trust in you - an admission of faith and acceptance
We wait for you to save us - action is still on Hashem!
Modim anachnu lach - No translation can do this justice, but: we give thanks - an admission of humility and powerlessness

When we say "I want" - it has that unmitigated "I" in it.  It is an expression from the person davening.  Why does Hashem need us to want at him?  "Want" is an expression of our will, not Hashem's, and our will is precisely what we are negating in the Amidah, which is all about requesting Hashem's will.  How can this be reconciled?

If we ask Hashem to help us out, let's do it all the way, not ask him to "meet us halfway".  He never promised to do that.  He promises, though, that if you really and truly ask Him because you accept that you are nothing without Him, He will give you exactly what you need.

Halevay should we all reach that level!

First,

I'm OK. Whatever I was doing, it worked.

Second,

Interesting thoughts on Tefillah. It actually fits with what I tend to believe about prayer in general. It is not Bakasha in the sense that we are asking for things straight up; I always feel childish doing that, because H' already knows what I want. Verbalizing it doesn't change that for me (for others, it does). I typically take the modim approach to tefillah, that it's a submission and acceptance of certain realities. For the most part, the amidah is a series of statements saying that "You are the one who provides us with xyz." There is some lashon of bakasha, but ultimately, each bracha is an acceptance of some attribute of H'. He is Magen Avraham, Mechaye Maisim, Chonen Hadaas, etc.

I guess that's why my tefillah was written the way it was (not on purpose, mind you; I just realized this). Ultimately, I don't need to ask H' anything. He's aware that I have a nisayon, and that I need help. What the tefillah does is confirm to myself that H' will meet me halfway, and that's all I can do. To clarify, I don't mean that we have to do half the work. I just mean it as a general expression that as long as I'm sincere and trying, I'll have divine assistance.

That's also why we have to verbalize tefillah. Of course H' knows our thoughts. We have to verbalize it because that imprints the message on our own selves, which is ultimately the whole reason why we're daavening in the first place.