musicman wrote on 03 Jun 2011 04:24:
It's times like RIGHT NOW that I feel the worst, and most vulnerable. It's almost midnight, I've been working on some code for grad school (YAY, Databases!)) for almost 5 hours, not counting the hours I actually went to work today. I'm not getting as much done as I need to, I'm tired, I'm going on 3 hours of sleep, and I just need some pleasure. Italics for emphasis; that's where my mind is going.
I've been where you are - often. There are a whole lot of unhealthy indications, not least of which your sleeping patterns. If I said that
"a Harvard study showed that people who went to bed before 11pm and got at least 7 hours of sleep have an 85% less chance to engage in unhealthy lust behavior", I would be lying through my teeth. But most people would accept that, because it sort of makes sense.
Of course, an indication is not a cause. But it is still a symptom, and a contributing factor.
Something I have learned to do is... Go to sleep. I don't know if you're at the stage to do this, though. Coming here to post is a great alternative (not to much-needed sleep!) though.
I'm about to go distract myself with other enjoyable things, but being this emotionally tired is a horrible state to be in if you want to stand a chance against YH. You're so vulnerable to subtle urges and wants; Anything to get you out of doing whatever it is you need to be doing.
Great realization
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
I still procrastinate, and can get compulsive about other things, and it is how I know I am still at the beginning of my recovery.
My current Tefillah: H', I don't want to act out. I know deep down how bad it is, and how happy I've been since I've been clean (16 days). You've given me this test of stress and fatigue, and it's a rough one. I can't do this on my own, and I completely understand that without divine assistance I'm a sitting duck. I'm on this holy forum, trying my best to distract myself, to fight off the YH, and I'd like to think that you could meet me halfway on this one, like you promised you would.
Such long
Tefilos in here!
Mine are simpler:
Hashem, you are the master and provider of all in the world and beyond, I need you to help me. Please give me x because I cannot do it/get it without you. (
Edit: I lied - I removed the bits I added for the look of it. I like to think that I imply those other bits.)
When he provides, I just say
"Thank you, Hashem".
It has sometimes made me look like a fool (to people on the street, whose opinions I really don't care about), but I have been doing it for years.
Further edit: Here is something interesting - I have no source (that
tefillah is admission and humility, and requesting from Hashem is well-documented in many places), because it is my own thought (the linguistic aspects). Therefore, it should be taken with a pinch of salt, since I am no
lamdan, and I will gratefully accept any criticism.
There is, in language, a difference between the subject and object of a sentence. I do to you. You do to me. The difference between "I" and "me" is (broadly) whether the action is done
by me or
to me.
In the
Amidah, we address Hashem a lot. For the most part, He is doing. We are not talking
to him, as much as we are requesting
from him. When we mention ourselves (we, us), it's interesting to note the we are "doing" only in the following instances:
We have sinned - humbling and admitting
We have put our trust in you - an admission of faith and acceptance
We wait for you to save us - action is still on Hashem!
Modim anachnu lach - No translation can do this justice, but: we give thanks - an admission of humility and powerlessness
When we say "I want" - it has that unmitigated "I" in it. It is an expression
from the person
davening. Why does Hashem need us to want
at him? "Want" is an expression of
our will, not Hashem's, and our will is precisely what we are negating in the
Amidah, which is all about requesting Hashem's will. How can this be reconciled?
If we ask Hashem to help us out, let's do it all the way, not ask him to "meet us halfway". He never promised to do that. He promises, though, that if you really and truly
ask Him because you accept that you are nothing without Him, He will give you exactly what you need.
Halevay should we all reach that level!