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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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. 04 Aug 2009 19:34 #10720

  • MaalinBKodesh
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Last Edit: 17 May 2010 03:45 by .

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 20:20 #10736

  • Noorah BAmram
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Warmest Shalom Aliecem and most heartfelt virtual hugs to you my newest yedid nefesh,


I also struggle with being b'simcha, because I get so sad when I think of my severe aveiros, that I committed a harog v'al yaavor


it is an emergency that you discuss this with a spiritual mentor!

in my very humble opinion since you didnt grow up in a frum house you care categorized as "תינוק שנשבה" lit. a child who grew up captive amconst the gentiles which the rambam paskens has the halachic classification as an אונס/forced against their will and thus not responsible for the aveirah>. or as those of us who studied in the yeshivos will say "the action is unrelated to the doer of the action"  

in any event your sadness is a million miles of base. if i was a big chasidic rebbe i will guarantee you this and take those "aveiros" on my cheshbon :D :D

im moved to tears by your sincerity>>>>>>> and most importantly remember GYE is one way,  once you enter we wont let you leave  ;D ;D


What I now struggle with are relatives, like aunts and first cousins. My aunt (my mom's sister) is like my own second mother. I can't imagine telling her I can no longer greet her with a hug. She'd be so sad and surely not have a favorable reaction towards true Torah Judaism. Same with my female cousins....



it is an emergency that you discuss this with a spiritual mentor!


but as a general rule, King Solomon said it best "when Hashem favors the ways of man even his enemies will make peace with him" not G-d forbid that your aunt and mom are enemies, it means all opposition will dissipate when we sincerely do the right thing.

with fiery love to such a noble soul
Noorah


[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b] 
A Tzadik is he who continues to  bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita
Last Edit: 04 Aug 2009 21:46 by iwant2bepure.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 20:38 #10747

  • Kedusha
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I agree with Noorah - there is no reason for you to be sad.  In this area, you were like a Tinok Shenishba.

Just to give you some perspective: for the future, you should keep in mind the Yehareig v'Al Yaavor nature of these aveiros.  But, as for the past, what you did was an Issur Lav, for which Teshuva and Yom Kippur are Mechapeir, even if done intentionally.  Kal vachomer in your case, where you were not aware of the severity of the Aveira, which means you were a Shogeig.  Finally, some Rishonim disagree that these Aveiros are Yehareig v'Al Yaavor.  The Ramban, for example, holds that they are Asur Midrabbanan.  Regarding the past, you can "rely" on the Ramban and those who agree with him.  But for the future, you are required to follow the Halacha Psukah, which you are now aware of.  

Bottom line: Do Teshuva and move on.  If you do so, you will receive complete atonement on Yom Kippur.

As for the future, you need to draw a line that you will not cross.  For some that means no physical contact at all.  Others are lenient regarding shaking hands, if the woman sticks out her hand first, in order not to embarrass her.  See Rav Yehudah Henkin's article at hakirah.org/Volume%204.htm.  But that is the extent of the Machlokes - no one permits hugging, kissing, or holding hands.  So, draw your line in the sand and don't cross it.

You may want to share this article with some of your relatives who are unaware of this issue.  It appears to be far more comprehensive than most Wikipedia articles relating to Halacha, and will be less threatening than if you were to send them a copy of the relevant Siman in Kitzur Shulchan Aruch.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negiah

P.S. Keep in mind who the Chafetz Chaim was addressing.  He wasn't speaking to those who are careful with these Issurim - that would be like telling the Steipler Gaon to avoid Bitul Torah.  Rather, he was speaking to you - and to those like you - who are/were unaware of these Issurim.  And you listened to him!  Maalin, the Chofetz Chaim would be proud of you for taking his words to heart.  I have no doubt that the Ribbono Shel Olam is proud of you as well.  For what it's worth, we all are too! 

Finally, by all means, follow Noorah's and Bardichev's advice, and seek guidance from a Rav.  




Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 04 Aug 2009 20:54 by ralph.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 20:45 #10748

  • bardichev
tzaddik you NEED to TALK to someone.

I am a bit of a REBBE but you need someone who can guide you if you PM me and tell me you geographical location I can try to help you.

I am in NY area but I know alot of good people!

bardichev
Last Edit: by ozreni001.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 20:49 #10749

  • Uri
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rabbeinu maalin,
first of all,welcome

it is written that when a person does sincere teshuva his aveiros become zchusim.
So what comes out is that being that these aveiros are so chamur,you now have tremendous tremendous zechuyos.i could dance when i think of all my zechuyos!A Mount Everest of zchuyos!!Unfathomable!!!!!
my brother,if we only understood how much Hashem loves us and our former aveiros we would not trade in our "sins" for anything in the world!!i hope to see more from you-Uri
Last Edit: by ralph.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 20:56 #10750

  • Kedusha
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Uri (JA) wrote on 04 Aug 2009 20:49:

rabbeinu maalin,
first of all,welcome

it is written that when a person does sincere teshuva his aveiros become zchusim.



That's for Teshuva MeAhavah.
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: by roo.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 20:57 #10751

  • Tomim2B
-- deleted --
Last Edit: 09 Jan 2010 23:01 by .

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 20:59 #10753

  • Uri
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Kedusha:and you think his teshuva was done from anything less than meahava??This yid clearly loves Hashem
Tomim:whats the difference??
Last Edit: by .

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 21:08 #10757

  • Kedusha
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Uri,

I was just clarifying that it takes a high level of Teshuva to turn the Aveiros into Zechuyos.  But, I have no doubt that Maalin and the rest of us can achieve this level of Teshuva, if not right away, then eventually.
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: by theFight.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 21:31 #10767

  • Kedusha
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MaalinBKodesh wrote on 04 Aug 2009 21:27:

Kedusha wrote on 04 Aug 2009 20:38:


P.S. Keep in mind who the Chafetz Chaim was addressing.  He wasn't speaking to those who are careful with these Issurim - that would be like telling the Steipler Gaon to avoid Bitul Torah.  Rather, he was speaking to you - and to those like you - who are/were unaware of these Issurim.  And you listened to him!  Maalin, the Chofetz Chaim would be proud of you for taking his words to heart.  I have no doubt that the Ribbono Shel Olam is proud of you as well.  For what it's worth, we all are too! 



I loved what you said about the Chofetz Chaim writing this for me (I really feel that way about this sefer Nidchei Yisrael in particular!) and for being proud.

And thank you all for being proud as well! 


You deserve our pride.

Regarding the Shogeig issue, even if you knew it was forbidden, but were unaware of the severity of the Aveira, that is still considered a Shogeig (I don't have the source handy, but that is the Halacha.  Below, I explain the concept from a logical perspective).

It's like if I tell you that if you jaywalk, you risk being fined $10.  You may decide that, for $10, you'll take your chances.  Then you get arrested, and are told that you face 20 years in prison AND a $10,000 fine.  You argue that you were told you only faced a $10 fine.  The response: "Aha, you admit that you knew that it was forbidden, yet you did it anyway!"

Aveiros that are more severe and/or that involve serious temptation carry worse punishments, in order to deter us.  If you were unaware of the severity of the punishment, then you lacked the deterrent that the Torah felt was necessary.  That makes you a Shogeig.
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: by dbench.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 21:35 #10770

  • MaalinBKodesh
Great jaywalking mashal! That's very clear!
Last Edit: by .

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 21:59 #10781

  • the.guard
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Dear Maalin, holy Tzadik, welcome to GYE. I am the admin of this forum. I think you would find this page very useful.

And this page as well.

What a beautiful and pure soul... Please stick with us and keep inspiring us!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by somon81.

Re: The Chofetz Chaim saved me from the depths of sin 04 Aug 2009 22:20 #10789

  • Noorah BAmram
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Regarding the Shogeig issue, even if you knew it was forbidden, but were unaware of the severity of the Aveira, that is still considered a Shogeig (I don't have the source handy, but that is the Halacha.  ).

See sefer Chofets Chaim הלכות לה''ר כלל ד' סעיף ט where the CC paskens that we are obligated to judge someone favorably, even if it was an aveirah that is well known to all, but maybe the transgressor didn't know the severity of the sin, in that case he is considered a shogeg and we are obligated מדאורייתא to judge him favorably as a shogeg

in any event i remain a bardichiver chosid and hereby render judgment that you holy tzadik maalin were an אונס. Period.

and at the same time have a din of a baal tshuva מאהבה

to me this as plain as day!!  :D :D :D

with tremendous respect for a Chofets Chaim Jew

noorah
[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b] 
A Tzadik is he who continues to  bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita
Last Edit: 05 Aug 2009 18:26 by .
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