I caught myself thinking last night that maybe I don't have to stop cold turkey; maybe I can just cut back. I mean, I'm able to go 9 days, maybe I can give in every nine days. Can't be that bad, right? I was also being reminded of just how good it felt (physically) in the moment when embroiled in taavah. It was a powerful attack, and completely out of nowhere. It was almost crippling. The lack of warning and triggers for these thoughts is hard to deal with. It literally comes out of nowhere.
i was comforted this time by the horror stories section of the site. Specifically, the stories of spouses of addicts. Those get to me in a way that a first-hand account don't. The first-hand accounts are great when you're feeling down and you need to be reminded that you're not alone in your struggle and that there are plenty of others who managed to get through the fight. The spouse stories are great when you need a shock to the system; when you need to know how bad it is to do what you're thinking about doing. When I read stories of people that did this to themselves, ultimately, it is their own problem to deal with, and while I'm comforted, I'm not horrified. I understand what addiction is, and I know what causes people to inflict counterintuitive pain on themselves. When I read a story about an innocent bystander who is losing all hope, is losing their family, their husband, and there's nothing they can do about it other than threaten divorce, that's just heart-wrenching. It's definitely gotten me out of some rough patches.
I only wish we could have more than the few stories published on the main site (maybe some posts from the addicts' spouse forum?)
