About 6 weeks doing well, then suddenly it became a really difficult week for me. I have had 'problems' when sleeping, and I have felt bad about it, although this morning I said tikun clali. But tonight the y'h got me. It persuaded me to take steps back into my old ways, browsing online etc. I felt the desire coming on, and I ignored the trigger. This is really bad b/c I have been dating someone, which is the y'h way in to thrown me down to the ground, like excuses of being lonely or confused etc. Normally shmirat eynayim has been so strong, suddenly over the past couple of days its not been good. Right now I can't even contemplate what I have done, although as I was sinning I was thinking about my achievements, values, and goals. yet I continued. I feel bitter that I have taken these steps back, when I could have been strong enough to resist temptation. damn. this is so bad, b/c I needed these days to really re-focus on my goals and priorities, in order to keep moving forward. its so hard once 'lust' comes over a person, how to deal and respond, and not just give in. major regret and frustration. just when things were going well, but its also 'fear of the unknown' and life's challenges that has caused the trigger. I don't like saying 'the y'h persuaded me', it feels like an excuse. the y'h is a part of all of us, and right now its a weakness and the goal is for our reason and drive to transform it into our strength.
