..out of my current slippery slips...

I just wanted to work out an issue which seems to be driving me into some RID (Restlessness, Irritability, and Discontent) It's the burden that I have at work and the responsibility to spend the hours necessary to earn some money (I get paid by the hour). Instead of just speaking this out with the first thing that comes to my mind, I'd like to use the 4th step model and hopefully be able to change my perspective and move forward.

[pausing for Tefilah, asking Hashem for help in sorting this out and in being presented with the solutions and perspectives to emerge from thsi]

I have been acting selfish by putting my pleasure before the needs of my family and of my company. Somehow I got it in my head that I should seek the most comfortable feelings and to run away from uncomfortable feelings. I think that's at the root of my "laziness" which is most often attributed to fear - I'm afraid to enter the uncharted waters of discomfort. Everything has to fit with "my plan".

Looking with Selfless eyes I would go forward by putting my family and company first. My family relies on the money I earn to make ends meet. If I fall short that puts the burden on my wife and makes her nervous. I certainly don't want to go down that course! My company relies on my work to move forward with their goals, goals that are to the benefit of so many others. My actions can effect not only my family, but the lives of the thousands who benefit from the services we offer.

I've seen this matter with a dishonest perspective. I'm ignoring the hard facts in front of me - that my work is precious to my family and my boss, and especially to Hashem Himself who has so graciously mapped out this plan for me and has put me in the position to help so many.

Look though your honest glasses and stop kidding yourself that cruising along, doing only what's comfortable or that you have no choice but to do, is the wisest path. It's not -- being brutally honest - I know its unwise and against Hashem's calling for me.

Self-Seeking is how I've mapped out my own plan. That has been priority. See things in light of generosity. You can give so much to so many people in your inner circle and way beyond. Take advantage of that.

Exhibit Humility. I've been asked to work on the projects I've been assigned to and it's my ego "I have a better plan.." that's holding me back. Move forward with Ratzon Hashem - how amazing it is to be working on orders from the King of Kings. I'd be filled with pride if my Rav asked my to get him a Sefer. The Creator of Shamayim Varetz has asked me, and only me, to serve on a special mission. True - He asked others to serve on other missions, but asked only me to serve on my mission. He can find no other person, Kavayachol, to accomplish the job I've been assigned to. It's almost not even an issue of humility now, but a source of great pride!

I've shown a need to control my environment, not letting go of my hopes to cuddle up with another comfort, but it's time to let go and Let G-d help me forward on my mission.

Have I been scared of loss? Yes - loss of my comforts. These comforts are honestly not even comfortable. Do I want to sleep on a mattress that's comfortable at the beginning of the night, but always make my toss and turn throughout the night? I really want the firm mattress that's perhaps not so squishy and cuddly, but I know will promise me a good night sleep, good for my back and best suited for a restful peace. That's Serenity - I know the goods that are in store for sitting with the proper posture, for living with a keen awareness of what I really value.

Finally, my previous lenses have been those of inconsiderateness, inconsiderate to all those that are effected by my stangnancy - my coworkers, my boss, those thousands who benefit from my services, my family, of course - but ultimately consider Hashem who loves me so much and has given me such a wonderful life on  a silver, nah - golden!, platter. He has served it to me now I want to be of service to him. The little tasks before me, and the big unknown projects that await me, I have been completely equipt for. I may not see how things will pan out, but I don't need to. Hashem is taking me there and He knows what He's doing. If He wants me to do this He'll help me exactly when I need it. I'm looking forward to walking together with you Hashem! Let's get to work!

Comments welcome

I'd love to offer a helpful comment, but it seems you've got this all worked out and under control.  Maybe just don't get caught up too much in analysis paralysis.  Be the giver you want to be.