hi all im am writing this journal for myself i have been on this site before under a different name so i know the rules and the e.mails etc, i need a journal so exprhatess my thoughts and i think that this little place will have to make do at the mo.

i have been through alot of diff kinds of self help did 90 days but am in a rut at the mo acting out nightly and feeling awfull. will try to post daily hopefully it will help me make progress

keep up mayon
let your water flow

hi today is day two in my journal hiistory i am still not used to the idea, but i know that writing this journal will help ger alot of the frustration out and will help me get the innermost feelings outta the closet, i am having a rough patvh my zman hasnt really started as i work with kids that need special ed and their yeshiva starts later, buissness is slow too. so bored...... and we all know where that leads to,

i have to learn to speed type it takes me to long so i get frustrated and dont do it, ok nuff fpr now, might post later

Keep up the good work.  Does day two in the journal mean two days clean?

I'm on day three. 

NO NO i am 1 day clean i am not at the 90 day thing at the moment its day by day i try to tell myself once during the day that no matter what i will not fall throug, the truth i feel so helpless that why fight, i cant fight its worse then food addiction because i carry my junkie paraphernalia wherever i go,

so whats the way out, im waiting for the way out and white knuckling, dnt get me wrong i have tried sa and other stuff just havent found my way

ok just had a nice day, actually the last couple of days have been kinda ok.

two days ago i was on the verge of acting out i had the battle of yes no, i said a tefillah to hashem and made a deal that he helps me in parnosah which is on a quiet mode at the mo, i know the flaw of doing this, so i told ribbonei shel oilam that this is a tefillah and even if things dont pick up i will still not regret it or act out, bh i did see two thing that i was stuck in went through so that gave me strength to go on,

i had a nocturnal emission, the truth is when i do have them i get quite relieved that the pressure that i have is over, it isnt really but i dunno, i guess i think tahht a part of this struggle is physical relief, this must be a sub-conscious belief because i dnt  really believe so.

I used to buy in to the physical relief thing.  Then I learned (here) "Man has a small eyver. Feed it and it is hungry. Starve it and it is satisfied."  This is counterintuitive, especially for us addicts.  But it's Torah.  And not that the Torah needs my haskama, but I have experienced the truth of this myself.

If I may ask, what does your acting out involve (other than masturbation)?

hi thanks for all that post their replies here i know im supposed to be posting daily but ya all know how it goes.
my acting out usually consists of web p***, iv never taken it further bh, but its far enough, having a rough day just kinda fed up and not seeing any outcome on alot of stuff that i started.
thats how it gets

One day at a time is my motto for sure -- sounds like we agree on that one!

I like using GYE and a personal, handwritten journal to get outside my own head. And GYE is great for connecting with other addicts who recognize the feelings I feel and don't judge, just guide and support. I'm here for you Mayon!

MANAGED TO PUSH IT OFF A DAY BUT FELL YESTERDAY with a gusto, but the intresting thing was i kinda didnt enjoy it even be'shas mayseh, and i had help from hashem too that helped me push it off till last night. will post tom

Delaying is a great step! Abandon yourself to Hashem and His will becomes yours. Progress toward victory!

thanx.

today i feel with a gusto stupidly and awfully, im depressed outta my wits, i spoke to my rebbi today about it, it was the second time that i spoke to him about it,

Talking to another person honestly is a huge step. Sometimes it's exactly what I need to help me face my own feelings honestly, and to share honestly with Hashem. That sharing with Hashem helps me recognize that He's in charge, and that my task here is to serve Him best by trying to understand His will.

It's great that you can open up to a rebbe! Maybe try setting a standing meeting with him once a week, just to do a check in?

Please don't let a fall depress you.  Depression is a major tool of the Y"H to get us to sin.  How to get avoid depression? Simple. Count your blessings.

Feeling emotional after a fall?  Turn it into anger AGAINST THE Y"H, preferably with a commitment to a new geder that will protect you in the future.  The future comes fast.

Shteig on!
Alex