Hi everyone,

First with the very sober thoughts.

I am early thirties. I decided to reflect on the last 10 years of my life to just before I got married. I was a very serious yeshiva bochur, never used the internet, shtieging day in day out, doing bechinos in yeshiva and a very good bochur all round.
When I got married I had the highest Sheifos possible, i dreamt of living on a high spiritual plane together with my wife, raising children with holiness, working for klal Yisroel all my life, etc etc. An ideal existence.

As anyone knows who is married, shtieging as a bochur and shtieging when married is a totally different avodah. Gradually things went down hill and the very sobering thought is I have not shtieged anything in my ruchniyos over the past 10 years, I believe I am a lot worse, yes I am more mature, raising my children well. Trying to be a good husband when possible (don't laugh for those who read my last post) etc etc. But my closeness to Hashem, my Kedusha in my life, earnign my Olam Habo!! Where has it all gone, what am I, a nothing! Someone who many times can't control himself in the simplest of tests and of course the harder ones.

Now for the even more sobering thought.

If I continue this way and don't make any meaningful changes, in 10 years time when I am 42 years old and BEH walking down to the Chupa with my oldest child (I have tears in my eyes over how sad this is) I will be the same batlan and coarse individual who still looks at shmutz on the internet, watches silly TV shows, has little control what he looks at..... learns an hour a day and very little over shabbos..... living a lie (as someone aptly told me a few weeks ago) How sad is this, your daughter holding your arm as you walk to the chupa, your wife looking at you adoringly, your parents being so proud of their son.... but what have I done in the last 20 years of my life... nothing (or very little) how have I made myself a better person in the last 20 years, I am the same person or worse than I was when I was a young man of 22, 20 years of my life down the drain in regards to my ruchniyos.

But I do not want to wait till I walk my daughter down the chuppa, imagine the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment ( I am turning colours when I am writing this). i want the next 10 years of my life to be growing day by day month by month and year by year. I have to change, for the sake of who I am and what I want to be, for the sake of my darling wife who thinks the world of me and puts the hopes of our family on my shoulders. For the sake of my children that they can be truly proud of their father when he leads them to the chuppa. And of course for Hashem who has showered me with brochas from the day i have been married till today and I have done nothing in return.

I have not got a plan worked out yet, but I will, I promise the above scenario is not going to happen.

So far what is working.

I had a spare computer in the home that was not officially working etc etc. It was causing me major problems.
No excuses any more. Put on a filter, got my wife to put a password on and that is that. No more unfiltered internet that was accessible. Sounds simple but took me ages to actually do it.

The first thing I noticed that made me feel how much I am missing by not having ruchniyos in my life was by being around good and great people. I was in a town for Yom tov full to the brim of chosuv emmesdike people, I felt so much lacking, it rubbed off on me, I want to join a weekly vaad given by one of these people that made an impression on me dedicated to shtieging. There is one on the phone and I will BEH listen to it every monday. I am also joining a shiur after davening on shabbos morning and davening in one location more, rather than davening in the latest minyan. I feel this will help me feel more closer to the community and therefore part of the klal.

The second thing I have done is every morning in shacharis, talking very honestly to Hashem.
This is what I say. Ribono Shel Olam I promise you today till 3am tomorrow morning I will not look or watch anything on the internet that my wife would find highly inappropriate. In this zechus please Hashem make my day successful, help my business go well and help me to become a better person.

Such a simple tefillo, yet it has worked now for 2 weeks. The main reason why this works, is because it is a personal agreement between you and Hashem. If so how can I break such an agreement with the almighty. yes I can break an agreement with a partner or my wife quite easily, but Hashem! the one who is completely in control of your day. So far BH I can't bring myself to do it.

BEH I will keep up the above and think of new idea for my 10 year plan.  Any comments or suggestions I would love to hear them.

The sobering thoughts are contagious!

Do you mind if I join you in growing during the next 10 years?





(Maybe we can be Mechutanim someday.........)

Maybe we can have a 10 year plan group. I have seen many people mention the 12 steps is not for them, me included.

What about setting up a weekly goal to work on, something very small but meaningful. I am sure it will not be to everyone's taste every week but over the year imagine what one could achieve.

???

okay pal.
so what is today's or this week's goal or plan for you, what specific way are we growing now in self discipline and faith?

for me it's not answering back when my wife hurts my feelings, or trying not to look at nashim on the bus, doing 12 step program, reading the books, trying to stay till end of davening...

keep this thread rolling pal!

the more positive energy on this forum of growth, the better our collective growth will be

I admire your intentions, but I can see Dov cringing. See 10 years is a really long time to plan for, a more realistic goal is to make progress....today?

Funny thing is, I used to think that it wasn't realistic to make real progress in ruchnius.  When I was a bochur or Avreich and learned all day, that was one thing, but how can I grow when i work all day, and just have time to learn an hour or so? The best I can do is try to maintain the levels I had reached then, or not let myself fall too far.

And then I started working the steps (1 & 2)  working on the fact that I'm totally dependent on Hashem for everything. And I realized that before despite all my learning I didn't have a clue as what it means to have a relationship with Hashem.

Me3, yes steps 1-2 are work for a lifetime.

The sad part is i feel the opposite. I worked on it when i was in yeshiva for a long time and really felt a close relationship with hashem. I remember - a bomb exploded under my nose and i barely shook i felt like Hashem was holding my hand. And 12 years later - I keep on looking back and hoping to get back to a taste off it.

I am working Today to appreciate that i am alive today and not take it for granted.

heeuni,

try to do what me3 is doing-
steps one and tow
even if your'e not yet interested in 12 steps, maybe check out in the 12 and 12 the first two or three steps, its short reading
i read them today with a (mir) bochur and he really appreciated the idea that while he thought he was into God until now, it was really only emotionalism or only when convenient. it really brings emunah to life

me3, nice to see you captain

Tzadik- I did not mean it that way. I am trying to except step 1-2. I was saying it's not boom boom. It takes real work. "Simple but not easy" . 

I have gone through the 12 steps- but i am trying to leave it and appreciate it more then studding it as i found myself doing in the past.


Powerlessness is something i really want to feel and not just say it and move on. Thats why i am trying to be great-full that i am alive- and not take it for granted, what did i do to deserve it? Nothing! It's not me - it's all G-d!

There's nothing like an addiction to help you reach the feeling of powerlessness and total reliance on Hashem. To face something that despite ALL your attempts all your efforts, all your Kaballos you just can't beat.

That's powerlessness at it's best. But Hashem can save you, He can pull you through!

Maybe that's why B'makom Sh'baalei teshuva oimdin, ain tzadikim gemurim oimden... Because they understand this lesson so much better.

I had tears in my eyes when I read your 2nd commitment. 
Too bad my wife walked in on me.

I am not sure if you already have your "How to start" question answered, What workes form me is
Daven with manyan evrey single day,
Have a shiur 2 Hours a day,
Learn with a chavrisa that you cannot let down,
Learn mussar evrey shabbos for 4 hours.

You will not be able to reach this level right away, however have goals, work to fulfill them, and this will give you a Ruach CHadushu as Duvid hamelech is asking Vruach nochon, cahdesh B'kirbi.

Erlicher,
What did you mean by your wife walked in on you, did you have something to add to it?

Your Aspirations are way above me for the moment. I just about manage 10mins of Mussar on Shabbos while lying on the couch Friday night half asleep.

BACK TO MY 10 YEAR PLAN

Regarding the person who said a 10 year plan is too ambitious and I should try day by day. Absolutely not! The yetzer Hora wants us to try and think small. He wants us to try and work day by day without a larger goal in mind. This way we can have an up day a bad day and up day a bad day and not feel too bad about it, after all we have 50% up days. Come 10 years down the line you are still having 50% good and 50% bad days, where have you improved.

BIGGER PICTURE! I think that what I have been missing all these years. I can't be the same person in in 10 years time. Of course the battles are day in  day out but my goal is over the years to become a completely changed person to who I am today,
I am only a month into this but BH I am positive, my small inroads are working (especially my daily tefillo to Hashem and I am working on building my connections to yiddishkiet.

Commitment for this week
This week I am working on not watching any rubbish on the internet. I am not talking about porn, I am referring to silly game shows, singing competitions, talent shows, Eurovision etc etc. Just plain rubbish that has no part in a Jewish Home.
I need to teach myself that as a Yid who is looking to Shtieg, I have to stop wasting precious time that does nothing but fills me with nonsense, I have the power to stop! It is just laziness and excuses of relaxation that is causing me to watch these silly things.
If I do my bit on these smaller things, BEH Hashem will help me overcome the larger Issues.

Will post next week BEH, please join in and offer suggestions. For those of us not using the 12 steps. Let us grow together.

My aspiration are in line with the level I was as a Bucher,  and I tried to maintain myself throughout the years( which is laughable of course) The reason I wrote you that is because based on what you wrote in one of your post you where part of the cream of the Bucherim.

What I meant with the words "My wife walked in on me" I was with teary eyes, jut wanted to comment on the state of purity and sheer Yidiskeit you where when you wrote this statement which completely overtook me.

Whats I was also implying in how to start is to have goals, a goal to reach this level or that level.
Although in yidiskeit there is no levels, the ourity of heart and the emes you mean it between you and the rebono shel olom is what counts, learning torah and be immersed in his words is what gets us there.

By having a shiur in musser 4 hours, a psycological study ( a reason my yestzer would let me do it) will surely make a dent in your heart and ourify your intentions intesify what you already have and hold you down to a staright path.

Doing one shour in mussar will in turn open up you heart to learn more and have more goals in other sheurim and will shlep you further over to the torah side.

Again its to have goals, which will keep your mind busy, which will make you look for a chavrusa which will make you accountable, which will not let you slip and in ruchnius will even help you  Berusi Yetzer Hora Berusi Torah Tavlin K"negdo!

Thanks for letting me respond as I can see I can learn allot more form you then you can learn from me, however what works for me I wrote.