Shabbat was amazing, I created a new life for myself, learnt to dream again, felt happy and good about myself for the first time in ages. It was really inspiring. Motzei shabbat..I fell. hard. and now I'm trying to make sense of it.
How many times has it happened this way, that I climb to new heights, my mind becomes focused and clear, my heart sings and the world looks beautiful, only to lapse shortly after. How often do I need to awareness and signs of Hashem, and His personal love, to gain a sense of perspective and value for life, and only neglect the importance of holding up my hands.
I am ready to call Hashem's name, to pray, to cry, to do whatever it takes to overcome temptation, even the times when it doesn't even feel like pleasure, but addiction calls its name. A trigger of desire, a stupid idea, a moment with such strength and power it feels impossible to resist. maybe sometimes I do resist, after all, I tell myself I can surrender and 'let God' take over this temptation which is forbidden to us. sometimes I don't. It's too difficult I hear myself call, but I know that's not true; Hashem gave me this struggle so that I can realise my potential. It is a world full of lust, and desire, and if we can only start to resist we can become great. we can heal and the world will become a better place. except its everywhere, like a cancer. That is what we have, isn't it, a disease. It affects our minds, our relationships, and our souls become bitter.
Sometimes we are not even sensitive to the fantasies we recently had, to the 'she's cute' or other more graphic thoughts or images we think about. its pretty much a daily event, a personal mental pleasure. what is the big deal if we don't talk to strangers, or if they don't literally enter our lives? Except they do. we all know they do, perhaps that evening or a few days later. they are on our minds, even when we don't recognise it because we have so much going on with our busy lives. And then boom. shoot, how did that happen? oh my God! I just watched porn and acted out. damn.
Then the instant thoughts: it was an accident, I didn't mean it. these things happen. oh God, not again! (reality check) I thought I vowed to stop it, to change. guilt creeps in. thoughts about my priorities, my family and friends. I am so disgusting, so perverse. shoot, where do I go from here. Is God going punish me? Instantly or later in life? I feel sick.
These thoughts are all too common. I right them as I have experienced it so many times before, most recently a couple of night ago after an inspiring Shabbat. Since then, I have been down (although know I will get up again) although most concerning was today, when I could not focus or concentrate to the detriment of my business. It was a painful and difficult day for me psychologically, especially as before my lapse and sin I had created the goal to drive forward my priorities to start again with dating. It has knocked me big time, as I simply don't trust myself and struggling to keep enthusiastic about growing (as it so often follows up with a lapse).
I always 'know what I got to do'. Have tactics in place, say a prayer, don't browse images, only use internet when in the same room as your family, etc. Except in never really happens. not with me anyway. The addiction is still within me, and that is painful reality. It is a scary thought, especially when I remember that it is not an 'external problem', but the issue is me.
My real comfort, is that Hashem has 'blessed me' with the opportunity for rectify the holy covenant. He wants me to do teshuva, and I articulate this fact every day. I pray for mercy, patience and kindness, and for the acceptance of prayer.
