WeWillWalk wrote on 06 May 2011 07:58:


Easy does it, sir. Unlike cheap, temporary, and worthless things in life, this stuff takes time, sometimes a long time. But be"H, when it happens it always seems a surprise and actually earlier than we thought it would arrive. I'll try to describe it and you decide if it's worth it for you to try:

First off, the truth is (if you are a believing Jew) that you are a bit of a puppet already, no? What disgusts and frightens atheists the most of all is that there is this thing called "G-d's Will" at work in this life. That there really is a Power Greater than ourselves that guides the unfolding of history of the human race and of all the natural universe - and the unfolding of the lives of each individual, as well. That idea is nauseating to many. Some call themselves atheists (because they find it intolerable that they may not be the gods of their own lives), some call themselves agnostics (because they have some humility and realize that they may not really perceive all of reality and may be wrong about G-d not being real) and some even call themselves frum yidden (or stam, religious people, Jewish or not). Yup. Here's one way how that happens with me:

I found it impossible - not philosophically, but behaviorally - to accept that G-d knew how to take care of me right. I simply did not believe that He knew what is best for me and that He can and will do it for me. I felt very, very sure (though I'd never have admitted it to anybody normal) that if I did not take care of myself by masturbating and/or by looking at lots of porn, etc., things would obviously not be OK with me. The way I use my addiction, I am always desperate (and eventually practically breathless - you know what I mean) to find that perfect image, that perfect angle or view, and that perfect feeling in the act itself.

Every single time.

Know what I mean?

Why else did I do it so regularly for years and years even though I knew it was an aveiro to Hashem, to my wife and family, and to whoever else my behavior affected? Am I evil? Nope. Ask Rav Noach, zt"l - he'd tell you that none of us are really evil. Rather, we all do the best we can based on what we really believe is in our best interest at that moment. As he frequently used to say, that is why the main general word for 'sin' is Torah is: "Cheit". That means "to miss" or "to be lacking" - a mistake. Ultimately all cheit are mistakes we make, based on our many misunderstandings. And that is why Hashem's solution to cheit must be education  - that is, learning Torah.

But of course, an addict is a person who is way, way past the standard educational phase. There is nothing to argue about here. If one feels they must, no discussion is necessary - just keep trying the educational route and if it works, report back to us here on GYE and share your success! I am serious.

Of course, most of us are quite well-educated, particularly in the halachos and hashkafos of sex and in the issue of masturbation and in lo sasuru, etc. Yet here we are....

Rather, the education I need is physical - by behavior. The only behavior I have ever tried that worked for me is the steps - and i tried doing them alone and it did nothing. I finally did them in meetings and with a sponsor. Surrounded by others who were living it made it all make sense in a practical way. And changing ingrained behavior and thinking is ultimately all about practical work rather than a product of more philosophy and thinking (which has failed me miserably so far).

These behaviors are what I refer to as "getting out of Hashem's way". He wants to help me. But as the Kotzker said, He is only present where people let Him in. Our thinking and behaviors are the main division between us and Hashem - for in reality, He is right by us, in us and around us. We are seeing our own reality rather than His. It is the ego. The eitz haDa'as that is the human problem, and with addicts, hopelessly so.

We need special work. Behaviors that contradict the comfort zone of my natural will and ego. Like:

* Opening up (even uncomfortably) to other (safe) people about the exact nature of what I obsess about, of my history, and of my actual behaviors - on a daily, ongoing, and regular basis.

* Taking the real, often extreme measures (rather than things like yet more promises/nedarim and even more silly 'self-control' pep-talks) that are really going to help me stop for today.

* Quitting doing things for the payoff from Hashem and from people. This one is a huge avodah.

* Accepting what we cannot change in my life. It is certainly best for us, if we cannot change it. For it most definitely expresses His very best for us. (Just look in the Sha'ar haK'niyah of the Chovos haLevavos, where he describes what humility leads a person to feel like in this life. This is not a religious thing, per se, but an attitude based on the truth found in many places, including in out Torah. He describes the 3rd step of the Program perfectly, from a Jewish religious perspective. Then read the material in AA or SA literature to learn exactly how to fit this into recovery, if you want to.).

* And many, many other things I cannot think of - ad ein shiur. The steps guide me through that for they are only about learning honesty with myself and usefulness to others through practice. There is nothing else there. No hashkofah about Hashem or anything else is in doing the steps - just self-honesty and learning usefulness.

And the steps are not made to be studied and darshened. They are only made to be done. No need to waste time making yourself 'feel really good inside' by studying this stuff and being medayek in the Big Book like a RMB"M. It's not a sefer - it is just a beautiful guide written by drunks, for those who want to recover be"H.

It's pure ne'aseh v'nishma - not the other way around: We live ourselves into right thinking, rather than keep trying to think ourselves into right living...for a change.

These things take practice, patience and time. We never do it perfectly, but we progress. As long as we are growing along spiritual lines we will be attached to His Will and less to our own, and will be more useful and less screwed up and useless. We get a reprieve from our disease on a daily basis contingent on whether we are trying (very imperfectly) to let Him in.

Does that help, or not yet?

I fell again,two days in a row. Now I feel more depressed,again. When will this battle end?

Hey WWW,

We all fall at some point or another so please don't despair. The main thing is not to let a couple of falls degenerate into a vicious downwards spiral back into the addictive cycle.

This battle will never end in my opinion. The YH will always be there lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on you. All we can do is to try and use this struggle in the right way: to help us become stronger, better people by working as hard as we can and never losing hope.

KUTGW,

DL

WeWillWalk wrote on 10 May 2011 02:06:
Excuse me for interrupting the tzoress, but did you read my post back to you, and does what I wrote have any meaning to you?

It has a lot of meaning,but right now I am trying to get back up after another fight with my family. Our fights are a major source of depression for me.

I sympathize. Though I might add that some of those fights will probably stop once you are sober for six months or so.

Last couples of days have went well,B"H. I've been able to have a couple of deep insights,but I am wondering to you Dov,reading your post,I realise that it's easy to slip away in pure theory,but I wonder,what are some basic steps I can do in my everyday life,that are practical and not only theoretical?

Make real living, however you define that, the absolute most important priority in your life, instead of whatever you are used to doing. If you are an addict, you may not beable to do that w/o some recovery first.

Are you an addict?

In my post that starts with a quote from you below ("definitely your post") and then my words, "Easy does it, sir", lays out specific actions you can take if you believe that you are essentially a hopeless addict. If you believe you are not, then you are really going to have to ask somebody more normal than me. I am serious, not kidding nor facetious.

Hatzlocha!!