Hi All

Its been some time since I posted when I joined here. I have to say that I am having the cleanest time since I became frum and its a wonderful feeling. However, I have had three of those near death experiences where, somehow, I have found myself alone, without filter (we have different profiles and my profile is only a few white listed websites) and end up taking a peak. I found it so awful to follow this by going to bed next to my wife, who does know about my issue and has been fairly good apart from feeling now completly not good enough for me!

1) How do you get past this stage of doing well, but still looking for and tking every opportunity for a peak?

2) How can I restore the feeling of unonditional love that i know my wife felt from me before she knew about this?

I must say that I never thought I could go so long without and I will today post 32 days clean and the thought of starting again feels like death and therefore I feel like i have had near death expereinces and i'm so grateful to still be here on the chart and with you. But how long can I go if i'm always looking to grab that moment to take a look at things I shouldnt be looking at?!

I pray that in time, I will get better, I have found the book windows of the soul quite helpful.


Any comments, advice very welcome!

Jew wrote on 14 Apr 2011 06:41:


That's not called "doing well."  Recovery is a state of mind.

Welcome to the forum.  Keep on posting, keep us updated.

Good luck!

--Eye.

[quote="Eye.nonymous" link=topic=3831.msg104195#msg104195 date=1302764670]
Jew wrote on 14 Apr 2011 06:41:


I really dont understand this. please can you explain? I think I'm doing great, i've been clean for the longest in years becuse of the chart. You telling me thats all nonsense becuse i've slipped a few times?

What he meant was, if you are only not looking at porn because you don't have the opportunity but whenever you have access you try to look, you havent really improved yourself.

Not belittleing the importance of a filter. A filter is an important back up, but you need to work on youself.

The GYE chart distinguishes between slips and falls because we're only human.  However, the goal has to be to avoid slipping, with falling being completely out of the question.  After all, if you keep slipping, you will almost certainly fall.

OK,

These are really fair points. Thanks for clarifying.

I share this with you, and many times want to 'take just a little peek'. Problem is, fighting the little peek tooth and nail elevates it to a huge monster, gives it more power than it deserves. So I call a person who is safe and share with him exactly what I want to do right now and how I want to do it. That means that just 'posting' about it here (ten hours later) may not be nearly enough...

Shining the light on it reduces its power and is indispensible. But that is also not enough.

The main thing is that I actually believe in my heart were nobody sees, that looking at porn makes me so miserable that I simply cannot afford it, so I have no business looking at it, at all. It is not a "nisayon". There is no question of 'holiness', as far as I am concerned. It is just a question between stupidity and good sense.

There are a few hundred goyim (and Jews) who I know who are free of lust right now, one day at a time, and were probably sicker than you ever were. You can do this, too.

Let go of it rather than fight with it. 

Dov, thank you for this great advice.

it makes me so sad when it happens so I agree that its just nothing to do with me and thats a good way to stay away.

thank you

Eye. with M'forshim!  I guess that's a new medreiga.

It's certainly great not to be actually looking at p*rn and not to m*sturbate.

But, as long as we are still THINKING about it, it's only a matter of time before we give in and actually DO it again.

But, it's a safer place to be than actually acting out.  It's better to ask yourself WHAT AM I MISSING IN LIFE THAT I FEEL A VOID--THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT P*RN, than to ask WHAT AM I MISSING IN LIFE THAT I KEEP LOOKING AT P*RN AND M*STURBATING.

But, either way, there is something in life, often fears and resentments, that we are running away from, that we are trying to cover up the pain from, and the way we have learned to cover up our pain is by acting out.

So, ultimately, we need to identify the source of our pain and deal directly with THAT, rather than wrestle with ourselves about whether to look at p*rn or even whether to THINK about looking at P*RN.

And, if we can deal with that pain, get rid of some of it, then we won't be driven to cover it up so much; we'll AUTOMATICALLY look at P*RN less, and even think about looking at P*RN less.

And, as far as I understand it, is what we ultimately should be striving for in recovery.  Frankly, I think it's the only way to go about it and to have lasting success.

--Eye.

I have been reading posts on this site everyday and it has given me tremendous chizuk and I am now 53 days clean and about 30 days without a slip thanks to those who clarified why I needed to be more cautious about slips.

I actually cant belive how far I have come. I feel a little more confident to begin posting on other posts although there are so many here who have far more expertise on this than I.

Don't worry about it, there are a lot of guys here who post without having a clue as to what they are talking about.

Me3 wrote on 03 May 2011 19:07:


That doesnt make me feel any better about posting! Think i'll continue as a bystander.

Jew wrote on 03 May 2011 18:38:


Dear Jew!

If it's working, then why mess with it? Keep doing whatever you are doing (and whatever you are not doing) and thanks for posting the chizzuk that you are having hatzlocha b"H. It makes all us feel great to know that there are people 'out there' who are actually benefiting from what is going on here. We forget that so easily.

Alei v'hatzlach!!

Eye.nonymous wrote on 15 Apr 2011 06:19:


Eye.

I agree with you.  But I have a hard time convincing myself that I've correctly identified my resentments and sources of pain or that I'm dealing with them properly.  Obviously if I became a Tzaddik overnight, that would be a good indication.  But so far that hasn't happened.  So how do you go about the task of self discovery in a concrete, practical way?

The only way I have witnessed it to work is very simple:

By telling other (safe) people all the details of your garbage. And doing that over and over until you are freed of the weight of it, freed from the silly thoughts that led you to it, and then keep sharing it.
I do not know what you are doinjg, if you are doing meetings, a shrink, or groups or whatever, OK, but since you are asking, I'll share that self-honesty is not at all possible when we do it by ourselves. It does not even begin to get off the ground.

Aaron4, sorry if you directed that at Reb Eye (love that eyeball!), not me...