Hey guys,
I turned 30 the other day and I'm still not married. While that gets me down as it is, it also plays into this issue. Every 30 year old has urges, and ideally I would be married and have a place to channel those urges. Now I don't though. Last night, I was struggling not to go online and look at things, but was also telling myself that I'm 30 and it's not fair that I don't have a healthy place to channel my urges and that it wouldn't be so bad if I went online and looked at the bad stuff. Almost like I'm entitled. B"H I didn't do it, but I'm still struggling this morning, and I know that tonight it's going to be even harder. What do you say?
Thanks a lot.

Dear BH,

I hope your situation will, b'Ezras Hashem, change for the better b'Karov!

In the meantime, you may want to consider the following.  Before we get married, most Bochurim assume that married men have a Kosher sexual outlet whenever they want.  However, we need to qualify that - only when their wives are permissible, so we're down to about 2 weeks out of 4.  It is true that, during pregnancy, a woman is (generally) permissible for 9 months straight.  However, after she gives birth, a wife is generally forbidden for around 6 weeks.  Wives are also not always in the mood for sex (especially when they're busy cleaning for Pesach).  Both sides need to compromise in such cases, which, for the man, will sometimes mean no sex that night.

So try to stop thinking in terms of "If only I were married, I would have a Kosher outlet right now!"  You might find it helpful to, instead, think - "OK, it certainly would help to be married.  But, even if I were married right now, I might well have to exercise self-restraint anyway."

Hatzlacha!

BTW, a wife isn't a p*rn outlet b'geder halacha.

--Eye.

Well, it's Ossur to look at porn whether you're married or not, if that's what you mean.  BH was not suggesting otherwise.

Hi BH

Being married is not like that. I do not lust after my wife - lust is very shallow and the connection between man and wife is far deeper than that.
Lusting is like throwing back a bottle of alcohol for the purpose of getting drunk without even noticing what one is drinking, whereas a healthy relationship between man and wife is like savouring a really good drink.
And trust me, she can tell the difference.

ToAdd

ToAdd wrote on 14 Apr 2011 05:53:


she can tell even the slightest lust and its over!

I'm so pleased your getting this advice before you get married! I didnt have that luxury and continued my lust throughout marriage. I felt exactly like you, my yetzer convinced me that it was the right thing to do!

ToAdd wrote on 14 Apr 2011 05:53:

Toadd, that's a great metaphor, thanks for sharing it!

...I hope we didn't scare him off.

--Eye.