Reading posts here and on some other related sites, I've discovered something....
Most everyone agreed on one thing: Our problem is that we mistake lust and love.
People naturally seek love and sometimes feelings get mixed up....
Just "hear" me through...

Love is asexual and illogical:
Asexual because it is absolutely irrelevant connected it to sex or not. You can love your parents, children, friends and even perfect strangers. Love is when you want to do something for the object of your love completely without expecting anything in return. The act of giving is rewarding in itself.
So when people ask you why do you love that or another person, there is no answer.  It is completely illogical.
Lust is not really bad in itself. You also want to do something for the object on you lust, but in return for something. Usually for exactly the same. Nothing more and nothing less. So why is it bad?

I always thought that I love all the people. Not everyone equally, but everyone. I always wanted to do good things for people around me without asking anything in return.
But what occurred to me recently, I did wanted something back. I wanted to be loved back the same way.
It occurred to me that I love my children, my parents with expectation of some sort of gratitude in return. They do love me but, their love actually is love mine....
Is it possible that I never knew what is it feels like to love somebody?

Does anyone here feels the same way?
How one can learn to love?
Just don't tell me: oh, you'll know when it happens. It's like saying just stop searching for porno sites. Sounds simple enough, isn't it? How many people can actually do it here? Some certainly did it, but most are still straggling, otherwise what are you doing here?
And to STOP doing something is more simple than STARTING to do something new.
Try to ride bicycle when you an adult, or skiing... Not impossible, but certainly not simple...
Anyone with me?
Suggestions?

You are probably underestimating yourself. Everything you do is because you love yourself and you want something in return? If your parents become too old to take care of themselves, you wouldn't help them even if you can expect nothing in return?

Whatever the case the best way to work on this is to to senseless acts of kindness (I think there's a bumper sticker to that effect) and acts of love where you can't realistically expect reciprocity. V'Hachitzona Meora es hapinimiyos.

Wondering Jew wrote on 05 Apr 2011 18:54:


I don't know that I agree with your definition of love.  How's this definition:  The feeling that we get when we focus on the attributes and qualities of another.  For more insight on this concept check out:  www.aish.com/sp/48w/48951521.html and Rabbi Pamensky's lecture "Making love real every day" it may also be called "love and wrap-up" on happywife.com. 

Me3 wrote on 05 Apr 2011 19:29:



That's exactly what I'm wondering about: Of course, I'll take make parents in, and of course I will never ask them for anything in return. My question is to myself: Am I doing it out of love or out of sense of obligation?
There is no right of wrong answer, when you are answering to yourself. I'm trying to be honest with myself.
As a matter of fact this is a great example. Because, G-d forbid for me to be in this situation, but I know there will be a conflict with my wife. And the choice I will have to face is to abandon my parents or abandon my children.
My pray is that if that should happened, let my kids be old enough, so by then they can be out of the house and then the choice will be clear...

wandering jew, i waited months to see you post. it has been too long, good to see you.

when we direct our energy outwards toward others, and become attuned to the waves of others, the feelings they broadcast, and their needs, we can love.
when we become sensitive to others because our antennas were looking outwards for them, we have love.

when we can accustom ourselves to see the good things within every single aspect of creation, every jew, gentile, plant, animal, evil person, or bad situation, we are loving.

it is a custom that we can habituate ourselves into, a state of mind, a style of living.
on
If i recall you are an irreligious jew, there is an amazing book called "A tzaddik in our times" about the ritcheous man, r aryeh levin, of jerusalem. If you read this book, you can feel how to love another. While many books for orthodox jews focus on the high levels of erudiation in talmud and jewish literature, this book particularly focuses on this man's intense love for everyone, from ALL types of jews, to lepers, to soldiers, to street cleaners, to the lowest of society, and how he became SELFLESS and gave all he could to help another and lift their spirits.

it is a biography, but it is really, for me, a textbook. Highly recommended. 

i fell out of this state of mind recently, and i was eating a falalel/pita, when my daughter came scavenging, asking me to share with her. I was reluctant. I wanted to enjoy it for myself. Then i saw i am not loving her properly, and i gave her several fries, each time she'd ask. If i love her, id want to share it with her and GIVE to her.

my son last night had an ear infection, at night we debated to go to the doctor or not, or wait till the next morning. on the one hand we were tired, but on the other hand....i would go as early as i can to get onto antibiotics if i were sick, to feel better quicker, so why not do that for my son.

For the wife, if i just come home and tell her about my day, and i dont compliment her on how the house looks so clean, this omellette is really good, ireally appreciate how you take care of the kids with such dedication, then i am not loving her. By saying these things, it will giv her life. To love, i want to build and give her. Because i love her.

how are u feeling?
what was it like?
thats a really nice bowtie you have on
youre my favorite restaurant, the food's so good
you aresuch a good friend, thank you for always calling me to see how im doing

the jewish book, tomar dvorah, palm of dvorah,(chapter 3? by kishutay kalah and wife...) says that our state of mind in life is to give out as much life to others as we can, just like God does for us.

wandering jew, youre a great guy, keep growing

tz90

tzadik, those were beautiful posts, thanks for sharing

Sometimes I feel, I'm the most annoying ney-sayer of all times.
I read your posts, guys, and just admire your positive attitude. I wish I could be a bit more like that....
Please, no Nike commercials. It's like saying to the blind: Just look at the sunset, isn't it beautiful?

I found it difficult to love before I began recovery.  Looking at every woman as an object of lust just burned out this sublime sensitivity in my brain.  It is only now that I am able to truly give for the sake of love.  It feels really good.

here are two cents, for free
having a positive attitude and seeing the good can be a matter of awareness and practice.
you have the choice of what to focus on.
of course once a habit is formed and we constantly see the negative it takes a lot to change a habit. but it can be done.
as Dov often says 'you cannot think yourself into right living, you can only live yourself into right thinking'. action is key. act like you're positive and the rest will follow.
would also suggest learning Likutei Moharan vol. 1 - 282