As I'm typing this to you guys, I'm basking in my own disgust. This is surely d?j? vu, I felt like I was right here doing this same exact thing eleven days ago. Yes. that's right I've just ended 11 days of total bliss, total connection between a man and his creator. Now, where am I? Where has me EGO taken me? Where has my selfishness led me to? I can't keep up this routine of going a few days and then breaking, I can't afford this....

So now where am I where do I go? What should I do. I'm ashamed to even tell my sponsor. The truth, I'm not desperate enough. I'm not desperate enough to stay sober. It has not yet registered in my head that I CAN NOT keep living this twofold life. So what now? what is ayoung single guy suppossed to do?

I can't seem to make it past these 10-11 day marks. I want to see some real serious sobriety. I don't want to keep coming back to this same place every week or so.

I want HASHEM!

Hey Miracles,

Like you I'm a young, single guy as well and I know how difficult things can be at times. In my addict years, I could never go for more than a week without masturbating. The trouble was that I eventually rock bottom. I was one of those guys who never believed he would be one of those 'loser statistics' to be harsh, until I became one myself.
All I felt then was an unbearable sense of regret when I came to the full realisation of what I had lost through the mindless pursuit of pleasure. The social humiliation and the extreme physical suffering were nothing in comparison to my own mental anguish. I wanted to commit suicide, and I would have had it not been for physical cowardice.

Why do we have to taste hell before we are willing to change? Sure we all have to suffer, nobody can escape that, but we can choose the path of lesser suffering.

Instead of beating yourself up, why not try and channel your anger and energy into breaking away from the addiction? I find it's essential to keep busy with mental work, to develop a healthy routine and to exercise regularly. Common sense really is the best solution, lol. Also, every time you fall you need to evaluate what precipitated the downward spiral. Once you've identified the problem you can strengthen your fences accordingly.

Other than that, be happy, try your best and never give up, and trust in God to work miracles for you, Miracles. 
Remember, the man who wins is just the guy who decided he would get up and try once more.

BW and have a great weekend,

DL

It may be time to hit bottom while still on top."

Hey Miracles,
I know how you feel and I'm not a young single guy, I'm a middle aged married guy with kids and i have been dealing with this sickness for almost 25 years. Only recently did i decide to take my life seriously and to start working on recovery.
I have an extensive yeshiva background but it didn't help me because I refused to recognize my addiction for what it is: an addiction. a sickness.
I'm now in the process of recovery and it is slow work. But nothing in life that is appreciated comes easily. The bigger the obstacle the greater the appreciation in getting rid of it.
However that is not the case here. The real obstacle here is ME. I will never be rid of me, but with HaShem's help I can.

At this point in my recovery I have joined a phone group and although I have not yet suceeded in following through all of the steps laid out I have sensed a change - very slight, but it's there - within me. I still want to do the aveirah, just like a junkie wants his fix, but my attitude towards it has changed, with G-D's help, ever so slightly.
As Reb Duvid Chaim reminded me on the call: remember Rabbi Akiva. He say a stone that had a hole that was "blasted" through it by repeated drops of water. That's how recovery works. One drop at a time.
Take the first step, then another. maybe you'll take a step back, maybe even two, but keep it up and HaShem will help us to gain the necessary momentum to arrive at recovery.
If you want to talk - send me an email with your number and we'll talk.
aspiringjew@gmail.com

hey miricle,

i can most def. relate to your struggle. i too have found myself returning to my stuggle time after time - despite real attempts at teshuva and regret. in more recent months though, i've found that building myself up instead of trying to beat myself down was an essential step in overcoming short falls. i found that i had finally reached a stage of life  where whipping myself with regret and shame no longer worked as a means of motivation or encouragment but rather it was simply bruising my psychological health. i was bleeding all self-respect and love of life to the point where i reached critical conditions....

i too have been on a path to rock bottom trying to make myself realize that the end will not be pretty. but for people like us, i think that it is important to try and appreciate where we are and not constantly critizize and be-little our circumstances. i am not advocating that you should cease to fight but rather fight through self-respect and proper treatment of self. instead of treating your body they way you wish, i urge you to calm and "tame" the inner beast within. keep it happy by means of heathly living and it should subside a great deal.

i cannot emphasize enough that keeping busy (not stressed) is one of the most important factors in my recovery.

specifically, i have found that daily excersise is essential to the preservation of my body, mental health and neshama. in all seriousness, please head my words and try excersising.  PUT IN AT LEAST 30 MINUTES A DAY... you will feel amazing. it will become your new means of releiving tension and stress. any time you are bored, angry or sad - just go run. i've seen so many people overcome depression and terrible habbits simply through a good daily cardio workout.

don't beat yourself any longer....learn to love yourself and you will finally retain the love you seek from your Maker

hatzlacha rabba
M