I fell two days ago after around 60 days clean.  I'm not sure what happened.  It had been several days in the making, urges that I could not control, thoughts, planning, obsessing.  Truth be told, I don't feel I'm an addict.  I just feel I'm making bad decisions and giving in to urges that others choose not to give into or ignore.  It's unfortunate because I had been making such a great connection to H", and really started to understand the concept of d'veikus.  And then this.  Now I don't even know where to start.  I mean I go back to davening but I feel like a disloyal and out-of-control subject of H', and He doesn't want to have anything to do with my impure, dishonest, and disloyal prayers.  Even writing this, I feel like I'm taking shelter, grabbing the horns of the Altar, when in truth, there is a verdict waiting for me.  Anyhow I got my Light of Ephraim, and I certainly can relate to the first chapter... and will make my way through.  But it's sad, I'm sad, the feeling that I'll never be the person I was meant to be.  Anyhow thanks for reading.  Good luck to all.

On the edge man!
GET AWAY FROM THAT EDGE YOUNG MAN! YOU CAN FALL!
you are a-okay!
you are like the rest of us-you sinned
FOR THAT THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED TSHUVA

IT MAKES IT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED

AND DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE NACHAS YOU SENT TO HEAVEN FOR THE PAIN YOU HAD UNTIL YOU FELL?

AND DONT FORGET THAT THE NEW NISAYON IS HOW QUICKLY YOU GET BACK UP

THE PASUK SAYS A TZADDIK FALLS SEVEN TIMES, YOU FORGOT?

R YAKOV HILLEL TOLD ME PERSONALLY HE HEARD FROM THE STEIPLER THAT THIS IS A WHOLE LIFE TIME BATTLE, AND THAT THE TEST IS IF YOU FIGHT, NOT IF YOU ARE CLEAN OR FALL

SAY LIKE REBBE BARDS SAYS, SEVEN TIMES FAST "FELL, SHMELL"

MORE CHIZZUK TO COME

WE ARE EXACTLY THE PERSON WE WERE MEANT TO BE!

You can still be the person you were meant to be.  People who have fallen in this area have the potential to help Klal Yisrael and Kedushas Yisrael in ways that are not available to those who never fell.  Perhaps that is your Tafkid in this world.

I would treat it as an addiction until proven otherwise.  When we know that it's against our best interest, and how lousy we're going to feel, and we do it anyway, that sounds like an addiction to me.

Thank you for the chizuk all.

SAYS THE ARIZAL IN SHAR HAGILGULIM (usually quoted in hakdama of printer to sharei kdusha) :THE LITTLE DEEDS THAT PEOPLE DO FROM THE TIME OF THE ARIZAL AND ON UNTIL MASHIACH, THEY ARE WORTH AND EQUAL TO SEVERAL SERIOUS MITZVOS IN THE TIME OF THE AMORAIM AND TANAIM

ALSO, SAYS THE SFARIM (R' TZADIK, R' NACHMAN) THAT IF WE REALLY BELIEVE IN THE TORAH, AND BELIEVE GOD EXISTS, THEN WE GOTTA BELIEVE THAT TSHUVA ERASES ALL STAINS TOO, CUZ THATS PART OF THE TORAH PACKAGE


LISTEN TO KEDUSHA AND EYENONYMOUS, THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT

PLUS, IN GYE ATTITUDE (which you better read fast!-it can save your life!) IT BRINGS R TZADOK THAT JUST LIKE ONE BELIEVES IN GOD, ONE MUST BELIEVE IN HIMSELF

KEEEEEP ONNNNN TRUCKING!!!!!!

Kedusha wrote on 09 Mar 2011 14:55:


This is Kedusha's opinion, others disagree.

But why don't you add a 3rd option?

It may be neither Addiction nor Evil. It can be a normal slip-up of a normal person who was put by Hashem into an abnormal generation.





Should i tell you a secret? It is quite likely that Hashem never expected you not to stumble ever,  AT ALL. Hashem knows where he put you. He knows what you are up against. If it is not something that happens regularly, and you did resist it for a while, it is quite possible that this is NOT an addiction.

Just go to the mikva, put a smile on your face, & keep on serving Hashem with joy!

I heard a gevaldige statement this afternoon (attributed to R' Nachman):

The 'oilam' has two serious mistakes:

Mistake #1: They think that it's impossible that a Tzaddik can also sin sometimes.

Mistake #2: They think that it's impossible for one who has sinned to be a Tzaddik.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 09 Mar 2011 15:55:


Read the rest of what I wrote:

Kedusha wrote on 09 Mar 2011 14:55:


Anyway, Yosef is the Daas Yachid around here!

Kedusha wrote on 09 Mar 2011 18:56:


#1)  Feel free to disregard what I wrote, I only wanted our new friend, ontheedgeman, to see another perspective.



#2) This is a good lesson in humility for me!

The Publicly held opinion is written in the singular:
Kedusha wrote on 09 Mar 2011 14:55:

while the Daas Yachid writes in the plural:
Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 09 Mar 2011 15:55:
;D

unasked-for stand-in for the Rebbe Reb B:

who the #*$& cares how it is referred to?
addiction shmaddiction

ontheedgeman is a precious holy jew
and a jew, like a diamond, even if it falls in the mud is still a jew-diamond

get up, brush yourself off and continue living

when we retire and need to count the cars passing by to keep us occupied we can debate ad infinitum about whether it was an addiction, yetzer hora, solar flares or the stock market fluctuations

(rebbe b, how did i do?)

You seem to have hit a nerve here judging from all the comments.

And to those, I feel compelled to add my own.

You went 60 days clean. That's amazing and wonderful and precious to HaShem.

Now go for 61.

Start NOW...immediately...don't let the yetzer hara keep you down.

Hoping you and all of us make it clean, serving HaShem and restraining our tyvahs all the way to Shavuos, which is about 100 days away.

Yosef

p.s. Light of Ephraim is very good and very powerful, but also very heavy and possibly depressing. I strongly advise reading it in small doses.