Monday, 23 January 2012

Knocking Down the Walls

by Esa Einai (See all authors)

I touched on this before, but I need to say it again to reinforce it to myself. In the past I have made it 30 days or more. But I can't say that I felt as good about it as I feel now at just 20 days clean. Why? Because it felt like a struggle that was holding me down, and I didn't really feel like I was myself - it felt like I was trying to be someone else. But this is starting to change now. I know that I have big challenges ahead, and I know there will be days that seem harder than others. But I am loosing that fear and the fear of falling because I am starting to be myself. I feel good now, not because I made it to 20 days, because it's not really about the days, it's about knocking down these walls I have built for myself and being the true me and being real with Hashem. And accepting His help is part of that. I think I am seeing it this way because by trusting Hashem for his help when I am weak, I am no longer beating myself up about my flaws, which allows me to be "me" and build myself up with - not just my strengths; but far greater - with the Strength of Hakadosh Baruch Hu! Am I just crazy?

 

Dov replies:

Yeah, yeah, you are crazy...but how does it feel so far? Not so bad, huh? If this is "crazy", I'll take it!