Sunday, 22 January 2012

Forever Vulnerable

Mazal Tov to Eye.Nonymous on reaching 100 days clean!

by Eye.nonymous (See all authors)

Eye.Nonymous wrote on the forum recently:

I was thinking that this AA attitude that an addict is "allergic" to their addiction and is forever vulnerable, seems to be very much in line with Chazal, as they say:

"The Yetzer Hara is misgaber on a person every day, and without Hashem's help, we can't withstand it."

I don't mean "vulnerable" like "paranoid vulnerable". I mean "vulnerable" in a sobering sort of way. Like, if you know that you'll get electrocuted by touching the socket with wet hands, you're afraid to do it - AND you won't do it. You're not paranoid about electric sockets all day long.

I've uncovered a lot of triggers for what they are - electric sockets. I'm done playing games like, "If I only do this, it won't be a problem" or "If I stop at this point, I'll be okay". STARTING ANYTHING even distantly related to lust, is a trigger.

On another point, I see a great benefit in this "vulnerable" feeling. I am turning to Hashem informally, and much more often than I used to. I feel my Emunah is growing in a very real way, though slowly. I have never felt before so tangibly that Hashem is actually a part of my life. And, if this is the result of vulnerability, I'd gladly keep it.