The First Guy I Couldn't Con
One of the SA guys here on GYE, schlepped me out of the sewer and sent me to the first person I've ever known that I couldn't con. I had the merit to talk on the phone with Harvey, one of the founding fathers of SA (he's an old guy today). Talking to Harvey was seeing myself for the first time. He forced me to realize the truth about my condition and how my own thinking about how to get out of it was bound to destroy me. He saw through my soft spoken arrogance, denial, and self-will. I could not see it myself because the poison had already reached too deep into my way of thinking. He exposed years of my self-delusional thinking for what it is. He needed to beat me down mercilessly, turning all my "lumdish" thinking back against me. And after he knocked me out and I couldn't do anything except lie there praying to be spared, He lifted me up with more love and encouragement than I ever felt in my life. I have now attended seven SA meetings - I cannot describe his joy. His joy (for me) is teaching me how I can feel joy for me. It's the human element for which there is just no substitute.
My heart goes out to a guy who shared tonight in the SA group. He just lost a great job because they caught him having phone-sex at work; his wife left him; he is losing his house; he is still be investigated for something else (unspecified). He has also just started meetings and feels so grateful to have meetings to come to. He is also grateful for his new job as a security guard (even though it is far less than what he used to have). He was so thankful for the little heater they gave him, that kept him warm in his booth all night long. He is about as alone in the world as a person can be. He has hit bottom. Most of the guys in tonight's group have hit bottom. We all felt his pain, his loneliness - and our own. Something special, magical and indescribable was shared between all of us tonight. I don't think I'll see these guys again because I am moving soon, but I hope I never forget the experience.
I just want to say to Dov who posts here on the forum a lot , you should know that your posts belong in an intensive care unit. They are intravenous lines for those that use them!