The Library

Living one day-at-a-time is not like telling the Yetzer Hara to come back tomorrow. That eitza isn't realistic for most addicts I know. It tends to make the whole thing a waiting game, and the "pressure just builds up", as they say. Never worked for me. The idea that it's...

One of the worst problems we folks who run into zera l'vatoloh problems have (in my opinion) is the raising of issues that are fine details of yiddishkeit to the level of ikkarei ha'emunah/de'oraisah's. Many of us focus so much on mikvah and kavonos that we get lost in ou...

The goal of my recovery is not really sobriety, if by "sobriety" we only mean "not drinking/using schmutz/whatever". This is for two reasons. One is that such an attitude is shallow, and the second reason is that such a perspective may not work, even to stop the drinking/...

If it were only masturbation (including the issur, spiritual/mental/interpersonal damage that it causes and its onesh as I understand them all in my heart) that I considered my big problem, I doubt I'd have ever stopped. I went on with it for years and cried my eyes out, ...

Someone wrote: I don't care about my life. I just fell hard again. I could have called out for help......I CHOSE to fall all the way because it feels much better. If you're gonna fall, might as well fall all the way..... I give him so many chances and he takes the stupide...

A fellow working his 1st step wrote Dov:   I already did the whole writing. It is beautiful and very sick. I now know I am a hopeless case.   Dov Responds:   This is what they really mean when they say, "Hashem is kol yochol and can help you do anything." This is ...

I may have walked away from juicy situations a few times, but the basic and inescapable fact for me is that I have a pattern and it spirals downward. Nothing I have done has arrested it. Looking at my case in a clear way, reminds me how ridiculous it is for me to expect t...

Someone asks Dov: I had a question. What do you think about tefillah? Where does asking Hashem to cure us come in to the process of recovery? I assume you would still say that we should do/need the 12 steps... But why isn't Torah and tefilla and remorse good enough? Dov...

(VNBDI stands for "Very Nice, But Desperate Individual") VNBDI: I need help Dov: So do I. What's the deal, chaver? VNBDI: I spent a lot of time on the internet, now I'm home and am going crazy obsessed. I can't imagine why the guy with that pretty wife I looked at before...

Someone asks Dov: I am trying to understand the psychological factors in sexual acting out. I am, as far as I am aware, a popular, respected and emotionally balanced person. I grew up in an emotionally stable home and environment, and I cannot recall anything specific ...

The 12-Steps typically shy away from engaging much in deep analysis of what our deep motivations are in our acting out. To me, such study is likely to be mental 'self pleasuring' (sorry for being crass) and often just another righteous attempt at being independent of G-d,...

The first 3 Steps of the 12-Steps state: 1. We admitted we were powerless over lust--that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to ...

The business of seeing my struggle as all focused on becoming the kind of person who would never have a strong desire to act out again, has nothing - and I mean nothing to do with recovery. Granted, a person who takes his recovery seriously will eventually be mostly free ...

Where I quote 'lo ayacheil', with respect to the problem, the way it actually works in real life is that many folks sacrifice chunks of their life - their spirituality, their relationships, their families, and jobs. So, in a twisted and very sad sort of way, the first par...

Someone asks Dov: The second step says: "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". Isn't that obvious for a frum Yid? Dov Replies: Sorry. It's not so simple. Take lust, for example. Do you believe in lust - or do you believe in Ha...

The heiliger Divrei Chayim (or maybe it was the Sfas Emess) said: "Enlightened folks don't desire freedom so that they can do whatever they like whenever they want - like empty-headed fools, but rather so that they can actually succeed at fighting for Kvod Shomayim in thi...

Someone asks: I know that the first thing that will get me out of this is wanting to. And I just don't want to badly enough. I'm so furious at myself. Why don't I want to recover?? What's wrong with me? Dov Responds: Boruch Hashem I am sober today, a fact that is more i...

Someone on the forum asks: Dear Dov, you often say, "You are thinking way too much, stop it". First of all, I think this is a very dangerous statement, in and of itself. Second, generally our emotions are controlled by our thinking, if we like it or not, so you may as wel...

How can I go to these SA groups when most of the guys there are thinking of their higher power as Yushka? Let's say there were people who believed god was a 12 foot purple bunny that can do magic, turn cool aid into whiskey and walk on water, would that work as their "Hig...

"SouthafricanJEW" (a Bochur) writes to Dov: I can't stop masturbating completely, so I'm using a gradual approach. For now I chose "no masturbation days" so I can start cutting down. I feel a deep desire and longing for the day when I am strong enough for every day to be ...