The Library

The label "addict" does not have to mean "one who has done really bad stuff" - or at least "stuff worse than I have". It doesn't mean one has to actually voyeur, expose himself, or be oiver (transgress on) gilui arayos (ie. with another person - masturbation doesn't seem ...

Purim was a neis nistar, Hashem was hidden all through the story - all through it. We dress up in disguises or funny costumes, and are hidden too. Well, Hashem saved me from my own hidden life; my own disguise that I wore all the time - oh, it was incredibly draining! And...

Sometimes when we're out there in the big world surrounded by all the temptations wherever we seem to look, we cry out in our hearts "Dear G-d, where are you? I can't see you, I can't feel you! All I see is a beauty of a different kind, wherever I look!"... But then the a...

Someone wrote on the forum: I'm trying to defeat this giant, and I have faith that I will... I'm done. I just can't live two different lives anymore. I'm a Jew and I'm so very lucky to have a beautiful wife who adores me.. I better quit while I'm ahead... I'm sorry and em...

It seems to me that nobody can really tell anyone else that they are an addict, because it probably will not be accepted to the depth that it needs to be to make any difference at all for the addict. This has been my own experience and what I have seen meeting many people...

"Rashkebehag" wrote on the forum: I want this thing behind me. Just today I innocently downloaded updates that were offered for my iPod and there it was - the youTube and safari with all its shmutz. Boy did I feel tempted to go on it. I ran in a panic to my expert and he...

Someone asks Dov: "Are you saying that the true nature of addiction to this stuff is just the need to give to others which is just being misplaced? It sounds too simple. If so, let's all join "Tomchei Shabbos" and be free of this!" Dov Responds: First off, it's not me w...

The pivotal motivation for much of the stuff we all do, is to feel connected to something even greater than us - to others and to Goodness. Not to "be loved", but to Love. The Hope that we all have, is that "maybe, just maybe, there is something worthwhile in me and out t...

If we could actually say that knowing this (the intricacies of the issurim) would necessarily make an iota of difference in getting someone to stop for good, I'd promptly shut up. But I do not believe it is so in many cases. Of the following two choices, which is more lik...

Someone wrote on the forum: Undertaking a genuine Teshuva starts by understanding the mekoros and ikarim of the issurim of these issues. This is not only MY opinion, but many rishonim and baalei hamusar hold like this. You can get rid of an issur and a bad habit by shapin...

A funny thing seems to happen to all the folks I meet in recovery after they are sober for a while: They take on this mindset that they are not in this world to overcome lust. They begin to see their sobriety only as a gateway to real living. See the start of step 4 or 6 ...

To someone who claimed he had studied the 12-Steps and found them "insightful": The steps are not like Torah, which (sadly) can just be a book, and just read without being believed in at all, nor incorporating it. The steps are not information - they are a program. Hence ...

Someone who kept having repeated falls wrote on the forum: Another fall... no time to feel sorry for myself.. I just got to try harder.. maybe one day I'll get it. Dov replies: Hi. I have read through a good bit of your recent posts and see that you are really struggling...

Question: I can't believe I keep falling for the Y"H's tricks. A couple of days ago my wife insisted we see a movie. No nudity, but of course it had an attractive actress. Of course I couldn't get her out of my head. And that was a slippery slope downwards for me. Yes, my...

In my case, I can't really do the jumping for joy till I am basically dead, I guess, but as a friend once told me, "any addict who is sober should get up and dance every day at least once!" So, I often do - but just for the privilege, not with any expectations for my futu...

The pivotal recovery point for me in the outside/giving-centeredness called for in AA (as opposed to self-centeredness), is that I slowly get used to living in accordance with the Will of my Higher Power rather that my will. To me, Orthodoxy and Halacha are great tools f...

Someone wrote to Dov: Today I had a rather rough day... I attended a Sheva Brochos where Men and women sat separately, but there was no mechitza and it was a small room so we weren't very far from each other. It was Yeshivish and all were dressed properly... but as you k...

Lest I get my hands into trouble, I need to be busy. The more sober I get, the more I can tolerate "free time". Earlier on, I couldn't really tolerate it very well, so I made less free time for myself. I took time in the woods and read up on what I saw there, made calls t...

Someone asks Dov to explain a seeming contradiction in his words. In one place Dov wrote: “So I ask you: why look forward to getting anything more than just being sober? If that is not precious enough to motivate someone, then I just have a hard time relating.” In another...

Whenever I get grumpy and sad about my disappointments in "shalom bayis", I whine, feel sorry for myself, whine some more, eat some cheese with my whine, and then get sick of it and finally slap myself out of the trance only to discover that love is all I can really give!...