5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 15 Jan 2023 17:13:

I'm not sure if I'm fully understand the whole urge surfacing technique. I don't really physically have an urge anywhere in my body to observe, it's just these images replaying in my head and this craving to masturbate.

What I think I'm getting out of what I checked out on urge surfacing is that instead of getting caught up in the urge, I'm supposed to sort of observe it as a force that is telling me to do something, and if I accept it instead of fighting it, it will eventually go away.

I don't mind trying this next time, but I feel like I'm still missing something here, bec I usually try to not get caught up in an urge, but eventually, I do. I don't really understand how the observing part is supposed to work. Plz fill me in

Yosefhamevakesh wrote on 14 Jan 2023 19:56:

Hi Yosefhamevakesh. I have been in the situation you describe. For several years I was free of porn but continued to be stuck in the rut of masturbating multiple times per week. I was so frustrated by this. After all, I was so meticulous in guarding my eyes! The answer is simple: guarding your eyes is just the beginning. The rest of the journey to success lies learning how to move on from fantasies that enter our mind.

I want to zoom in on 5 words you wrote. I have bolded and put them in red above. You masturbated, but you did not look at porn while doing so. I thus want you to ask yourself the following question: Since you were not looking at porn when you masturbated, what were you thinking about while doing that act?

From personal experience, I can tell you that you must have been lusting about a girl you saw on the street or a video you have seen in the past. It is simply so crucial to realize that this is what is going on. It is the focusing on a sexually provocative thought suitable for masturbating to that enables each acting out. If you don't do this, you will not masturbate.

So what are you supposed to do? The next time imagery like this enters your brain, try what Hashem Help Me mentioned: urge surfing. You need to be able to see thoughts and fantasies as waves that will either come and go, OR come and stay because we choose to focus on them. By relaxing the mind and deciding to move on, you will be able to avoid fall after fall after fall. And an hour later, you don't need to check in on the thought and make sure it's gone!!

Urge surfing is really so crucial. Do not fight thoughts. Let them ebb as you move on with your life. Do not re-attend to them.

Have you tried urge surfing?

lionking wrote on 02 Jan 2023 10:54:

I also found, as you mentioned, Illness can sometimes cause a weaker resolve, plus in our search for "kosher" entertainment we find many things. Probably next time I'm sick, I'll stick to audio stuff only,.less likely to find inappropriate stuff there.

On a related note. For those of us who have been doing this for a while, there are a endless amount of triggers that can lead to acting out.

Illness, stress, success, depressed, feeling good, feeling bad, bored, to busy. The list can go on and on.

SO what do we do? We have built to many neural pathways that lead to the same place?

Day 0
Fell last night twice. Once I just masturbated mostly out of habit while stuck in the bathroom with a stomach ache and then got too aroused and started searching arousing material. Most links were blocked. I managed to find some content to read and masturbate again.

It really started with being lightheaded and dizzy Shabbos afternoon and feeling empty. Watched some clips to fill time and saw some woman not dressed appropriately. Wàs lusting all day and wasn't careful with my eyes on the street. 

This medicine is really messing up with my hormones, it is so hard to feel down and lethargic. I function better when I feel productive.

I need help in strengthening my resolve and in learning how to overcome a challenge. Generally when I get very aroused I masturbate, either right away or within 2-3 days. Not sure how urge surfing works. It only works by me when it is a small urge.

connected wrote on 27 Dec 2022 17:11:

GYE has a tool called "Urge Surfing" which is similar to what you're describing.

With Urge Surfing the idea is to observe the urge, rather than distract yourself or fight it, until the urge eventually disappears. When you are able to observe urges in this way rather than being afraid of them, they begin to lose their grip on you.

app.guardyoureyes.com/toolbox/tools/urge-surfing

Ok, so I have my (current) plan ready. Some of it is the same as before, some of it is new. IYH, it'll work.

Dealing with Cues / Triggers


Dealing with Urges


Any and all feedback welcome (positive, constructive, critical...)

A Freilichen Chanukah!

So I did the flight training unit/week (I started a couple of days ago, but the last couple of days were very busy, so I didn't finish until now). Here are my observations:

He brings examples of minimizing cues like not using devices after a certain time or certain devices etc. Minimizing cues rewires the brain, because over time your brain creates new "bundles" how to respond to your cues. But I'm not sure how to apply that when the cue is the availability of unfiltered devices itself, because however much I minimize the access I'm not creating a new "bundle" of how I respond when I do have unfiltered devices available.

He brings up another point that I really need to start doing. Before he starts explaining the different urge management techniques he says that's when we're having a urge sometimes we're on autopilot, so the techniques won't help. First I need to tell myself "Stop! I'm having an urge, but I don't need to fall". I think this is where a lot of my problem is, that's whatever plans I make don't work because when I'm having an urge I'm not thinking. This is part of why I am still stuck at the "preparation" stage.
As a continuation to that, by the different "Escape" strategies, I didn't think that "Distract" or "Goodbye" would work in my situation because they never did, but maybe by first stopping and acknowledging the urge they would work. Also it depends what the situation is. If it's just temporary access to an unfiltered device then escape strategies can work. But if it's a loophole on my device (for example) escape won't really work because I'll still have the issue when I come back.

In the "Resist" strategies, I don't think the "Check your compass" will work for me. Regarding the "Find the fox" or "Countering self-talk", I don't think it'll work if it's just a "make believe" game and I'm not taking it seriously. So I'll see if I can do it.

In the "Stay calm" strategies, "Urge surfing" sounds really interesting. I've seen it before on GYE, but it sounded really weird to me. I just listened to the recording, and I realized that I didn't understand what it was (the name is a bit misleading, I would've called it urge analyzing). I'm going to try it out next time and see how it goes.
I have the same issue with "Coping statements" as I have with "Find the fox" and "Countering self-talk". "SOBER" sounds to me like an expanded urge surfing technique.

If you visit the Flight to Freedom program there are tools called the Cure tracker, Urge Surfing and a few more in Lesson 3 that can help you keep track of your triggers, the cues and the effects they cause on you as well as different urges. Believe me, whatever you may struggle with becomes easier as it gets under control.
app.guardyoureyes.com/course
Much Hatzlacha to you,
Remember you are a holy man and no for in the world can challenge that!

I just want to update here. 
The last few weeks have been great. Ive been using my strategies from the Flight to Freedom program and ive seen great accomplishments. 
The last 2 days have been a bit harder since i went to the pool and i wanst prepared to fight, and i have urges today. 
However, im practicing the Urge Surfing method which showed me that they all pass, 
and the diffusion method where i learned to recognize the urge as something separate from me and understadning it and making room for it, but knowing that i dont need to act on it. 
Onward and upward!!

chancy wrote on 23 Jun 2022 19:49:

Awesome! You're ahead of me. I got stuck on the reasons for change,

Ive been working on a few methods from teh lean to fly program here at GYE. 
So far the most promising one has been the Urge Surfing and Deffusion. Both are ACT methods, i even bought a great book on ACT and its been amazing. Total life altering stuff.

someone PM'ed me:

Is there a way out of our strugglesIt's to hardI cant anymore

I'd like to reply publicly so hopefully this can benefit more people:

I understand that's how it feels: it feels to hard, like it's an impossible fight.

However, this is not the Truth. The truth is אין הקב"ה בא בטרוניא אם בריותיו. The truth is לפום גמלא שיחנא

So if you have a nisayon it is 100% possible to overcome.

It might be just a matter of finding the right path.
That might mean finding the right mindset.
It might mean stopping to do certain things that end up making the struggle more difficult for ourselves and being מגרה the יצר. 
It might be really wanting to stop, and keeping that in mind at all moments, even when the struggle is at the strongest.

When you come on to GYE, someone will invariably pop up on the chats asking "What's your struggle"... there is a glorification of "the struggle". We are warriors! We roll up our sleeves and get into the boxing rink with the yetzer hara!
I don't know about you, but I don't want to be a struggler. I am not interested in fighting... Yetzer, just go away. I want to live life. I want to be successful in living a life of meaning. I am not interested in being a fighter.

Also, along with this "struggler" mentality comes all the shame and dejection after a fall.

I say just stop it already... this is a taava that everyone has. It's natural. It also won't kill you if your don't indulge in it. Eventually it just goes away (I think F2F calls this Urge Surfing).
Yes, perhaps the ta'ava is made worse by the accessibility of porn.
There are also phycological hooks. We turn to this to make us feel good. Calm, relaxed validated, worthy... Recognize that for what it is. And then realize often P&M is not the best way to fulfill those needs.

These are just my thoughts, sharing my experience. It may come across harsh for someone who is not ready to hear it, and it might not fit every situation. Hope it helps someone.

Welcome !!!

 Amazing post, sounds like you really put on your boots and gloves and ready to work.

It’s not just venting that you would want to stop, you’re in the process of stopping. That’s amazing and is a big step.

But I asked myself I always wanted to stop, why is it going to happen now, more pressure etc. to me it doesn’t look like it, because we are risking so much already, we risk our marriage etc. and we don’t stop.

So I started some tools from SMART or F2F and it was a big game changer. To me learning mindfulness, and urge surfing was the thing, because when you use will power it builds up, and the pile becomes bigger and bigger, but when your mindful you don’t push away the urge it gets evaporated.

Wishing you HATZLACHA !!!

NO MASK

beautifuleyes wrote on 12 Jun 2022 09:43:

welcome back, you really have such a pure neshamah, and you are not willing to settle for less. But I would suggest try one day at a time, but for real, not a year one day at a time, just tell yourself not today, what’s gonna be tomorrow I don’t know.

And a tip to the side, it’s a good idea to learn some mindfulness, and urge surfing, because when you use will power it builds up, but when your mindful it diminishes

Hatzlacha !!!