I understand ya ieeyc. I also often try to run away from them too. They are just SO uncomfortable. It feels like part of us is dieing inside if we don't give into them. It feels like "do something! This is sakonos nefashos if we don't watch something or at least think about shmutz soon! I am going to lose that chance to gain this pleasure and I am never going to be able to get it again! I am never going to know about that shmutz and I am going to be lacking something within myself forever if I don't do it NOW! 

But running away from these is not the ideal road to recovery. It usually only helps us in the short term. There are at least 5 reasons for this:

1) We don't always have the distraction available and when we don't we end up giving in to our cravings by feeding them with lust. With focusing on the cravings; this is always available for us.

2) With shmutz addiction we can be doing something else to try and distract ourselves but still feeding the lust by thinking about shmutz in our minds.

3) Our brain is going to get used to whatever the distraction is and want more and more intense substitution as it gets habituated.

4) Sometimes the cravings will just get so big that we can't concentrate on the distraction anymore and just need to go an act out.

5) We wont gain the confidence that we can ride out cravings by just doing nothing and not trying to change anything and instead of just being with our cravings. When we do this we realize that the cravings are just made of body sensations and we don't need to be a slave to our urges. And then in the future we will know that we have been able to ride them out in the past and will be used to doing so. 

Maybe also like a screaming child our cravings will start to scream less the next time because we were still giving them attention and never gave in to them, whereas if we just ignore a screaming child they don't know that we mean business. So to are cravings will still bother us just as much unless we show them that we are just not going to take them seriously while still paying attention to them.

Hatzlacha Raba ieeyc! And a wonderful Yom Tov and Shabbos!

it sounds great,but when i get sensations i run away from them instead of analyzing them out of fear of acting out on them because of the pleasurable feeling what do you think tiefster 88 (sholom)?

Our minds aren’t used to doing this urge surfing. Usually as soon as the cravings come on it is uncomfortable so we feed it with lust or we try to push it away.

Here’s the paradox. The more we can actually turn toward the wave instead of pushing it away, the more likely that we’ll be able to ride it. So if you get distracted or your mind moves to something else, simply return to the investigation by repeating the investigation. Be curious what is going on in my body right now. See if you can ride it until it is completely gone. Ride it to shore.

Each time you ride one you can never go back because you rode it. So the next time one comes it doesn’t seem as scary. So you will start to build trust in yourself that you can actually do this. The more you ride, the better you’ll get and the easier it becomes. And this can start to be fun. It’s just like any game. We can see it as a challenge. Can I ride the next one?

The RAIN exercise Builds on the body scan in the Curiosity exercises. Can you see how this works? The body scan helps you get more in touch with your body sensations and curiosity helps you stay with them as they arise. RAIN will be your main tool for riding out those urges to do something about lust cravings by being with it and in the process it will help you change your relationship to lust. Of being with it, even surfing it instead of doing something about it or getting identified with it is.

How this change happens is that each wave that you ride out helps break that habit loop so that feelings get easier to ride and don't come strongly or as often, over time. They might not even trigger the usual reactive tsunami because you're not adding any fuel to that fire.

OK Gentleman. This is the moment that everything in the program has been building up to. All the mindfulness training. The body scan we we learnt to identify feelings inside our body. Curiosity were we learnt how to put ourself into that state of open fascinated awareness. Learning how to identify our habit loops with 1st gear. Learning to see what all the rewards and results of our habits are, as well as the rewards and results of being curious in gear 2. 

Now we are going to move into 3rd gear. How to ride curiosity into our urges to act out and completely step out of the habit loop.

Those triggers and cravings of lust or nasty little buggers. They sneak up on us and before we know it were completely sucked in, helpless and under their control. This is pretty similar to surfing. Waves come up and if we're not looking out for them and we don't know how to surf they knock us off balance and suck us into the undertow. they wash us out to sea. No matter how much we struggle against them. 

But as we're beginning to learn we don't have to be slaves to our feelings. The more we see that they're just body Sensations taking us for a ride, the more we can learn to ride these out instead of habitually reacting. Mindfullness keep you from being sucked into these feelings of anxiety just like your surfboard keeps you afloat. Not to mix the metaphors but yes surfing is how you drive in 3rd gear. Instead of habitually reacting to these urges that say do something we can learn to get up on her surfboard and ride those out we can be with them instead of doing something about them. Being not doing. Think of this as being as the new doing.

Now we’ll teach you how to surf.
You’ll use an acronym RAIN, as your surfboard to help you ride the wave.
First you need to Recognize it is coming and Relax. You get thrown from your board if your legs are too stiff and believe it or not this can be fun so just relax into it.

Then remember that you have no control over the craving coming, so see if you can Accept or Allow the wave to come as it is. Don’t try to ignore it or distract yourself.

To catch the wave you have to study it carefully Investigating the wave as it builds, crests and then falls. Become Interested in the body sensations, the thoughts and emotions that come with this craving. Get really curious about them. Let your eyes open really wide as you explore them all.

Finally to ride it out Note your experience. Note to yourself mentally or out loud what’s going on in your body from moment to moment. For some people cravings can start in their belly as a tightness or burning sensation. So they would note tightness or burning at the beginning. Then this sensation triggers an urge to do something to make it go away. Or it triggers a spiral into out of control thinking. You can note this as thinking. Other sensations could be contraction, heat restlessness and so on. 

Keep noting what the sensations feel like as the craving builds, crests and then subsides. Keep the notes to single words that really describe what your body feels like in those moments. (i.e. anxiety, clenching, fear, rising, vibration, tingling, burning). The more you can note your actual experience from moment to moment the more likely you are to be able to ride the wave to its end. Using RAIN you can ride your cravings out all the way to the shore.

Hi all,
My unfortunate story in this area started when I was ~11 years old, before I even had the da'as to know what I was doing.  Now I am 44 and I have to undo 33 years of "habits."  At first I was skeptical about this group, because I felt that my problem was not only shemiras ainayim but a deeper urge that happened whether I looked at inappropriate images/videos or not.  So, even if I had a filter in place, I would just find another "outlet."  Then after I watched some of the videos on porn addiction, I realized that the urges that I had were really an addiction and that there was much more to it than filters.

Now, I am 27 days sober. At about 2 weeks in, I had a very strong urge to the point that I "had" to do something about it.  I was almost in tears.  The video on Urge Surfing really carried me through that moment.  Knowing that the urges come in waves and trying to observe myself helped me through that day.  On the flip side, getting through that day gave me chizuk that I can push through those times, even if they are very intense.

After listening to The Shmuz "The Fight" series, I decided that it would not be wise to continue alone, so I finally got around to setting up an account.

I look forward to being part of a group rather than being alone.  My driving vision is that at 120 I can hold up a 76 year sober medal before passing on.

Hatzlachah.

Thanks markz, and inastruggle for your warm wishes. I'm new to this. So nothing really yet that I can pinpoint. When I was clean for 18 days, hashem carried me. That day I made the decision not to do it a second time, and I think when I took that first step to fight. Hashem helped me.'I never fought too hard before, so that step was a good one. 

I thought I was done with it, but fell. Then fell an hour later and a day later and 2 days later. Then realized ok. It is not just coincidental that I never managed to stop. I just found Gye when I had an urge and was trying to find simw guidance online.

i believe this site and really the amazing olam of people who are working so hard to do ratzon hashem. I believe I will see success. 

I have read read a lot of posts but haven't posted yet - i would like to post. 

I tried the the urge surfing. That was interesting. By staying clean I feel the kedusha and I feel hashem much closer to my wife, and kids. When I was clean 18 days, I felt hashem , I felt ruchniyus. Once I fell then davening and learning became a struggle. May be unique to me or may be common - i look forward to getting to know you better so we can be mechazek each other.

Day 6 now.
I really dont think i had such urge -packed 6 days in my life.
Where it not for "urge surfing" i wouldn't have survived all those urges.
I finally got the courage to filter both Belkin routers in my house (they have a decent parental control feature). i hope im irtze H that this will be a step towards freedom and sobriety.

 

gye1962: I had not heard of that technique before, so I did use google to search for "urge surfing", and it looks very interesting.  I think I will try it.

 

hi everybody shavua tov

finishing up day 4 beezrat H

i recently learned about a technique called "urge surfing" which already helped me alot. and i am looking forward to see what i can do with it

i suggest anybody reading this post to google it.  its very helpful

markz wrote on 25 Jan 2016 11:52:

Markz, that's a great Dov Quote, but I beg to disagree about your tzu shtel to "surrender". "Urge Surfing" is a "relapse prevention technique based on the principles of mindfulness meditation" (quoted from the article I linked below). It has nothing to do with surrendering to G-D or 12 steps. This is not a whole big mahalach, but rather a simple technique to help one overcome his urge when he's confronted with it. Perhaps this is more of solution for non-addicts, as I (for now; maybe I am, still haven't totally figured it out) consider myself.
See here for the full description: http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/recovery/cravings-mindfulness-urge-surfing There are many more articles about it. Search for "What is urge surfing".
I saw the term mentioned in passing in article GYE linked to in one of the chizuk emails and I'm not sure why this hasn't gotten more attention.

AMAZING!!!!!!!

You mentioned "Urge Surfing"
It's one of the most basic tenets of gye, called "surrender" (instead of fighting), אי נמי "Letting go and letting G-d"

It's sprinkled liberally throughout the site, but if you want to see a great Dov quote on the matter compiled by gibbor - click HERE



KOMT

iwant2begood wrote:

I'm glad to hear that you're doing so well. I wanted to make 2 points:
"Letting go and letting G-D" is apparently not something you accomplish overnight. I quote from the GYE Handbook (Part 1, Tool 15):


It seems that you are learning about the 12 steps through the phone conferences, but I would say that as long as haven't reached the point where you can really "Let go & let G-D" then of course you should at least whiteknuckle the lust. This may not be your long term solution, but for today it can work.

This brings me to my 2nd point. I don't think you necessarily need to be "whiteknuckling" lust even if you're not following the 12 steps. There are other techniques and attitudes that may help you more easily get over your lust without fighting head-on.
I will quote here what I wrote elsewhere on the forums:


This perspective has been a game changer because I really don't feel like I'm whiteknuckling for the most part. This is not to say that I don't lust at all or get aroused, but I don't feel like I'm fighting head-on because it's not so much Me vs the YH anymore since the real ME doesn't want it either.

Another potentially helpful technique is something called "Urge Surfing". I plan on writing on this more one of these days in the "Break Free" section, as I haven't really seen much written up about this. But for the meantime you may want to Google "What is urge surfing" and you'll find a lot of literature on this technique which essentially teaches you to sort of "surf" over the wave of lust instead of going against it head-on.
I hope you find some of what I wrote here helpful. I wish you continued Hatzlachah!

Aish Article

Ride the Crave
by Sara Debbie Gutfreund

Urge surfing and the count to greatness.


It is impossible to fight a wave. You can either stand there and let it knock you down, or dive right into it and let it carry you, becoming one with its force. You can ride out its power.

The challenging habits in our lives are like waves. Sometimes when we face them head on, they’re just too overpowering to manage. But if we use “urge surfing,” a term coined by Alan Marlatt as part of a program of relapse prevention for substance abuse, we can ride out all kinds of cravings.

How does this work? An addiction specialist was once sitting next to an obese man at a dinner party who kept refilling his plate throughout the evening. When the overweight man overheard the specialist speaking about his profession, he told the doctor that he had tried every single diet – South Beach, Atkins, Mediterranean, Weight Watchers… Nothing had worked for him.

The addiction specialist thought for a moment and then asked, with complete sincerity, “Have you tried suffering?”

Many of us are afraid to let a craving pass. We’re afraid of the pain it entails, the suffering. We get stuck in harmful habits because of the comfort they bring. They make life bearable. Manageable until we have to face the adverse consequences of our bad habits.

But studies have found that a craving, regardless of its intensity, never lasts more than a half hour1 and usually it subsides after a few minutes. Urge surfing involves a person to first just allow the urge to be. No fighting it or arguing with it, just like we wouldn’t try to fight an actual wave. Observe the intensity of the urge and how long it takes to pass, recognizing that cravings are like waves; they begin small, grow in size and then break up and disappear. We try “suffering” by not instinctively fighting against or giving into the force of our cravings. Instead we wait. We count. We observe. We ride the wave out.

Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, the Steipler Gaon, did this when he was in the Russian army and found himself without a coat on guard duty one night. At first he thought he couldn’t possibly survive the bitterly cold temperatures. But he told himself that he could at least get through five more minutes. After five minutes he told himself that he could get through another five. By counting in five-minute increments, the Steipler survived the night. If he would have tried to fight the cold or even think about the next hour, he would have felt defeated almost from the start. But he “rode out” five minutes and saw that he could keep going.

Four Strategies
We can use this strategy for any goal that we are struggling with. Here are four basic strategies to use for urge surfing:

Mindfulness. Observe the present moment. This may require being still and quiet for a short period of time just to observe your own feelings and cravings. Take inventory without judging. Allow the urge just to be. Watch it like a wave. Notice its intensity, its speed, its contour, where it is in your body and mind.

Patience. Time how long it takes for a craving to begin, to peak and then to subside. Don’t argue with it or wonder how you’ll get through it. Just break up your struggle into manageable increments. Two minutes. Five minutes. Or even ten minutes. Have the patience to see the full wave through.

Grit. This is what the addiction specialist means by “try suffering.” Grit is the ability to persevere despite obstacles, tTo tolerate discomfort. To look at a table full of shortcuts in front of us and remember that they brought us nowhere yesterday. Urge surfing requires grit because habits and cravings return after they subside. We rarely contend with just one wave. We need to be ready to ride out many waves. We need to believe that we can get back up and face the ocean each day. Embracing the present pain will lead you to greater, more satisfying pleasure.

Hope. The more waves a person learns to “ride out” the smaller and easier each subsequent wave becomes. And eventually that craving will come less often and with less intensity. Strengthening our ability to ride out waves and withstand discomfort increases our confidence in confronting the next wave that will eventually arise.

We are now in the period of counting the Omer, moving each day closer to Shavuot, when we hope we will have reached sufficient levels of growth to be ready to receive the Torah. We are counting towards greatness, embracing each day as it comes, getting through another five minutes, working on changing our habits.

Notice each day. Count it. Don’t fight it or ignore it. Ride its current. Use its force. It’s an opportunity to grow. Day by day, wave by wave – we can change.