Yosefhamevakesh wrote on 11 Feb 2023 17:46:

A gut vuch! Your really making HUGE progress… BH! I’m so happy for you! 
You had small fall but many amazing wins!
You asked for advice… I was thinking to tell you to go do exercise to get the energy out but you wrote abt that yourself seems you know the tricks already ( for me it works wonders bh, it’s hard to get out and do the jogging but it feels so good afterwards) but you said shabbos you can’t do exercise… why not?? You can’t do the exercises like jogging biking etc. but why not go for a geshmakah brisk walk with a friend ( family member) or even yourself… enjoy the shabbos air!

הצלחה רבה!!

I fell over shabbos. Twice.
The first time, I was in the bathroom and then outta nowhere I got this huge urge to just masturbate. I was caught a bit off guard because I have been very careful with my eyes and thoughts since my last fall 17 days ago, and I literally don't think I had even 1 serious urge since then.
Afterwards, I woke up from my shabbos nap after an extremely arousing dream, and pretty much got overwhelmed with a huge urge and masturbated again.

Bh, I'm still keeping my eyes and thoughts clean. Also, both times that I did it, I wasn't really fantasizing about women, I just wanted the feeling of masturbating. I guess, that in a way, that's a good thing because it means that I'm really working on keepin my thoughts clean, which overall means less urges.

I still don't understand how I'm supposed to do urge surfing. When I have a burning urge, I need a way to get that energy out, and I don't think that I can just let it simmer inside (not that I think that I'll actually explode, it's just that sometimes, it's just too overpowering to not do anything with it).
I can't always find a way to distract myself or diffuse the urge (shabbosim can be harder because I'm not as busy as during the week; and I cant always just diffuse it, like for example when it hits me in middle of nowhere when I'm in the bathroom, or late at night when I can't excersize, or on shabbos, when I can't call someone).

When it comes to fantasies, I BH got much better at not getting caught up in the images and instead letting them just pass. But when it come to an urge, I'm still not sure how to let it pass. An urge is an overwhelming feeling to masturbate, not just a thought, and I can't really ignore an overwhelming feeling the same way that I can just ignore a thought (or maybe I could, it's just harder and I'm missing a technique). Plz advise.

Hello, 
One idea is to stop fighting the urges, just feel them for what they are and they will decrease. 
This is calld Urge Surfing- It means that when you get stressed and you feel an urge coming on, dont fight the urge! it will make it bigger. Just sit back and be aware of whats going on, your mind is looking for way out of the pain of stress and it giving you this feeling of pleasure, so look at it and know that this is normal and nothing will happen, the urge will come and go like a wave....... Just get into your head the following.
1. I dont want to take it any further, I will not fantasize, I will not touch myself or anything like that! 
If that is clear in your head, then just let the urge/wave decrease and your mind will get used to the idea that you are not making a big deal of it and it will slowly get easier. 

Yosefhamevakesh wrote on 17 Jan 2023 21:56:

This is exactly as I wrote above. It is always the images and the imagination. Always. I can't say it enough times. Failure to realize this point held me in chains for years. People do not think about this and do not realize it. The root of every masturbation, without exception, is a fantasy in the mind. If you move your mind on to another thought, you cannot masturbate.

When these images enter your mind, what's your initial reaction? Please respond to this post with your answer.

In order to get successful at urge surfing, you have to learn how to make your reaction to these thoughts be no different than noticing that a certain car passing you is yellow. You have to let lustful thoughts that enter your mind become like ordinary thoughts in that you don't focus your mind's spotlight on them, but rather just let them leave your mind and forget about them, just like you can't remember the colors of the cars that passed you today even though you did notice them. You can train your mind to see thoughts as passing waves. They come, and they go. You focus on what you want to focus on. The rest is gone. This technique can lead you to freedom. So often a person feels "doomed" as soon as a lustful thought enters his mind. "It's only a matter of time now before I have to masturbate!" WRONG!! That is literally falsehood! You don't have to do anything except let the thought leave your mind by moving your mind on to other thoughts. It's never "only a matter of time". That yetzer hara got me SO many times before I realized the שקר in that thinking.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 15 Jan 2023 17:13:

I'm not sure if I'm fully understand the whole urge surfacing technique. I don't really physically have an urge anywhere in my body to observe, it's just these images replaying in my head and this craving to masturbate.

What I think I'm getting out of what I checked out on urge surfacing is that instead of getting caught up in the urge, I'm supposed to sort of observe it as a force that is telling me to do something, and if I accept it instead of fighting it, it will eventually go away.

I don't mind trying this next time, but I feel like I'm still missing something here, bec I usually try to not get caught up in an urge, but eventually, I do. I don't really understand how the observing part is supposed to work. Plz fill me in

Yosefhamevakesh wrote on 14 Jan 2023 19:56:

Hi Yosefhamevakesh. I have been in the situation you describe. For several years I was free of porn but continued to be stuck in the rut of masturbating multiple times per week. I was so frustrated by this. After all, I was so meticulous in guarding my eyes! The answer is simple: guarding your eyes is just the beginning. The rest of the journey to success lies learning how to move on from fantasies that enter our mind.

I want to zoom in on 5 words you wrote. I have bolded and put them in red above. You masturbated, but you did not look at porn while doing so. I thus want you to ask yourself the following question: Since you were not looking at porn when you masturbated, what were you thinking about while doing that act?

From personal experience, I can tell you that you must have been lusting about a girl you saw on the street or a video you have seen in the past. It is simply so crucial to realize that this is what is going on. It is the focusing on a sexually provocative thought suitable for masturbating to that enables each acting out. If you don't do this, you will not masturbate.

So what are you supposed to do? The next time imagery like this enters your brain, try what Hashem Help Me mentioned: urge surfing. You need to be able to see thoughts and fantasies as waves that will either come and go, OR come and stay because we choose to focus on them. By relaxing the mind and deciding to move on, you will be able to avoid fall after fall after fall. And an hour later, you don't need to check in on the thought and make sure it's gone!!

Urge surfing is really so crucial. Do not fight thoughts. Let them ebb as you move on with your life. Do not re-attend to them.

Have you tried urge surfing?

lionking wrote on 02 Jan 2023 10:54:

I also found, as you mentioned, Illness can sometimes cause a weaker resolve, plus in our search for "kosher" entertainment we find many things. Probably next time I'm sick, I'll stick to audio stuff only,.less likely to find inappropriate stuff there.

On a related note. For those of us who have been doing this for a while, there are a endless amount of triggers that can lead to acting out.

Illness, stress, success, depressed, feeling good, feeling bad, bored, to busy. The list can go on and on.

SO what do we do? We have built to many neural pathways that lead to the same place?

Day 0
Fell last night twice. Once I just masturbated mostly out of habit while stuck in the bathroom with a stomach ache and then got too aroused and started searching arousing material. Most links were blocked. I managed to find some content to read and masturbate again.

It really started with being lightheaded and dizzy Shabbos afternoon and feeling empty. Watched some clips to fill time and saw some woman not dressed appropriately. Wàs lusting all day and wasn't careful with my eyes on the street. 

This medicine is really messing up with my hormones, it is so hard to feel down and lethargic. I function better when I feel productive.

I need help in strengthening my resolve and in learning how to overcome a challenge. Generally when I get very aroused I masturbate, either right away or within 2-3 days. Not sure how urge surfing works. It only works by me when it is a small urge.

connected wrote on 27 Dec 2022 17:11:

GYE has a tool called "Urge Surfing" which is similar to what you're describing.

With Urge Surfing the idea is to observe the urge, rather than distract yourself or fight it, until the urge eventually disappears. When you are able to observe urges in this way rather than being afraid of them, they begin to lose their grip on you.

app.guardyoureyes.com/toolbox/tools/urge-surfing

Ok, so I have my (current) plan ready. Some of it is the same as before, some of it is new. IYH, it'll work.

Dealing with Cues / Triggers


Dealing with Urges


Any and all feedback welcome (positive, constructive, critical...)

A Freilichen Chanukah!

So I did the flight training unit/week (I started a couple of days ago, but the last couple of days were very busy, so I didn't finish until now). Here are my observations:

He brings examples of minimizing cues like not using devices after a certain time or certain devices etc. Minimizing cues rewires the brain, because over time your brain creates new "bundles" how to respond to your cues. But I'm not sure how to apply that when the cue is the availability of unfiltered devices itself, because however much I minimize the access I'm not creating a new "bundle" of how I respond when I do have unfiltered devices available.

He brings up another point that I really need to start doing. Before he starts explaining the different urge management techniques he says that's when we're having a urge sometimes we're on autopilot, so the techniques won't help. First I need to tell myself "Stop! I'm having an urge, but I don't need to fall". I think this is where a lot of my problem is, that's whatever plans I make don't work because when I'm having an urge I'm not thinking. This is part of why I am still stuck at the "preparation" stage.
As a continuation to that, by the different "Escape" strategies, I didn't think that "Distract" or "Goodbye" would work in my situation because they never did, but maybe by first stopping and acknowledging the urge they would work. Also it depends what the situation is. If it's just temporary access to an unfiltered device then escape strategies can work. But if it's a loophole on my device (for example) escape won't really work because I'll still have the issue when I come back.

In the "Resist" strategies, I don't think the "Check your compass" will work for me. Regarding the "Find the fox" or "Countering self-talk", I don't think it'll work if it's just a "make believe" game and I'm not taking it seriously. So I'll see if I can do it.

In the "Stay calm" strategies, "Urge surfing" sounds really interesting. I've seen it before on GYE, but it sounded really weird to me. I just listened to the recording, and I realized that I didn't understand what it was (the name is a bit misleading, I would've called it urge analyzing). I'm going to try it out next time and see how it goes.
I have the same issue with "Coping statements" as I have with "Find the fox" and "Countering self-talk". "SOBER" sounds to me like an expanded urge surfing technique.

If you visit the Flight to Freedom program there are tools called the Cure tracker, Urge Surfing and a few more in Lesson 3 that can help you keep track of your triggers, the cues and the effects they cause on you as well as different urges. Believe me, whatever you may struggle with becomes easier as it gets under control.
app.guardyoureyes.com/course
Much Hatzlacha to you,
Remember you are a holy man and no for in the world can challenge that!

I just want to update here. 
The last few weeks have been great. Ive been using my strategies from the Flight to Freedom program and ive seen great accomplishments. 
The last 2 days have been a bit harder since i went to the pool and i wanst prepared to fight, and i have urges today. 
However, im practicing the Urge Surfing method which showed me that they all pass, 
and the diffusion method where i learned to recognize the urge as something separate from me and understadning it and making room for it, but knowing that i dont need to act on it. 
Onward and upward!!

chancy wrote on 23 Jun 2022 19:49:

Awesome! You're ahead of me. I got stuck on the reasons for change,